#ash ranting

Hang on, it’s…*checks notes*…THE 14TH?!? And I haven’t made a pride month post?????? How could it beeeee???

Oh, wait. No. I know why I haven’t.

I don’t feel safe to do so. I know, it sounds ridiculous. But so much shit has happened since last year that I’ve basically shut down. 2026 has been horrific before it even began. People stopped caring about the Epstein Files because the sheer volume of badness is far too much for the average human person to properly process. We’re in an economic depression. Stop lying to yourself, yes, we are! Gaza is still being bombed every single day by Israel, AI data centres are being built everywhere despite nobody wanting them (except the greedy CEOs and politicians, of course), racism and sexism are “cool” again, people are being detained and sent to camps, anti-immigration policies are being pushed in national governments everywhere, and our entire world is going to shit.

I’m tired, man.

I can’t do this anymore.

I’ve been told that me being in a relationship with a man (well, technically a nonbinary AMAB person, but you get the idea) means that I “don’t have to” go to pride. Usually I say “fuck that shit, I’m going to pride because I need a pressure valve and there’s no reason not to go”. Unfortunately, we keep having pressure valves for less, and still, NOTHING. EVER. GETS. DONE.

I just…I can’t go on. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Nothing ever seems to change.

Yes, this is even reflected in rainbow capitalism. Remember how last year, I complained about how rainbow capitalism was completely toned down out of fear? Well, this year, it’s so toned down that it’s practically nonexistent. Last year, there was the odd “progressive pride flag” merch, as scant as it was. Now, corporations are so unaffected by the gays that you might—MIGHT—see a rainbow-coloured eyeshadow at Shoppers or whatever…but that’s it! Absolutely nothing else they’re selling is LGBT, I assure you. Not a speck of rainbow to taste.

And no, being in Canada doesn’t protect me from this shit. We’ve already got a bunch of corporate lobbyists and white supremacist groups pushing for more racism and more division, trying to create a schism that will leave us so divided and fractured that we’ll let the states take us over…but not before they strip us of our environment and natural resources, of course!

So yeah. Pride feels like an afterthought at this point. People are fucking terrified. And there’s absolutely nothing we can do. I 100% knew this was going to happen.

I’ll still fly my flags, I guess. Even if it stops meaning anything. Even if it puts me on some list of “domestic terrorists”, which is a funny word for “whoever the government doesn’t like”. All I can do is hope that we can celebrate, hope that some sort of revolution comes eventually. Hope that one day, everything will be all right again.

Wishing you all the best of luck, and a happy pride to you all.

You'd think that someone as mentally ill and fucked up as I would be the type of person to enjoy the show Euphoria.

You'd be wrong. :/ I hate this show with a burning passion. I hate every single character, I hate how it's not an accurate representation of drug users OR mentally ill teenagers (although that one toxic fratboy is accurate), I hate everything about it.

I don't care about the shitty music, or the LGBT+ representation (which isn't even that good, come on guys), or the scenes of teenagers losing themselves to drugs and sex under bisexual lighting. Because none of that matters to me if the characters are all downright insufferable and everybody acts like the same overemotional, hysterical garbage person who hurts others. In fact, I'd say that the excessive melodrama actually removes from the likability of the characters, probably because they're less "relatable" to teens and/or former teen druggies. Skins, this is not.

Last but not least, where the fuck are the drug withdrawals? The physical destruction of one's own body? The illnesses? The psych ward admissions? The episodes which utterly destroy you as a person? I was expecting some sort of teen version of Trainspotting, with all of its compelling characters and realistic portrayal of drug addiction from start to finish, and instead I got a fucking soap opera with spoiled, overprivileged theatre kids.

If I remember correctly, the creator of the show said he based it off of his childhood or something like that. So I know exactly how privileged and cushioned his self-destruction and descent into addiction must have been. Meanwhile, I've known people who weren't protected by money or friends or social status or anything like that. People whose lives were a living hell. People who just barely survived adolescence by the skin of their teeth, and lost time, freedom, innocence, joy, motivation, creativity, direction...everything, really. Some of these people are no longer alive.

None of this is supposed to be romanticized for the viewers. We should see the times where these characters realize that they are utterly alone. When they have no one to talk to. Or rather, when they feel they don't. When they can't even trust their friends. The soul-crushing realization that nothing is going to get better unless they can finally grow up and change something.

I guess there's a silver lining, though. It made me realize something about myself. As much as my teenage years were marred with social ostracism, isolation, manipulation and mental illness, I consider myself lucky. I knew people who were way, way worse off. Most of these people did not have rich parents and/or stable families, but this allowed them to try and escape. They found an escape in art, in music, in writing.

