#asexualasf

You don't feel broken, but you don't quite feel like you belong either, so you tell yourself that the tingly feelings will come once you know the person better, but it just doesn't happen.

Then someone tells you that they like you. You, the one who doesn't fit in, the one that never seems to understand exactly what is happening, the one who always seems two steps behind and doesn't have the legend so they can read the map, and you think 'Ah! This! This is my ticket to being normal.'

You agree to liking them back, and for a bit, it is great. You suddenly have someone that wants to talk to you again, and you have an answer now for everyone else's questions. “Yes, I like someone, didn't you know that I have a  ___friend now?”

And you fit in again!

Well, at least for a little while you do.

The person you now 'like' eventually wants to do more than just talk. They want to hold hands.

You've never held hands with anyone not family before. The thought of touching another person like that is weird. You think to yourself, 'well, I am just shy, and this is a new relationship, my first in fact, and holding hands is pretty public'. You go from wanting everyone to know that you have a person to not wanting to show it to the world, because holding hands is intimate and public.

They don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to hold their hand, because if you won't hold hands with them, that obviously means you didn't like them, when in fact, you actually did. You cherished the time spent talking with them, and hanging out together, one on one, but you just don't really like being touched.

You go back to being alone again. Being on the outskirts of the school society. After a while, the gossip dies down about you being a 'prude', and someone new comes up to you and says, “I think I like you!”

You think 'Yes! Now I have someone again.” The first thing you do is hold their hand, so that they don't leave you like the last person did.

But they want more. Holding hands isn't enough, you see. They want kisses.

Kisses are so much more than hand holding, and you don't know if you can do that, but suddenly they are just kissing you right on the mouth without any warning it seems, and it's not the worst thing ever. It doesn't feel like everyone else describes, but it's not entirely unpleasant. It is wet, and kind of gross, if you are being honest, but if it keeps you from being alone, you think you can put up with it.

Until you just can't anymore. You break up. You are alone again.

Alone isn't so bad. You have your books. You carry one around with you everywhere.  You are no longer alone, you have all your friends with you.

Except they aren't really your friends. They aren't real, you see. They are just words printed on pages, and while you know every detail about them, they know nothing about you. You start craving human attention again. Besides, people are starting to talk and call you weird, since you would rather read a book than go on dates.

Once, when you are sitting at home, in your safe space, or at least as safe of place it could be with your family who doesn't really understand you there, and you are reading another book, there is a knock on the door.

Your father answers it.

“Hello, sir. I'm here for ___. I was wondering if I could take them out on a date.”

Before you can answer for yourself, you father, who just wants you to do normal things, and not just sit at home reading all weekend, answers for you. “They'd love to. I'll go get them.”

Now you have to go on a date. It's not the worst thing ever. They are funny, and don't look unpleasant, so you agree to date them. You've looked up guides on the internet on kissing now, so now you know how to take control, so it doesn't feel like their tongue is invading your mouth anymore.

One time when you are kissing, and they are moaning (should you also be moaning? Maybe you should try. Oh god, that sounded so weird, but now they are writhing against you, so maybe they liked it?). They then work their hand under your shirt. You decide you like the skin on skin contact. Their skin feels nice against yours, but then they work their hand into your pants. Suddenly you don't like skin contact anymore. You are writhing, but they think its good writhing, and you are being invaded.

The contact isn't bad, but it doesn't do anything for you, and it is unwanted. But if you tell them it is unwanted, they might leave you, and you will be alone again. So you let them. They want to do this all the time now, and they want you to start touching them too. You just want to fit in, so you do it. For a while at least. They want more than touching, but you can't give them more, so they leave you too.

You wonder if this is how everyone feels.

It is near your final year of school. You have developed a friend now who also doesn't seem to like other people like that. You think you are safe. Then they reveal that they only hang out with you so much because they have a crush on you.

If you say you don't like them like that, you will lose your best friend. So you agree to dating. You go further with them than anyone else because that's what normal relationships are like, and if you just try hard enough, you can be normal too.

It's painful. And boring. You try again, and it doesn't get any better. You think it might be because you are both virgins.

They tell you they love you during, once. You tell them you don't know if you love them or not, and how you feel, because they are your best friend.

They say they understand, and that they will be there no matter what.

You decide you would rather just be friends with them, because you don't enjoy that stuff with them, and they call you a freak. They spread it around school what you look like in your intimate areas. Everyone is laughing at you, but you don't understand why.  Then they tell you they can't be without you, and they'd be better off dead than without. You panic.

They don't do anything drastic, but you still feel so much guilt inside. You caused another person to feel like that because you are broken.

You find a new person. This one you approach first. You have heard from others how good they are, so you want to try.

Turns out they are better. They know what they are doing, and so it no longer hurts. It even starts to feel kind of good. You never really go out, but you are exclusive.

You are going off to college though, so you break it off with them. At college there is this person. They are cute. You tell them your boundaries. They never really respect your boundaries, claiming that when you get a person all hot and bothered, you can't expect them not to act on it. You don't know, because you've never really been all hot and bothered, so you take their word for it.

Turns out you were just part of their 'duties' to get into an exclusive club on campus.

You meet a new person. You actually enjoy spending time with them, and you both enjoy doing the same things, and it doesn't feel like you have to work to be with them. You can just be with them, without having to think about every motion. They like being intimate though, and you decide you can do that.

You actually feel pretty good with them, and you wonder if this is what everyone else has been feeling this entire time. You stay with them. Forever. But the newness of enjoying it wears off after a while, and you start dreading intimate time with them. You start staying up late, so you don't go to bed at the same time as them, so there is less of a chance of it happening.

Then you come across this term. Asexual. You don't think anything of it at first. Sure, you can understand where they are coming from, in some of the examples, but you've been intimate a lot, and they are are saying they are repulsed by the very idea.

But then your partner comes across a similar term, demisexual, and they tell you about it. It fits a lot more, but still not perfect. But you didn't know there could be other versions of it. You research more, and discover there are many different versions. You finally decide on greysexual, and that feels right. You tell your partner, excited to know there are others like you, and they are happy for you.

You get married to them. You think this hand you were dealt isn't so bad after all.

And then they tell you that if they knew you were asexual from the beginning they probably wouldn't be with you, but that they do love you, and a happy being with you.