#bangtannetwork

“Oh appa!” you shrieked, wiping your hands with a tissue and dashing to the kitchen where your father was. He opens the tiny fridge for some bottled drinks to fight the hot weather of the morning.

“Yup,” his voice muffled, trying to speak through the fridge’s door.

“I chopped some apples for mom, so after Seokjin arrives, we will both go to the hospital first, drop you off thenI’ll head to the wedding,” you explained to your dad the plans for today. The old man nodded and replied, “You know you have to give a wedding gift when you’re there right?”

“Yes,” you confirmed.

“You have Seokjin now you no longer have to worry about whether you have enough,” dad said, more to convince himself than to reply to you. There’s a hint of relief in his tone and you were glad that you managed to help ease your father's trouble. He had fought long and hard from his youth till now to provide for this family. This life may not have been perfect at any turn, but it was undeniably yours. There was always some sense of acceptance that made all of this easy. Sacrifices were made for this home but it was far more harmless than what could have occurred. You sleep a little easier knowing that there is money in the bank.

Knock. Knock.

Your father turns to you with a serious look, “Do you think it’s time to give him the spare key since he is always around? Why don’t both of you settle here? Speaking of settling down, have you two decided where? Shifting between houses isn't healthy for a marriage you see… too many hours apart…” he warns with a tilt of his head.

You sped to the door knob and said, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder! Besides, I still have to clean the house and cook for you when you’re home.” Seokjin wore a checkered long-sleeve shirt and jeans, and you almost thought that a stranger was there instead of him. He looked so different, you almost didn’t recognise him. So casual, so...uncharacteristically Seokjin.

“Who are you?” you feigned a confused face and relished in the annoyed expression he bore as he stepped in.

“Where’s your Balenciaga jacket, Rayban shades and tailored suits?” you kept pestering him and he rolled his eyes.

“Why aren’t you dressed yet?” he softly scolded.

“Dad was just asking where we are going to settle down and I don’t have the answers for that,” you spoke through gritted teeth, careful to not raise your voice because your father could hear.

“Just say Seokjin’s working on it,” he shrugs.

“What do you mean by that? You too don’t have the plans in papers? I thought you had everything in bullet points??”

“I didn’t think in detail, well I do have a spot I just… it’s still under renovation,” he stepped in, took off his slip-ons and bowed to your dad with his good son-in-law smile plastered across his face.

You took out several food containers from the fridge. Tie them up like you did his bento before. For Seokjin, there’s just so many of them. Certainly your mother won’t be able to finish it.

“Why so many?”

“It’s for the whole ward… I have money now you see. I have always wanted to cook for them all. And now, I can,” you winked at him and took two bunch in each hand, pointing the other two with your chin, you said to Seokjin, “You could get the rest of it right honey? I hope you didn’t bring your Lambo for our errands today because if you do we might have to take the b-u-s.”

Seokjin turns his head slowly to the view of about 5 more tied bentos on the tiny counter.

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“I was half-worried that he might have brought the sports car,” dad huffs, fastening the belt as he sat in the front passenger seat. The brown Palisade Hyundai was clearly rarely used, judging from the lack of dirt on the inside and outside of the car. Some of the items inside the car were still wrapped in plastic.

“If I were to be honest, the car looks like it just got out of the car shop or wherever someone gets a new car from,” you mumbled to your chest as the back door closed after Seokjin loaded everything. He scuffles to the driver seat and has the engine started with a press of a button.

“Sweetie,” you called, and he hummed back naturally with a little head jerk.

“I like this car better than the Lambo,” you said and puffed your cheek, “It looks barely used though, it’s not your favourite?”

“I just got it. Today.”

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Seokjin avoided eye-contact with your dad and rather than him being shy, it was him being respectful. The boys engage in small talks about fishing. Your father too was enthusiastic about fishing like Seokjin's father was, however Seokjin never went fishing with them both despite having the same passion. You see a smile on his pretty face, a smile you had never seen before. Your father was too excited about the story where he caught a fish with a bait he made himself. You turned to the window and watched the pedestrians on the streets, feeling, after a long time— serenity, peace and love.

You returned to the car alone after sending your father off to the hospital. As you were crossing the road, Seokjin was taking a call outside the Palisade. From the looks of it, it seemed very important. He caught you watching and turned his back to you, leaning against the car door. He ended the call in a hurry and climbed into the car, the same time you did. His eyes are focused on everything but you.

