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Angenigender Flag
Angenigender: experiencing no gender as a result of being assex/asexed (angenital/agenital or agonadal); an agender identity tied to sexlessness (such as angenitalia, agenitalia and nullo(genitalia/gonadism)).
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The catalyst to ten years of mental hell
About two days ago I was speaking to my mother, and the conversation somehow took a turn towards genders, gender identity and the like. My mother is well aware that I identify as agender and she knows everything about my quest to become asexed/nonsexed, and she has wholeheartedly supported me through it. Though I forget how the conversation turned into that, I remember one part of the conversation that brought back memories I had repressed and confirmed doubts I have had for a long time.
"Sascha, I've always known there was something different about you and how you saw your body. Do you remember when you were nine and your periods started? It felt like a war zone in here! You were so angry, you cursed out life itself and you kept yelling how you wanted everything to be taken out - your uterus and everything. You were so mad because you didn't understand what you had done to deserve all that. When I saw your reaction, I knew there was something else going on... and I think I realised it years before you did."
And at that moment, I had an epiphany.
I was nine when my periods started, but I was also nine when all these started...
Depression;
Suicidal ideations and urges;
Rampant self-hatred;
Hatred towards feminity in general;
Hating being called a girl or referred to as gendered in any way, to the point where I developed social anxiety to avoid people - and thus avoid being wrongly gendered;
Hating my birth name because it was so obviously a girl's name;
Hating the sound of my voice to the point of not speaking because it was too feminine;
Hating being forced to be in girl's clothing...
The list could go on forever.
What my mother told me confirmed that my thoughts were correct: The catalyst to half a life of mental hell was my own body forcing me into feminity!!
To face that fact and know that I was right after all felt... Relieving. I could finally pinpoint exactly where everything started and where my body went wrong.
Now, it's up to me to make it right.
New year's hopes
A new year has dawned upon us, and with it come new possibilities and new opportunities. My greatest hope is that this year will be the year that I will be able to, at the very least, begin my physical transformation into the asexed being that I know I am. Posts will resume shortly. The holidays have kept me quite occupied.
An introduction is welcomed.
Throughout my life I have met a lot of people who fell outside of the commonly-accepted gender binary, or who desired to change/have changed their sex to allow their body to reflect who they truly are; however, I have not yet encountered anyone who quite feels the same way about their body as I do about mine. The many people who have changed their sex have usually gone from one sex to another, whether it was female to male, or male to female. What I strive to achieve with my body is not simply to change my sex, but rather, to fall into the "absolute middle" of both sexes as I interpret them; to become as close to what I refer to as "asexed" (not having a sex) as I can be. I would like to blend characteristics of both sexes within my body (in ways I will elaborate upon in later posts) and completely remove my reproductive organs as well. For those curious about my gender identity, I am agender, meaning I do not feel that I have a gender at all. My goal to become asexed is only very loosely linked to my gender identity, and has nothing to do with my gender expression. I derived the word asexed from a word in my native language: the French word asexué, meaning "which does not have a sex". As far as I know, English does not have a specific word for this, hence deriving one from French. If I am in the wrong, or if I am accidentally using a word belonging to another community, please correct me and I will change my wording immediately. I know I can only go so far because of biology, and because I cannot change the genetic makeup of my body. Do I have mental issues causing me to think this way and making me want to mess with my body in this way? Most likely. I am well aware this is not a normal train of thought for most people, but it has always been for me, and I hope I will be able to achieve what I want with my body even if people like to tell me my way of thinking is wrong. I started this blog partly as a way to discuss my situation, vent a bit, and also in hopes of meeting others like me, if any exist. In future posts I plan to go into more details about everything going on in my head regarding this situation. In the meantime, feel free to ask questions if you have any.
