#arachnus

(I'm gonna assume you sent this ask to the wrong blog the first time so I'll let it slide)

Key: Arachnus, Arachnia, Toadal Dude, Uber Geeko

"I have a brothel to run, I have greater responsibilities than worrying about my older brother being an absolute buffoon and getting both himself and his husband banished to the human world for over a century."

"I will never hear the end of this, will I?"

"NO!"

...

"I-I was occupying myself with the books Arachnus lent me at the time, s-so I didn't even know..."

"Trust me, you don't wanna know."

"You always say that like I can't handle whatever it is you tell me..."

"It's just... embarrassing. Like, REALLY embarrassing."

"Okay, and...?"

"I..." *sigh* "Bean buns. That's what it was about."

"..." "..." "..." "..."

"Seriously?"

He can taste energon on his glossa. He can feel it on his face, on his arms, chassis, legs, whatever's left of him, if it's attached, there's energon.

arachnus, being a tsuchigumo, builds the classic Atypus web structure: a horizontal silken tube about three times his length and large enough for him to move around reasonably freely inside. of course, purse-web spiders usually build their Tube in a burrow they've dug into the soil, but arachnus did not do that so his Tube is not hidden by dirt

when prey approaches the web, a normal purse-web spider will lunge, grab their prey through the silk, bite a hole in the web, and then drag their prey through. that is very annoying because it means every time you catch something you have to go back and fix the hole you cut in your house. so arachnus basically just made a permanent hole in the web sorta like a trapdoor so he can just reach out and drag his husband (toadal dude) in for snuggles without needing to repair the web after

(also if his web gets damaged, he will eat the damaged silk during repairs. it's a spider thing.)

what is your opinion on lard (to cook with)

because in my experience, lard does not obey the laws of physics or gravity when i try to work with it. it's madness

Key: Arachnus

have you ever tried to see what happens when you deep-fry a nutella uncrustable and then coat it in cinnamon sugar?

i have a feeling you'd like it :3

Key: Toadal Dude, Arachnus

*spider is buffering* (he has no idea what you just said)

"...Babe?"

"...Huh?"

"Hold on, I know a guy who can solve this."

*sniff sniff* "Well, it at least smells edible... but you know I'm always skeptical of these BBQ-based foods." *monch*

"...Sooooo, how is i--"

*aaaaand it's gone*

"..."

"Would willingly eat it again, though I'm not entirely fond of the mess it left behind. My thanks."

because i also do that. i get mildly stressed and i just start spinning like maxwell rotate

Key: Toadal Dude, Arachnus

"Yep. Don't take much to stress him out, either; it could be somethin' as mundane as a doctor's appointment and he'll still be pacin' like crazy."

"You call it "mundane," I call it "being forced out of my human form and nearly destroying the entire building in the process." I think my stress response is justified in this example, no?"

"...Bad example, got it."

"Also you don't need to answer these for me, I am perfectly capable of speaking for myself..."

"Oh. I thought you--"

"You thought wrong. I seldom speak enough as it is, I don't need to be spoken for during the few hours of the day I feel sociable."

"Gotcha, I'll try not to do that anymore."

just imagine dylan's Banana Fritters video but replace dylan with arachnus.

"this book smells like a horse." (<- said in a very serious tone)

Key: Toadal Dude, Arachnus, Arachnia

"FIYAAAAH!" "FIYAAAAH!"

"I got no idea what they're on about, but this is mad entertaining."