“Are you alright?”

He swings his head to the side at you. Wide-eyed.

“Yes...I am fine,” Seokjin shrugs.

But you couldn’t shake the feeling that something is going to go wrong. Very wrong.

There's things I wanna say to you

But I'll just let you live

Like if you hold me without hurting me

You'll be the first who ever did — Cinnamon Girl, Lana Del Rey

The song on the radio, taking your mind off of things for a little bit. Conversations sink in the pit of your stomach in the car ride to Seokjin’s home. The painting is delivered through a courier. After signing the device carried by the delivery man, Seokjin moves the painting when he realises that you stood ajar in the doorway, unsure where to go. He didn’t say a word but led the way with the painting in his arm.

“Mom called and said she wants dinner with you soon,” he sighed as he lay the painting on the L-shaped leather sofa in the middle of his living room, “So tell me when you have no class, and I’ll fit my schedule around yours,” he added. There was a baby grand piano at the corner of the room. A fireplace underneath the large flat-screen television. He turned the air conditioner on and darkened the windows. The living room has a wooden patio stretching all the way to the edge of the building, separated by a glass wall. The same glass walls are built in with tints that can be automatically darkened upon a touch of a button. Outside the patio, you could see hanging hammocks, a swimming pool and a jacuzzi. Luxury.

Chandeliers hung in the middle of the room as Seokjin took another call, and this time, you could see that it was from the office. He looked awkward having you around the house, so you sat yourself on the sofa, with your knees touching, your fingers fiddling. Seokjin hasn’t reappeared from the halls where his home office was though you could hear his voice but couldn’t make out what he says. In a few more hours, the wedding will begin. Ian’s and Suri’s. You were not looking forward to it, but because you insisted on helping Seokjin to hang this painting, you had to abide by his requests.

There’s a spiraling staircase next to the living room section, which you suspect to be directing to another section of the penthouse. Rich people live.

“What are you doing, get dressed…” he dashes out of nowhere and climbs up the stairs you were currently standing at the base of. Following his lead, you were directed to another leisure space and a door. In that room, there were already several dresses hanging in the walk-in closet.

“Choose one and get on with it,” he said and left you in the room on your own.

All of them were from the designer, Zuhair Murad. It’s written on the bags it came with and you chose the one with short one shoulder cocktail dress with asymmetrical ruffle in printed crimson, sapphire and jade stripes. There are make-up supplies, brand new and unopened in the closet itself. You hurried to your phone to look for some makeup ideas that are simple because you don’t want too much attention on you. Seokjin’s message chimes in.

[Seokjin]: I have matters to handle. I’ll send a car for you to the wedding and I’ll meet you there.

What else can you say about that, all this time you only could go with it— with whatever Seokjin told you to do.

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Several years prior,

Ian sits in the middle of the lecture hall while Suri paces up and down the stairs. You blasted through the door and threw your bag on the stage where the whiteboards were.

“And if you use the C = C x e^k.t formula?” Suri was heard saying but you stormed in, wordlessly and climbed on the stage. Suri jumps off the stage and joins Ian.

“Let her do her thang…” Ian said, with a trace of pride. You were facing the whiteboard, soaking in the numbers available and coming up with an equation that could be derived to solve the question. That’s why you love pharmacokinetics; while no one thinks it made sense, it makes perfect sense to you. And with every question, they require different amounts of intimacy. Intricate problems like these are special to you.

You stretched your arm out and said, “Pen…”

Not even once you looked behind you, your eyes were glued on the problem on the board. Squeezing the pen’s cap and pulling them open, you hold the tip of the pen an inch away from the board, take a deep breath in and...

Begin writing your solution. Suri counter checks your mental arithmetic solutions with her calculator, Ian double checks the basic formulas and you come to the solution.

“What’s the answer?” you asked, this time turning to the side where they were.

“8.1 hours…” they simultaneously answered and in obvious awe because you were accurate down to the T.

