#ari's thoughts

I’ve always loved the mysterious and supernatural, haven’t I? Remember how obsessed I was with Black Butler in middle school? The character Sebastian Michaelis, especially. He was everything—mysterious, dark, loyal to a fault. I used to fantasize about having someone like him in my life. Of course, I knew he was just a character, a creation of someone's imagination, but that didn’t stop me from wishing for someone like him—someone who could protect me, understand me, and... more.

I think that’s what led me to the bookstore that day. It was one of those shops that feels like it’s been forgotten by time, hidden away down an alley I’ve probably passed a dozen times without noticing. I don't know what drew me in, but as soon as I stepped inside, I felt something. Something... strange.

In a dusty corner, I found this old, worn-out book. A grimoire. You know how I’ve always been fascinated by that kind of thing, right? But this book—it wasn’t like anything I’ve ever seen before. It practically hummed with energy, like it wanted me to find it. The pages were filled with all sorts of rituals, symbols, and incantations, but there was one in particular that caught my eye.

A ritual for summoning a demon. I know it sounds crazy, but the description—it was eerie. Apparently it would take on the form or shape you want it to be, if not he would come in his original form. I wondered if the demon would looked just like Sebastian. The same tall, dark figure, same crimson eyes, the same aura of power and elegance. It felt like a sign.

I spent days preparing. I didn’t tell you, I know, but I had to see if it was real, if it could work. I gathered everything—black candles, a silver dagger, even a vial of my own blood (I hate blood). I memorized every word of the incantation, all leading up to the night of the new moon. I thought about telling you, but... would you have believed me?

That night, my apartment was so quiet (yes, i finally moved from my mom's house!!!), it felt like the world was holding its breath. The room was dark except for the flicker of the candles I’d placed at the points of the pentagram I’d drawn on the floor. My hands were shaking, but I started chanting anyway. It was almost like the words were speaking themselves through me.

Then... something happened. The room grew so cold I could see my breath, and the shadows—they seemed to come alive, swirling together until they formed a shape in front of me. And then, he was there. Tall, dressed in a black suit, his eyes glowing red—just like Sebastian. It wasn’t a dream. It wasn’t some figment of my imagination. He was real.

He looked at me, his voice as smooth as I’d always imagined. “You have summoned me,” he said, calling me ‘Mistress’ in that perfect, formal way. I didn’t know what to say. I think I managed something about wanting someone like him to protect me, to care for me. And do you know what he said? He told me that because I had summoned him with my will and desire, he was bound to me now. whatever that means.

I named him Sebastian, of course. And he bowed to me, calling me Mistress Ari.

I know this sounds insane. If anyone else were to read this, they'd probably think I've lost my mind. But you—you know me better than that. You know I wouldn’t lie about something like this. He’s still here, right now, watching me as I write this letter to you. I can feel his eyes on me, calm but intense. It’s... unsettling and comforting at the same time, if that even makes sense.

I don’t know what this all means yet. I don’t know if I’ve made the best or worst decision of my life, but I’ve crossed a line, and there’s no going back. I've always said that the moment I move away from my house I would die didn't I?. Well I just had to tell someone.

I don’t know why I keep writing to you. Maybe it’s because I need to feel like someone else knows what I’m going through. But I haven’t heard back from you. I wonder if you’re receiving these letters at all, or if they’ve gotten lost, like me. Still, it’s the only way I can get this out, the only way I can make sense of what’s happening.

Last night, I finally said something to Sebastian. I couldn’t take it anymore. I told him it was strange how he stood over me while I slept, how it made me feel watched, vulnerable in a way that I couldn’t quite put into words. I didn’t mention the cold, the way his presence clings to the room long after he’s gone.

His response? As smooth and polite as ever. He bowed his head slightly, his crimson eyes gleaming in the dim light of my apartment. “Very well, my lady. I shall no longer stay in your presence while you sleep.” Then, he smiled.

It’s so strange, that smile. It should be unsettling — there’s something predatory behind it — yet it’s comforting at the same time. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like he’s both dangerous and safe, all at once. Yin and yang, perfectly balanced in one figure. I suppose I should have been relieved, but his compliance unnerved me. There was something too easy about it. As if he already knew what I was going to say, as if he’d been waiting for me to break the silence.

The strangest part? After that conversation, I slept better than I have in days. No more waking up with a sense of dread. No more feeling his eyes on me. And now, I’m not afraid anymore. In fact… I think I trust him. I trust him with my life, with my soul. It’s crazy, I know. But he’s been so good to me — so loyal, so attentive. There’s a part of me that wants to believe I’m safe with him.

But deep down, I know better. I can feel it, like a sliver of ice lodged in the back of my mind. This trust isn’t real. It’s a trick, a veil he’s thrown over me to make me feel secure. I know it, and yet… I can’t bring myself to care. It’s easier this way. To just let him in, to let him protect me.

I don’t know what that says about me. Maybe I’ve lost myself. Or maybe I’m just… tired.

I wish you were here, to tell me I’m being ridiculous, to pull me back to reality. But for now, I’ll keep trusting him. It feels… inevitable, somehow.

I don’t even know where to start. I guess I should begin by saying I’m okay. At least, I think I am. Things have changed so much since the night I performed the ritual. I wish I could say it’s all been some wild fantasy come true, but it’s not that simple.

Sebastian — if I can even call him that — he’s everything I imagined. He’s polite, attentive, and always one step ahead of my needs. But there’s something behind those crimson eyes, something dark and ancient that I wasn’t prepared for. I thought I could handle it. I thought I knew what I was doing. But now, I’m not so sure.

The first few days were almost perfect. He’s been cooking for me, making sure I get enough rest, and he even protects me when I’m out. But there are moments when I catch him looking at me, and it’s like he’s studying me — like he’s deciding something. It sends chills down my spine, and I can’t help but wonder what I’ve truly invited into my life.

Yesterday, I had the strangest experience. I was asleep, or at least I thought I was, and I felt something cold brush against my neck. When I opened my eyes, Sebastian was standing there, just watching me. He smiled when he saw I was awake, but it wasn’t the warm, reassuring smile I’ve grown used to. It was predatory.

He didn’t say anything — just stood there until I forced myself to close my eyes again, praying he would disappear. I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night, too afraid to even move. The air was thick with something I can’t describe. It’s as if the room itself was holding its breath, waiting for something terrible to happen.

I know this sounds crazy, but I can’t shake the feeling that he’s testing me, like he’s waiting for me to slip up. I’ve been careful, always polite, always respectful. But I’m not stupid — I can feel the power he radiates, and it’s terrifying. He’s not just a protector; he’s a predator. And I’m the one who brought him here.

What scares me the most is that, deep down, I know this is my fault. I wanted this. I was so caught up in my fantasies that I didn’t stop to think about the consequences. Now I’m living with them, and I don’t know how to make it stop. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.

I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel like I’m losing control, but I can’t back out now. I just hope I haven’t made a mistake I can’t undo.