#azuka

_aishaplush_ by Azuka

Zafara Day by Azuka

The end of evangelion - Fanart

"This isn’t a place for me to live—this is a place I protect."

This quote, paraphrased from the final Evangelion movie, really struck me. Asuka’s clone had a deep impact on me. Now in my late 20s and seriously considering becoming a soldier, I felt profoundly in tune with it. For so long, I’ve lived feeling isolated, alienated, and indifferent to everything and everyone..." "what else am I useful for other than being a soldier, living for others or living under commands as I don't really care about living or my life? "- this is what I felt at the time. I was not depressed, certainly is not a healthy mindset but It was more the way I was or am. I never felt like others, nor I could be like others. I always felt distant.

Part of why I was thinking about enlisting was because the life I had planned didn’t work out. So it was practical. I was searching for purpose, for meaning—or even just a task to be busy as I felt completely lost with my life. I currently still feel like that sometimes.