“How did you do it— “ “That’s insane…” “Can I borrow your brain for the quiz tomorrow? You won’t be taking the quiz anyways…”

You refastened the cap on the pen and passed them back to its rightful owner, smiling to the floor and picking up your bags from the floor. You coolly bid them farewell and went to do your part-time job in the university library before lectures begin at 1pm. Suri would deliver lunch to you because she knows you will be skipping lunch to avoid buying, using your allowance that you could save for your transportation card. It’s sometimes as simple as sandwiches or bentos. Sometimes sushi and sometimes wraps. You were so lucky to have friends who understand.

Ian drives you to the hospital when you miss the bus and sometimes fetches you from your workplace to university. The three of you went through a lot.

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Sitting in the back of the car on your way to the wedding, the car drove past the playground you three frequented. It's where you danced in the rain, swinging, and sliding down the slides at midnight and on one was around. As the car drove further away and the playground looked smaller from your view, you realised no matter how much you dreaded it, nothing lasts forever. No one is permanent. And you are about as real as you assumed yourself to be. In the end, the popular things today will be outdated in the future. Like an old mall and phones with chords. Relevance is heavily dependent on trends.

Arriving at the hall, your whole body felt heavy. There were too many eyes watching, too many unwelcomed stares and familiar faces that were in shock to see you there. The attention on you was harrowing so you excused yourself to stand outside the building, clutching your purse and taking out your phone. Nothing.

Your last messages to Seokjin were left unread. It’s been hours.

You resorted to calling Yoongi. It was answered within the first ring.

“Hey, I’m sorry— “ you began.

“My apologies but Seokjin hasn’t returned to his office, I am still trying to reach him,” Yoongi sounded anxious as you are. He was informed of the event today and he is as frantic as you are waiting on calls from Seokjin to indicate his current situation. Understanding that Seokjin might as well bailed out on the entire plan, you nodded to yourself. No one was watching but… you felt the need to smile, though bitterly.

“That’s quite alright,” you smoothened the dress you wore, feeling a little foolish to dress up for an event you are most likely to skip, “It can’t be helped.” You ended the call and planned to deliver the wedding allowance anonymously. You might pop your head to say hi and leave after 2 minutes. It’s not like you never attend a wedding or any event alone; you’re used to this. This one just felt slightly different because it was your friends that you thought you would have forever. It is as if you’re standing at the junction of a highway and they decide to stay, so you must go through the rest of the journey alone.

Everyone came with their partners, some with children and grandparents; it’s a lively gathering. Arms in arms, hand holding. They are whole. Unlike me.

You hugged yourself and slid your right hand down your left, and it touched your wedding ring. And you felt twice worse. Stepping forward, you lift your hand to the gentlemen who were in-charge of collecting the allowance for the wedding couple when a warm hand slid behind your back, settling just above your hip. You turned to the side to see who it was and saw broad shoulders, and jawline so sharp, it could cut you. He clenches his jaw and rides his palm up your shoulder, squeezing it. Then it slides down your spine and back to his side.

“Chin up, you’re Kim Seokjin’s wife…” he placed his palm upward, waiting for you to take them. His eyes lasers into yours with a soft reliable smile on his lips.

“You’re late,” you spat and took his hand harshly. But he lifts them to his lips and plants a kiss on them.

“But I’m here,” he arched one eyebrow at you. Cocky.

" I can't believe I actually was readying myself to walk in solo… you were this," you brought your thumb to your forefinger close together but not touching, "This close to getting the bad-husband label plastered across your forehead, so where were you?"

Seokjin takes a seat after pulling a chair out for you. He has his arm over the back of your chair and he begins his explanation with a sigh.

"The family registrar is being disputed and I am losing a total of 5 shares of the current project I am handling… My uncle came home from Bulgaria to tell the company shareholders I have no rights to hold profits I didn't help build."

A muffin was passed around and Seokjin snatched one and shoved them in his mouth as if he didn't just almost lose the only thing he ever cared about, his family wealth. That was something you admire most about Seokjin, how he is so careless and carefree is something you would envy. People shushed over the sound of the emcee clearing his throat over the microphone. The lights dimmed and you caught Seokjin’s side profile in the dim light still looking beautiful. The shape of his face, and how the light struck in harmony with the shadow that defined his cheekbones— he wasn't he always had been, you thought, breathtaking. You don’t remember staring at someone this long and being this enchanted.

