#april16

Ralph Waldo Ellison was an American writer, literary critic, and scholar best known for his novel Invisible Man, which won the National Book Award in 1953.

To whoever is reading this (or not?) 

Hello! I started this blog as a way to cope and speak about whatever’s happening in my life without feeling paranoid about whatever people think. Better a stranger judges me rather than people I personally know, right? 

I am...not very good with my words. Even now as I’m writing this, I’m feeling a bit insecure about what I’ll put out even though I know no one’s going to read it but me. I guess it’s just crazy that I’m even doing this in the first place. I don’t know why I’m doing this at all. I’ve probably had enough! 

Maybe I’ll write about stories about my childhood, or my own opinions of shows I’ve watched? I mean I’m not a genius or anything, so just take whatever I say with a grain of salt 

Let’s just cut to the chase -- I started this anonymous blog because I’ve been feeling unimportant. Do you ever feel so burdened by your own mediocrity that it’s physically hard to get out of bed? To know that you’re living your life with no personality, nothing notable about yourself, always on the precipice of being just like everyone else and becoming someone greater? But you never cross that line. Always just at the edge and then

nothing. 

I feel like another faceless person roaming the earth these days. I have a kind, intelligent, handsome boyfriend who’s too good for me. I have friends who excel in their passions, have closer and tighter knit friendships than I can imagine myself to be a part of. I feel like a hoax pretending I could belong in these things. Maybe I do belong! As a background character. 

I’m not saying I’m like a stereotypical nerd or whatever conception you may be forming in your head right now. Or maybe I am and I’m just not as self-aware? I think I’m just a normal person, with some niche interests, loud, but not loud enough, and reserved. Average face, not thin nor fat, above average grades but nothing exceptional to get summa cum laude. Hard worker, but not the best in things I dabble on. Just okay enough. Never exceptional. You would think I have the potential. But I never reach it. 

Always on that precipice. 

I sometimes don’t know which part of me is real and which part is fabricated. I say that these fabricated parts of myself are stitched up parts of people in my life coming together to form their places within me. But sometimes, it seems like I forced it to be a part of myself just so I could say I belong in some scheme, big or small. Just so I could feel that I matter. That I’m not just another person, forgettable and overlooked. 

That is what is scaring me these days -- I think I am just fading away, that parts of me have just gone auto-pilot and that I don’t know who I am anymore. I am so scared of being left behind while everyone else that I love go on and do better things, better than where I am now. 

I am so scared of being alone, drowning in my own mediocrity. 

Felipe and Letizia retrospective: April 16th

2004: Went out to dinner with Cristina and Iñaki in Barcelona (1, 2)

2006: Easter Mass (1, 2)

2008: Opening of the 9th Legislature

2009: Work meeting on the promotion of school sports and assistance to the competitions of the Junior and Cadet categories in the Spanish School Age Championships 2009, in Volleyball

2010: Audiences at la Zarzuela

2012: Audiences at la Zarzuela

2013: Launch of “Mision 60 Aniversario” campaign against cancer.

2017: Easter Mass (1, 2, 3).

2018: Official welcome ceremony; Lunch & Gala dinner offered to the Portuguese president, Marcelo Rebelo de Sousa.

2020: Video to congratulate Queen Margrethe II of Denmark on her 80th birthday; Videoconference with State Network of Mental Health Spain; Meeting of the Operational Coordination Center of the Security Forces and Bodies (CECOR-COVID 19) & Audience with the Minister of Universities, Manuel Castells Oliván