Okay then nan! Roast all the islanders!
Cracks knuckles. Let’s do this.
Let’s start with the low hanging fruit first shall we?
Felix- if you don’t shut your dumb ass mouth, I will bitch slap you with your own clammy ass hand. How dare you approach me smelling like a whole can of axe body spray, you overgrown toddler.
Jakub- the amount of confidence you have as a giant ass thumb is almost admirable. Take your ironed socks and your micro penis and get out of my face before your shirt button finally gives up its losing battle and I lose an eye. I am not trying to get hulk smashed today.
Marisol- you chicken handed bitch. Maybe try caring about literally anyone besides yourself. Psychoanalizing everything isn’t a personality trait, at least not one I would brag about, but 🤷🏼♀️. Also imagine being immature enough to use and backstab everyone in the game, and you still get voted out before the final... oh wait you don’t have to imagine. That’s your reality.
Hope- imagine a world where you aren’t the boss, and the center of attention?? Can you picture it? Good now you see what everyone else does.
Jo- I honestly don’t even know where to begin with you, so much low hanging fruit I’m overwhelmed. I guess I will just point at your entire self.
Elisa- girl call your gynecologist ASAP.. your lingerie fabric is in places only God can find. Also imagine thinking coming up with a lame ass insult like gossip sneezer made you important.
Elijah- I would roast you, but that would require I find you interesting enough to notice you. Sorry.
Noah- there’s a fancy new thing called a spine... find one.
Lottie- maybe if you weren’t such a watch dog you would have more friends. It’s funny to me on day 2 when you get after priya saying “you make it sound hot, everyone loves authority figures right?” Considering you make it a point to be the enforcer of all things girl code... even though you can’t ever police yourself. Everyone loves a hypocrite right?
Rocco- it’s difficult to come up with a decent roast for someone who self roasts every time they open their mouth and think whatever comes out is interesting... 🤷🏼♀️ also shower please. That’s not a roast just an honest request. I can smell you through my screen.
Hannah- It’s sad to me that the most interesting thing about you is that absolute atrocity of your post “glow up” hair, and wondering what kind of core strength you just have to stand in such a way. The back problems you must have carrying that hair flip around. I feel for you.
Kassam-You had no business lying about your age on your application. We all know you’re twelve.
Graham- Imagine consciously choosing to have a crab permanently tattooed on your body. Oh wait.. you did. More than once.
Arjun- a 70’s porno called. They want their mustache back.
Carl- you look like a tiktok eboy... you have suffered enough.
Bobby- Miami vice called, they need their wardrobe back.
Gary- inviting a girl to a ship yard isn’t romantic, it’s how every horror film starts. No girl wants to go with you because they are afraid they will end up in your trunk with you saying “it puts the lotion on the skin.”
Ibrahim- Asking jo to be your girlfriend confirmed to me you are a certified clown. Also you have the personality of your average sack of flour.
Here you go anon hope you enjoyed my sassy side.