“Take a picture, it will last longer,” he mumbled in an annoyed tone before he turned to you with his lips thinned. He then passed you a drink after you were caught red handed, and, “You look thirsty.” You cleared your throat and replied, “Yes, the air is dry just like your humor.”

“Is it now… could be the dress being too revealing for your long-sleeves-only-since birth, skin,” he tutted his tongue and leaned back as the food arrived.

“I disagree, my skin was too precious to be abused by the dehumidified air, this hall is packed with, not to mention, the unhelpful company I had to attend it with…” you turned to him and eyed him up and down, “comfortable in his tailored blazers.”

Seokjin scoffs an air out and puts the brim of the glass to his lips for a sip but before he could, he had something to say, “If I were to go shirtless, I worry someone and everyone would have to spoon their eyes out in order not to bless themselves with the view my body would provide them. I was only looking out for the betterment of the members of the society.”

You hummed back with a gentle smile, looking away.

“How confident— “

“-- hard to be this pretty. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Amazing. Just brilliant.”

“Out of bicker points are you? Can I call it: Seokjin won this round?”

“You wish… What’s the use of being that pretty if you can’t get girlfriends to marry you and had to resort to me, your sworn nemesis?”

“Because I have dicks as family members whose only purpose in life is to ruin mine, that is also something you won’t understand, and I don’t blame you.”

“Perks of being poor, unseen and invaluable.”

He shoves the first fork of the spaghetti served and makes a face.

“Let me have that,” you took his plate and put away your empty plate.

“My dog can cook better than that,” he spat.

“Shut up and behave,” you curled your fingers around your ear shell and tuck a strand of hair escaping.

“I can’t remember if I locked the lambo,” he checks his smart watch then his car key.

“I wish you didn’t and someone stole it,” you said it to humor yourself.

Seokjin gave you a dead stare at the back of your head, leaning back in his chair, knees spread. It sometimes clashes with yours and everytime it does, you move away.

“That’s a horrible thing to say,” he muttered back, “You sure you want to lose the lambo that saved your life a few times?”

“Saved my life? Stop being dramatic,” you ridiculed him and rolled your eyes at him, shoving the last fork of spaghetti into your mouth.

His left knee grazed your thigh and his voice dropped a tone lower, “I felt you pulsating against my wrist that night.”

You choked and scrambled to get bottled water but it was too far from reach. Seokjin chuckled darkly and snapped one open for you. You snatched them from him and gulped down half of the bottle.

“You can’t say those shits in public,” you said, recovering from your coughing fit, “There must be rules to that.”

“To what? To indecent conversation? I am just sharing with you what I felt,” Seokjin took the cloth from his lap and dabbed the side of your lips.

Suddenly, you heard your name whispered from behind.

It was Suri.

Seeing her that close after a while made you jolted out of your seat. Seokjin continued watching the entire scene. She wore a sad expression while you remained stoic but Seokjin knew that you were trying hard not to show any emotions.

“There will be couple dance to commemorate our wedding, and Ian and I are wondering if you and your husband would like to join…”

“No— “ “ — Yes!”

You glared at Seokjin and he stood up, ready for the challenge. Suri beams and Ian nodded behind her, eyeing Seokjin like he had issues with him. Ian’s reaction was understandable; he used to know everything about you and now nothing, he is wary towards any guy you come close to because he knows how dense you could be. Ian had heard about Seokjin as the troublemaker before but apart from that, you revealed nothing else. It was obvious to him that Seokjin isn’t your favorite subject to talk about. The marriage was sudden and very suspicious— he had mentioned it a few times to Suri ever since it was revealed through the online class that Seokjin was in the same bed as you.

“What if he was just using her? I know guys like Seokjin. Marriage? That’s ridiculous!”

“There is nothing we could do; and if she wanted us to do something about it, she wouldn’t exclude herself from us, breaking our friendship. Say what you want, but the day I saw her throw our wedding card in the trash can, part of me that loved her died too.” Suri leaves Ian, who was sitting on the edge of the bed with his dress shirt unbuttoned, his tattoos bare for the walls to see. He harshly pushed his shoulder-length hair back.

Ian took Suri’s hand and walked away.

Seokjin stretched out his hand for you to take and followed right after the newly wed couple for the said dance. Upon reaching the dance floor, Seokjin grabbed your waist and had your stomach dangerously touching his crotch. Thighs touching, chest to chest. You repelled but he pulled you close again. Eyes warning you.

