#ayham's posts

I haven’t been active on this blog for a while now. And I guess I should go into why for my mutuals and because I always found this place to be safe.

Tumblr was something I got more invested to back in high school because of certain friends. And there’s a lot of fun memories with them on here - with the DMs and posts. Unfortunately, some of those relationships met a bittersweet ending due to my mental state in 2018. A ruined relationship if at best. Over the past 2 years I’ve been on a really deep rebuilding of myself behind closed doors. I don’t like other people worrying about me and that still mostly stands to this day but I’m better about it. Realistically since I’ve started this last school year, I’ve been missing those memories of people I was really close to. I feel distant to them now, and my anxiety feeds me to be more distant. I’m not sure how to get that feeling of closeness back to them because I tend to read the bad too much. I feel alone really is what I’m trying to say. Like the people I thought I had don’t want to be with me in any way anymore. I know it’s probably not true, but certain triggers make it hard. And while I feel personally fufilled I just feel like I screwed up. I *still* feel like I screwed up. It’s hard to move on to something that changed your life. And it’s also hard to live with guilt. Guilty of how I was. I hate who I used to be, and I wish I could’ve fixed things before it all crashed out.

So today was the first time I got overwhelmed by college XD Normally I am okay with massive social stuff, but I’ve been very tired the past week and haven’t gotten a break. I’ve met so many people, online and in realy life, that I just broke. My boyfriend was nice enough to let me call him and just let the waterfall come out. I don’t have anyone that Ican just talk to right now. At least someone I trust, I know counseling services are there but I am hesitant to go to them. Either way I’m actually enjoying my time and having an unlimited dining plan is super nice.