#bamshan

Dear you,

Im starting to meet the phase of anger. Where I’m just so mad at you for doing it this way. How bad I want to prove you wrong. It’s so hard to let go, I guess this is how we cope. It comes in phases.

I’ve been taking the steps, just like you said. I am so transparent and vulnerable. The best shape of my life, But you’ll never know because you’re holding back transparency thinking it’s for my own good. You don’t have any way of seeing my progress and you haven’t asked a single question about it. Do you even care anymore?

You won’t be hindering progress, if anything Is feel AT EASE knowing I didnt feel this way alone. How can you all of a sudden not wantto tell me how you truly feel? It’s almost like the roles were switched.

I met this guy today and all I could think of was you. What would you think if you saw me with someone else? Would you be angry or happy for me? Would it make you want me back? Would the thought of me getting over us being soulmates make you happy?

It’s heartbreaking to think about. It’s almost like you’ve died, except instead of looking forward to layin next to you in heaven. I’ll have to deal with the pain of you potentially laying with someone else one day.

Taking a time out from life is a misunderstood concept.

.

.

What used to be expected throughout parts of life, is no longer. We are supposed to go, go, go, and die. Morbid, but it’s true. I only realized this when I went to explain and would say things like “you might not get this, but” or “I’m working through some things but I’m fine, don’t worry.” I’d get mostly alarmed responses. Who do I think I am? A monk? .

.

Here’s your permission: you have every right to break from life. It’s actually a responsibility. If you’re being called to heal, it is for a reason. You owe no explanations. Make peace with being misunderstood. Slow down enough to hear your mental chatter, to feel the emotions, and to actually meet yourself. I’ll warn you it’s going to scare the shit out of you and your loved ones but if they are true, they’ll stick by you while you take a step back for yourself. .

.

It will also be the most beautiful, transformative experience of your life.

.

.

You’ll be back.

.

.

Since you haven’t asked, I’m just going to leave this here.

You haven’t asked once how I’m doing. You have no idea the hardships I’m going through. Does everyone think I’m on vacation here? Im fucking not.

The week I got here my mom got really ill. She’s been bed ridden my entire stay and has to have a major surgery, possibly an amputation. So not only have I been trying to take care of myself, I’ve also had to deal with that. So Ive kind of been on my own with a family/friend support system & have had to give her a lot of support.

I have been managing a local coffee shop/restaurant out here and they stock my dog treats. I’ve been handling markets & cake orders in both AZ and FL which has gone surprisingly smooth. I also have acquired 2 new accounts (soon to be 3) with local shops in AZ while I’ve been out here that will also be stocking my treats. I have also started a new business and I have clients waiting for me to return.

I’ve been seeing a therapist. I have one in AZ too. It’s been helpful having someone pick apart my triggers, and also help me notice how much progress I’ve made.

I am in the BEST shape of my life. I’ve dropped a total of 15lbs and have never felt or looked better- despite the lack of decent gym access here 😭 didn’t realize how spoiled we were in AZ with the amount of options for gyms! Only downside to my new weight is that My 1 rep max is at 275 on squats (nobody can spot any heavier out here anyways 🤣)

I got baptized in the ocean!!! It was an amazing experience and crazy perfect since they’ve only done beach specific baptisms THREE times in TWO years! How’s that for timing?! And I’ve been part of a bible study group here that has been absolutely amazing. I’ve met some amazing friends here, a completely different pace and vibe! It’s gonna be sad to leave it, but I’ve already got 2 groups lined up and waiting for me at church back home. I’ve also been seeing a therapist out here and have one set up already in AZ for when I return.