“It’s waltz. You have to be this close.”

“I don’t know the waltz, Seokjin,” you panicked.

“Square, move in squares, ready?”

“No?”

The music begins anyways. You know you were going to step on his feet a few times, numerous times. The first time you did, your eyes shot to his face and he didn’t give any expression. The second time, he groaned a bit but still carried on the dance. Veins popping on the side of his neck and he is turning slightly red, so you ran your forefinger along the line. He turned even redder and stammered, “K-keep y-your hands to yourself.”

“You look cute when you’re flustered,” you bit your smile looking up at him.

“You look evil when you smile,” he retorts.

The music turns to a soft slow dance. Suri and Ian are linking foreheads and smiling. Feeling the need to match the romance, you linked your fingers behind Seokjin’s neck. He looked alarmed but he is not complaining or resisting as much.

“You look like you’re enjoying this,” you said, coyly.

“In your dreams… you can never rile me up,” Seokjin passed.

“Same here,” your eyes shot straight into him.

A glance was exchanged but you weren’t sure what it was.

You saw Ian and Suri looking like a perfect couple and you felt so lonely all of a sudden. You wished you had an ounce of what they have. Unbeknownst to you, Seokjin was looking at them too.

“Seokjin?”

“Hm?”

“What is it like to be loved?”

You continued to stare, unable to peel your eyes away from the two lovebirds. Even as Seokjin turned you away from the view. Seokjin pulled slightly away to look into your eyes.

“It might feel slightly this way…” he whispered softly.

Then he closed the distance between his lips to your open neck, nibble his lips over the span of your skin softly. You feel his lips parted on your skin and his warm wet tongue slid through to graze your neck. He gave a gentle suckle, just enough to let you feel light-headed from his ministrations. You silently hoped that he would go harder, slightly rougher but the sound of people talking pulled you back into reality. When he parts, leaving his saliva cooling under the air-conditioner, he catches your eyes. They are hazy and lustful. Your lips are parted and you run the tip of your tongue along the spans of it.

“I thought I couldn’t rile you up? Just an open-mouthed kiss and your chest is heaving,” he glances over the corner of the room, “It’s almost as if you want more?” He turns to you.

You opened your mouth to speak but no words would come out. Sentences wouldn’t string themselves and you are just caught staring wide-eyed at him. Ian tapped Seokjin’s shoulder and asked if he could dance with you. Seokjin turns to you for approval, and when you nod, he lets Ian have you.

You felt your eyes pricking, and impending tears threatening to pool and fall on your cheeks, but you did all you can to not to appear like a loser. Instead of facing him like you did Seokjin, you pulled him into a hug and you felt Ian’s chin resting on your shoulder. His 5 am shadow beard poking your skin.

“I’ve missed you terribly,” he said in a low voice. And you responded with a tighter hug around him, your arm clutched over his back, his blazer crumpled under your fist. Your tears are falling uncontrollably now. Noticing how embarrassing this is, you shoved him away, and sprinted out through the door the catering staff uses and Ian chases after you. The night air is cold and prickling. You found a patio, a verandah with a handrail looking out the city and there, you cried, bawled, crumbled into a ball, squatting on the floor, hugging your knees.

“Why did you do what you do?!” Ian’s guttural voice roared through the peace of the night at you, and you stood up in response.

“Why did you do what you do!” you growled just as loud, but your voice was broken.

“Suri was devastated to have lost you, I was too! I didn’t understand why you would erase our memories that way… Everything we went through, every sleepless night? Our troubles? You would throw it all away? And now you’re married? With Seokjin?”

“It meant nothing to you and Suri, so I must as well erase myself from your life. I did it so you could be happy, I would not be a burden for you anymore. For both of you…” you explained through sobs and tears falling like pearls under this light.

“Why can’t you just stay? We still love you…” Ian stretches his arm, to touch yours but you swat them away before he could.

You shook your head. You were embarrassed, angry, jealous— you were all sorts of things, all sorts of emotions that they couldn’t possibly understand. There is one more question that you didn’t answer: why did you marry Seokjin.

“Love each other, and forget I ever existed. It is for the best. Seokjin is here with me now… He might not be the person I wanted, but he is here…”

Ian called your name softly.

