There is a strange kind of grief that comes from realizing you survived things you were never supposed to carry alone.
Not because you didn't survive them. Because you did. Because you're here. Because somehow, through all of it, you stayed.
People talk a lot about strength, but I think strength is one of the most misunderstood words in the world.
When people look back at someone who survived, they say things like, "You were so strong," as if strength was a choice. As if there was another option. As if courage was what got you through.
Sometimes it wasn't courage.
Sometimes it was Tuesday.
Sometimes it was putting one foot in front of the other because the alternative wasn't available. Sometimes it was surviving long enough to make it to tomorrow.
What nobody talks about is what happens when you spend years being the person who carries yourself.
The person who talks you down.
The person who stays up with you.
The person who holds your grief.
The person who pulls you back when your mind goes somewhere dark.
After enough years, something changes.
Not because you become harder. Because you become familiar with yourself.
You stop seeing yourself as somebody who needs to be rescued. You start seeing yourself as the person who never left. The one who sat beside you through every loss, every panic, every disappointment, every version of yourself.
And if you're anything like me, there may have been moments when you looked at your pain and decided it made you too much.
But I don't think that's true.
I think some people have simply walked through depths that other people have never had to visit.
And when you've seen those depths, you stop speaking the language of shallow things.
That doesn't make you too much.
The tragedy is that many people spend years apologizing for the weight they carry when the weight was never the problem. The problem was trying to carry it in rooms that didn't know how to hold it.
At the same time, I don't want to romanticize carrying pain alone.
When you spend years holding yourself together, you can start believing nobody is coming. You can become hyper-independent. You can learn to hide your needs so well that even you stop noticing them.
But there is another side to it.
Not because the pain was good.
Not because being alone was fair.
But because something gets built in the process.
When you've sat with grief, fear, loss, loneliness, or uncertainty and lived through it, you stop being impressed by appearances. You stop confusing attention for love. You stop confusing confidence for character. You stop confusing performance for authenticity.
You begin to see things underneath things.
And eventually something even stranger happens.
You begin to trust yourself.
Not because you're always right, but because you've seen evidence.
You've watched yourself survive days you thought would break you.
You've watched yourself get up when you genuinely didn't want to.
You've watched yourself carry things you never should have had to carry.
After a while, your relationship with yourself changes.
You stop asking, "Can I survive this?"
You've already answered that question.
I think that's also why people who have truly known pain often become capable of sitting with someone else's pain.
Not turning it into a lesson.
Most people rush to make pain disappear.
People who have lived through it understand that sometimes what another person needs isn't advice.
The beauty doesn't come from the pain itself.
The beauty comes from what you built while carrying it.
The ability to recognize suffering.
The relationship you developed with yourself.
Those things are what remained after it.
Especially if you've spent years carrying yourself.
Especially if you're still carrying yourself now.
Because even when nobody understood your pain, even when nobody knew what to say, even when you felt completely alone in it, there was still someone who stayed.
I think that's why healing can feel so emotional.
Not because you're discovering who you are.
Because you're finally noticing who has been there the entire time.
Some people were lucky enough to be carried.
Some of us became the person doing the carrying.
But there is something sacred about discovering that the person who held your life together all those years was you.
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