#autistic-crypt1d

I saw a video online and it was this person saying stuff along the lines of "you have to think to yourself, my husband would never!" Meaning like, this about the people you're dating, would your future spouse act like that? No? Dump them!! So here's my list to keep myself accountable and maybe influence others to not settle for "good enough". I will probably add to it at some point.

My future spouse would never:

- make me ask them to do chores around our shared home

- put their phone on silent outside of select instances like the movies or something (if I know they're at work or busy, I'm not gonna call unless it's important! You can put your phone on do not disturb with an exceptions list and my spouse would have me on that list!)

- forget an important event of mine

- not plan my birthday (yes, I would make it clear I want that, ONCE. I would not have to ask again.)

- make me ask for flowers

- make me ask for more affection, more dates, more effort

- make me initiate every hard conversation

- stop showing interest in my life and hobbies

- make fun of my insecurities

- make jokes at my expense especially in front of others

- doubt my experiences

- make me manage our life by myself

- stop going to therapy

- make me feel less than because of my disabilities

- act like everything they do for me is a compromise and a sacrifice

- take their emotions out on me

My spouse WOULD:

- take initiative

- make me feel special REGULARLY

- show love for me every day

- do/say something sweet for/to me every day

- hear me for my words and not interpret them as anything else

- cook dinner every day or meal prep to the point that I can just warm it up for us or something

- clean up after themselves

- refill things around the house/add things to the grochery list independently

- take me on dates minimum once a week

- ask me about my day every day

- ask me to do things together just because I like them

- apologize PROPERLY

- take ownership of their responsibilities and their actions

- communicate their feelings

- make a mental or physical list of things I like and need for gifts, I will never be making a gift list for a partner EVER AGAIN. I can remember and write it down, so can they

I am making a vow here and now that when I eventually do start dating again, I will consult this list

Sometimes I feel really good like I could walk around for a while, maybe even run, but then I have to remind myself that the only reason I can even get around my house and take short walks is because I don't do that. If I do the things I crave to do I'll hurt myself and be unable to do anything at all.

I haven't ran in about a decade now. I used to be the fastest kid in class and now I can't even speed walk.

Right now I don't want to go out at all because I hate that I can only go if I take my wheelchair and it's so much effort and I'll still be in pain.

People take the freedom of working legs for granted, I did.

I miss going for long walks, exploring the woods, running with my dog and my friends. I miss when my legs, my hands, my arms, my body worked.

I miss playing guitar. It's been over a decade since my hand gave out and I had to stop playing to preserve the function I still had. I had to stop using keyboards too, stop playing games using one, I couldn't use my hand at all for almost 2 years. All anyone would say to me was "at least it's not your dominate hand"

I miss eating at restaurants or anywhere not in my own home. I haven't been able to eat sitting up in 2 years and I'm never going to be able to again. The damage is irreversible.

I miss climbing trees, it's been over a decade since I have. I used to practically live in the tree in my backyard as a kid. I still remember the view.

I'll never be able to drive, I never got to know what that freedom would have felt like.

But some days I look and feel fine and I get my hopes up and I do whatever I want and I get hurt, and I lose parts of myself for days or longer. Sometimes I'm never the same and I have to mourn myself again.

Sometimes I think that this is worse, like I'm finally given water and punished for drinking it.

I miss my old body.

I hate when I feel so close to it but can never quite reach.