“Be happy! Be insanely happy and don’t look for me, it is what you deserved, it's what Suri deserved, you guys have been nothing but kind to me, I want to thank you for that, that’s why I came. Seokjin told me to.”

Ian shook his head in disbelief. A part of him refuses to believe that Seokjin was that kind of guy. You were making up things in your head and there is nothing he could say to convince you that Seokjin was only putting up a front. Like he always does, how he always has.

“And don’t worry about what happened in autumn,” you begin, “the day I told you about those things. Those stupid thing. I was never in love with you or anything like that. I just wanted you to know how much you meant to me.”

Ian looks hurt.

“I was supposed to tell you about Suri at the time,

but I couldn’t break you,” he confessed.

“And what am I now?

Am I not broken?” you glanced up at him, in composed fury.

Ian hung his head low, jaws clenched and he bites the insides of his cheek as he wallows in the words you say and how true it was. He should have told you at the time. It might not have hurt any less, but it would have saved the friendship, or the remnants of it. You would have gotten the idea instead of playing along with the charade. Suri insisted for Ian not to tell you, but Ian didn’t tell her that you had feelings for him. Because of his silence, you thought you had a chance until it was revealed to you, prior to the cruise with Seokjin.

“We are going home,” a stern voice broke the silence. Seokjin.

Seokjin marches at you, grabs your wrist and you follow while Ian stands there, frozen in his place.

He parked in front of the lobby where everyone coming in and out can be seen. There was a guard that occasionally pick up the radio to report on the situation. The Lamborghini blinks as Seokjin unlocks them. He opened the door for you and after you entered, he walked around the car and climbed into the driver seat. When he placed his hand on the initiator, your hand covered his knuckle. He glances up, to see Ian around the lobby searching for you. Seokjin then glanced to the side where you were. You had your face turned away from him, biting your nail as you said, “Can we not go home just yet? Can’t we just sit here for a while…?”

Seokjin grabbed your chin and enveloped your lips with his own. He did it so harshly, firm and rough, like he was in a hurry, like he wanted you, needed you. His nose clashes with yours as he moves to the other side, without ending the kiss. His lips parted just enough to glide his tongue in yours, kneading his flesh with yours. Giveon’s ‘Like I Want You’ was playing on the radio. His free hand rode up underneath your skirt, in between your thigh— up and down, teasing you. You quivered his name out your bruised lips but he hummed back, not paying attention to you— he was chasing his arousals. Noticing that you’ve drifted back into reality slightly, he tips your chin up and delivers another searing kiss. At the corner of his eyes, he saw Ian standing stunned and wordlessly. Seokjin relished the sight. You snaked your palm up Seokjin’s neck, thumbing his ear lobe.

How does it feel? How does it feel to see the girl that liked you, savored by another man?

That’s what you put her through. Now watch me love her, taste her, feel her.

You dropped your palm on his crotch, noticing that he was so turned on. You parted from him and stared deep into his eyes.

Shit. You’re so wet you could barely think. You repelled from him and he slowly retracted himself. He ran his hand down his face and started the engine with a push of a button.

“I saw Ian and wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine,” Seokjin explained in a croaky voice, “Never beg for love. No matter what the price is.”

Silence from you.

“It won’t happen again…” he added.

Your heart sunk at the declaration.

“Funny that I have you at a price too,” you chuckled bitterly, staring out the window at the view of trees from a moving car, “I will always have to beg for love, and that’s something you won’t understand.”

Seokjin gripped tighter on the steering wheel, fighting the urge of pushing you down the car seat and fuck you right there and then. The way your eyes looked when you confronted Ian, reminded him so much of himself. They were hopeful, innocent, shattered and brittling at the same time. The pain in your entire being that you brought in that car with you was something he couldn’t handle. When you whispered how unloved you felt, he felt a tug in the chambers of his heart. Always being the option and never the only choice. With him, you too were an option. The love after Rachel, after many of Seokjin’s love. The loneliness you must have felt, would have been unbearable.

Losing your best friend to the man you love, losing the man you love to your best friends, losing your mother to a disease she is still fighting, losing your father to the debt he carried, losing your brother for the selfish choice he made, and now, losing Seokjin to Rachel once all of this is done— you are God’s most pitiful creation and even fate, picks it’s favorite.

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To be continued…