It's officially 16 minutes past my 23rd birthday, and I can't help but feel a little disappointed and sad. Not about my day. Because my day was great. filled with sweet friends and loads of birthday love. But more about the year I just endured. Well saying endured makes it sound like I was a brave soldier who faced a lot of things that I didn't deserve. That would be false, because many of the things I "endured" I put on myself.
This time last year I was passed out in some strangers bed next to my best friend who had repeatedly reminded me throughout the day - "You must get more drunk on your 22nd birthday than your 21st!" I spent much of my last summer in a drunken stupor making one more decision after the next while I tried to balance dating two different guys and all the while not liking either of them. If you know anything about me then you know that there is nothing in that last sentence that resembles the real Meghan. I then spent the fall living in a hell hole of a house nannying children for the Devil herself (himself?) while being told therapy and drugs would make me right.
I did experience something this year that was completely out of my control. I lost my Moppie after her third battle with cancer. Surprisingly. I didn't go to pieces or disappear from the world like I always thought I would when I lost someone close to me. Instead, I held it all in and took care of my dad and sisters. I know that I still haven't fully dealt with losing her. My Moppie was such an amazing woman. She was the one person who no matter what would always take my side. She always saw the best in me. I still don't feel like she is actually gone and its been many months since she passed. Even now as I am surrounded by all of her things in my apartment I still just want to pick up the phone and talk to her and I feel like I could. There is so much of her in me. I truly am her granddaughter through and through.
I like to think I spent so much time in the past year making awful decisions because I have been deflecting the pain of losing my Moppie. That I have been deflecting my pain into all other things besides actually taking the time to mourn her. Maybe thats true, but I know part of it isn't and I can't blame my mishaps on the hurt forever.
I have truly made a terrible mess out of something I can't take back. What is it in a person that makes them betray their best friend? Repeatedly? Over and Over. I have always prided myself on being such a selfless and good hearted human being and yet I can't even imagine telling her what I have done because I know I will probably lose her when I do. And even worse than that. I don't know if I can apologize, because I cant yet feel sorry for it. Feel sorry for hurting her. Absolutely. but feel sorry for my feelings and actions? Not Yet.
I'm not trying to turn this into a pity party thing. I have had some truly amazing things happen this year. I've made some great new friends. I feel back in love with music and the fact that it can truly fix anything. I found out I will be an aunt. I have been accepted into Grad School. Had an amazing internship and got to work with some stellar musicians, among many other things and for all of that I am extremely grateful and feel unbelievably blessed.
There has to be something that breaks me though. Something that absolutely destroys me. or something. to get me to stop living the way I have been for the last 23 years. Because if I continue to let people use me, and hurt me and take complete advantage of me the way I always have I am going to end up bitter and alone and sad ..and who wants that? I so badly want to be in love, yet think I would go running in the opposite direction if I had it. I have become the queen of pushing people away. Coddling myself by thinking "they will love me for who I am and I shouldn't change that"
Bullshit. Some people do love me for the person I am. Very few people know EVVERRyTHINGG about me, but some people do. And still love me. But it doesn't mean I shouldn't change some things about myself. "Be more motivated. Stop sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and instead try not letting idiot boys make you feel like shit about yourself. Also quit letting psychotic girls make you feel like shit about yourself. people are crazy. but if you think about it. you really arent. you aren't a child. Quit trying to contact those jackass boys, too.. And quit sleeping with them. Because you know, the day after they still could care less and you care more. For crying out loud. Just be better. Tell your friend what you did. Tell the assholes to fuck off. Love yourself and be BETTER."
THAT. is what I should be telling myself.
I really have the opportunity to be a new person. In one week I will be packing up my apartment and leaving the city I have called home for the last four years behind. I will be starting over at a new school, in a new town, and have the option of being someone better. I have the option of not letting other people's opinions and words cause so much harm to my self esteem. I have the option to stop putting so much time and energy into getting to know and care about people who could give a shit less about me. Because lets face it. Any man that I have had feelings for in the past year could probably not even tell you how many siblings I have, much less wished me a happy birthday. And I have the option to put an end to the mess I have made of some of my relationships and tuck them away neatly in my past and leave them there.
It's now 62 minutes since my 23rd birthday.(CST) I don't think anyone is probably even still reading this, so I might send it to my Aunt so at least I feel like I didn't write for nothing. But tonight, as I drove home and ended my birthday. Listening to some Backseat Goodbye from 2008 and crying silently thinking about how much I am going to miss Nashville and the people in it I couldn't help but think that resolutions aren't really for New Years. I think they're more for birthdays.
