#aro tag

Not proud to be here.

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Ok, here goes draft like 5 of this fucking post. I spent 4 hours tossing and turning in bed last night thinking about this, and then this morning I found a tumblr post that really helped me understand what I was trying to say.

The post talks about how aromantic "advocates" claim that "aros don't take up resources, so there's no reason not to include them!" And if that's actually what people believe, I think I can finally articulate why it is that I feel so alienated in queer spaces.

It's because aspecs in general aren't "welcomed" by much of the queer community. We're tolerated. We perhaps get the luxury of not being contradicted on our own identities, or not being specifically kicked out of LGBTQ-only spaces, but that's the whole point: what we get out of the queer "community" is people NOT doing things, not actually doing things FOR us. And that, frankly, is not enough. We deserve conversations about us. We deserve to have others consider our feelings, even when making lighthearted jokes. We deserve varied, respectful representation in media. We deserve the active deconstruction of amatonormativity in society. We deserve to have space made for us, rather than at most being told we should "go take up more space!" ourselves.

Of course, the reality is that my being aspec is a personal matter that does not inherently affect anyone else. But the same can be said for literally any queer identity. Your being gay doesn't say anything about me, so of course I shouldn't hurt you for it, but why should I help you either? Because your happiness and comfort are important. The same goes for aspecs.

And most of the time, I don't even need anyone to make space for or expend resources on me; I can live fine in everyday, non-queer-specific places without mentioning my identity at all. But it's the queer community that claims it will make that space for me, doesn't, and then acts defensive and morally pure if I call out the hypocrisy because "we're queer too, you can't erase our identities to advocate for yours!!!!"

Again, this post isn't about specifics. I have queer friends who are incredibly thoughtful and supportive about my identity, just as I have non-queer friends who are. I find more solidarity in aspec-only communities, as well as trans/genderqueer ones, although there are still many exceptions. This post is also not about amatonormative ideology, which is extremely common from queer and non-queer people alike. This post is about the reason I've felt so betrayed by the queer community.

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I think it's this bit. In the book. Which is a fair bit different than the movie line.

Stratt is not denigrating his life because he doesn't have a partner. She is insulting him for being a coward.

Which he categorically is. He is a coward. This is a key part of his personality. And he did quit his academic career in the book; he was not fired.

Aro people who don't want partnered relationships are told they're scared of commitment or being hurt all the time. And it's rude and hurtful. But it's also not true of us. And for Grace, it's a cornerstone of his character that it is true.

And Grace doesn't even disagree. He admits it, although he has no interest in changing it.

Stratt would have sent him on that ship without hesitation even if he was married. Him being aro or not or romantically entangled or not is not actually relevant to his narrative at all. No character ever indicates or even suggests that his life is worth less because he's single. He's just scared.

And people can headcanon whatever the hell they want, and the movie does change this part. And like. Whatever. I get that it's a relatable idealized narrative for a lot of aro people.

But you know, it's also fair to point out that it's really not related to anything canon whatsoever for him to be aroace. He gets a platonic happy ending, and people who are not aro are allowed to have platonic happy endings, too.