And here's the thing: they were not rich in money, but they were rich in soul. Many of these people were kind, and wise, and could teach you anything. Sure, they were often as immature as those rich pampered teens on TV, but they were never hostile or rude. With the exception of the odd sociopath or two, most of them had a code. It wasn't enough to save them from drug addiction, but it kept them going enough to seek solace in something that they could create for themselves.

That's the real tragedy: these teens are people. They are children, forced to grow up in a world which hates and fears them, under the most hellish conditions imaginable. To be a teenager is to constantly be at war with yourself and society. But when you're a teen who's growing up in an environment which actively harms you, you'll do anything to escape. You'll isolate yourself from your friends, lose connections, give up your previous hobbies. That's the scariest feeling of all. Deep down, you're still a lost child, trapped by unhealthy coping mechanisms and forces beyond your brain. Sometimes you're aware of how horrifying this is, and you'll be powerless to stop it.

So yeah, Euphoria could be good, if it pulled no punches in showing every horrifying detail of drug addiction and mental illness. But...it doesn't. Just the "attractive" heroin-chic parts you can add to a tumblr post for sad girls. By refusing the whole picture, you are denying the characters of their proper dignity and a hope for recovery/growth.

Has it crossed your mind that some disabled people actually enjoy fireworks?

No, really. I'm autistic, and I fucking LOVE fireworks. I get why other people don't like them, yes. But I love the sounds and sights of them. That being said, having a firework explode in my hand would sound fucking awesome right now, because I'd rather die than have to sit through more assholes coming at me under the cover of ask box anonymity.

All I can say is: I hope that you get the joy of hearing fireworks like I do. :) And if not, who fucking cares. This isn't the hill I'm dying on, even if you want me to die on it. I live on, slut.

Hmm. I could do that. Or maybe I could wager a guess that you got way too offended over a stupid comment on social media.

I'm not trying to "absolve myself of responsibility" or white guilt or what have you. I legitimately do not care. I simply thought that the post was funny and wanted to know what the mandarin phrase was. That's fucking it. Also, using anonymous? Really? Come out and show yourself, you insipid little coward.

操你妈.

November, however, is ACTIVELY depressing. This is the month you hate. This month contains cold weather and the crap part of fall, where there's nonstop rain and/or snow, cold winds, everything's dead and gray, etc. It also contains early winter, which thanks to climate change, is usually just a big ball of grey and brown. You might get the occasional snow, but only for a few days, and then it'll either freeze it over into ice, or rain so hard that it washes most of the snow away. There's also Remembrance Day, which is designed to mourn the fallen soldiers in...well, in ANY war, really. If World Wars 1 and 2 didn't teach us anything, perhaps nothing will. Many parts of the world are still very much at war as we speak, even if they avoid referring to it as that. It's a grim reminder that war really doesn't change. I'm also glad that I'm not American, because you guys have to do Thanksgiving during this month, for some reason. In Canada, we don't do much: it's just an excuse to join up with the family and eat dinner, and that's it. It's about thanks for a bountiful harvest. That's about it. But in America, you have a shit ton of capitalism tacked on over that: sports events, commercials, and the like. And that's assuming you even LIKE your families! Which might be a bit harder, given the current situation you guys are in...

Then there's the whole "Black Friday" bullshit, where people fight tooth and nail to get stuff that's on sale so they don't have to spend as much during the month of December. I would know: my birthday's in December, and my parents would ALWAYS have a time limit (e.g. after Halloween) for me to say what I wanted for my birthday because they'd be racing to get it on sale. Except here's the thing: it still is bullshit. There are times when the "deals" aren't actually cheaper, and are pretty much the same as what they might be at any other time. So it's stupid to stress over.

Also, Halloween's over. Which really sucks, because I love Halloween, and the fallout is the worst. Except I'm not ready for Christmas. I never have been. It's a lovely holiday, but it's not for me. I'm an adult, which means the magic is gone, and has been gone since about age 9. Really, this holiday only works if you're close with your family, or if you have one of your own, because the movies and music are complete crap, and everybody over the age of 10 knows it.

There's a reason why people use November as a crutch for quitting addictions. If you wanna quit junk food/alcohol/cocaine/whatever, that's fine by me. But you could also do that in January. Except you never hear about people doing that in January. And for what? I feel like the start of the New Year is a better time to quit something, rather than just before the end of the old one.

We're not allowed to check social media, like, only once every few days. No. The hard part is the fact that you must check it every day, at least a few times.