#autoinmune

This post is hard for me to do because it really shows how life cannot be a perfect slope upwards.

In a week's time, I will be returning to university after months of recovery. Just a couple of days ago, I just felt so excited to go back: to return to my routine, to go back to my friends, to catch up in my studies…

I couldn't wait to prove to myself that, yes, I did it. I got myself to a point where I can take my life back and balance both my realities as a lupus fighter and a biology freshman.

I should be excited about this victory and many more to come, but somehow, I do not.

These days I felt different than usual. I felt worried, doubtful, and scared. I felt unhappy when doing my college lectures online when packing my stuff for the trip and even last night when I was thinking about what to write in today's blog post. It feels as if your brain was numb: insensitive, unaware of what it was doing and why.

Unsatisfied with this situation, I tried to keep myself happy and determined. I set myself many goals: to prep, my things for the trip, to finish up any lectures I missed, do some extra research, exercise, to save some time for my family and friends, to eat healthily, etc. I thought that I had a perfect master plan set up: every step important to, in theory, build a stronger version of me that would return to the UK without worries.

However, I realized, instead of getting myself out of the trap, I just buried myself deeper with higher expectations.

Going back to London means a huge change from my life here at home, and with that realization  came to a never-ending list of "what ifs": 

What if I have a pain crisis when going back? What if I cannot find a rheumatologist to follow my case? What if my friends see me differently because of the truth about my health? What if I feel lonely, lost and I cannot lift myself up? What if I go back to that moment when I was packing my bags to get to Lima, slouching in pain, defeated by my own body?

I try to keep myself focused and optimistic about my recovery, but the reality is that those bad thoughts still defeat me every so often. The good thing about chronic pain is that it takes a lot of pain to bring you down, but the downside is that the worst pain comes from your own head.

I guess it's true what they say: You are your own worst enemy. It is clear to me now: we are perfectly capable to bring ourselves down because we know our weaknesses better than anyone else, and our evil selves will not hesitate to exploit them the minute we feel insecure about our choices.

Doubt is perfectly normal: it prevents us from making choices without analyzing the possible risks. But too much can lead to some dark paths of thinking, making up painful scenarios that may never happen in the first place.

I am now well aware that my mind treasons me every so often. What I need to learn is how to ignore those voices and move on. Instead of trapping myself in a loop of doubt, I am learning to trust my own thoughts, and what I have learned the last few months about my strength, my worth and my ability to get better.

I recall something very important that my psychiatrist said once: we cannot know if bad or good things will happen, and it is not up to us to say bad things will never happen. Bad things will happen at some point in our lives., thus we do not need to convince ourselves that "everything will be alright", because that is not true.

Instead, we need to convince ourselves that we will be prepared to receive it all and cope with it:  bad things, good things, and all of those everyday experiences in our way. 

Life with or without chronic pain has its highs and lows. It's just part of its charm. If there were no pain and sadness, happiness would not have meaning, and vice-versa. I am glad that I went through all this pain and still manage to see the good in life. Nevertheless, I am also thankful to know what true defeat is:

Defeat is not when life brings you down, it is when you bring yourself down.

Fighting your inner demons and surrounding yourself with love, kindness, and self-respect is the only way to lift yourself up, and hopefully, see the bright side of even the darkest moments.

That is all that I have for today, my friends. It might feel odd to read such an angsty post from me, your bubbly lupus fighter. However, it was important for me to share my weakest moments with honesty, because I know that many others, diagnosed or not, feel the same way. I wish you the best this week and keep fighting!

Hold my hands up for too long, I feel my fingers numbed

Eat too fast, I puke

Eat too light, I pass out

Wear too many jackets, I hyperventilate

Wear thin clothes, my temperature drops

Sleep too little, tired all day

Sleep too much, tired all day

Accidentally bump into something, pain

No entiendo nada de lo que me esta pasando.

Un día estoy bien y al otro me dicen que tengo una enfermedad autoinmune, la cual causa ataques severos de ansiedad, palpitaciones y taquicardias.

Nuevamente me pregunto por qué? A caso si lo merezco, a caso debo vivir con esto?

No sé si pueda ser fuerte para poder manejarlo. Días como hoy 19 de junio solo quiero desvivirme porque no puedo avanzar con todo lo que con lleva esta enfermedad.

Tengo mucho miedo a veces pienso que voy a morir y otros pienso en querer morir!

Ojalá que todo esto tenga un propósito grande porque ya no estoy soportando 😭

He orado muchas veces por esto pero tal vez no he sido muy perseverante porque al parecer no estoy siendo escuchada...

Seguiré contándoles como voy y como es vivir con esto!!

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