#apogday4

Holding Tessa as she took her last breath was the worst feeling I have ever had to experience. "Don't go. Please, don't go," I whispered, hoping she could hear me, even if I knew she couldn't. I just sat there staring at her, wishing more than anything that I would see her chest rising and falling again instead of being still. My hand shook as I slowly closed her eyes, a never ending stream of tears flooding down my cheeks. The last thing that was on my mind was that everyone in Panem was watching me cry right now. I didn't care what people thought of me and how much of an emotional wreck I must seem because honestly, my heart felt shattered. I dreaded the moment that one of us would die but I had no idea it would be this hard. I think the thing that defeated me was the fact that I was the one who killed her. As the thought lingered on my mind, more tears escaped my eyes and by now I was letting out loud sobs. I pulled her lifeless body onto my lap, not even caring about the fact that my leg was still bleeding everywhere.

"Wake up," I whimpered, even my voice sounding weak. "Tessa, just wake up!" I screamed, looking down at her with hopeful eyes as if she would magically open her eyes and look back up at me with those beautiful blue eyes that I loved. But of course she didn't... because she was dead, and I was the reason she was dead. "I came here to protect you and now you're gone. You can't just leave me like that," I whispered as I rocked her body back and forth in my arms. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. I was the one who was supposed to die, not you." The tears in my eyes blurred my vision as I looked down at her, feeling more defeated than I ever had before.

I stayed quiet for a while before forcing myself to speak again. Though, it was fairly difficult to with the giant lump that had built up in my throat. "For three years all I could think about was how Tatum had died because I didn't help her. I felt like I had killed her and put you into the Asylum. But then I dedicated myself to making it up to you, to prove to myself that I wasn't as horrible as a person I thought I was. Then back in the Capitol, you convinced me it wasn't my fault and I believed you," I said, stopping to wipe away the tears with the back of my hand. "But now... now here we are because I killed you and everything feels like it's crumbling down on me again." The words sounded bitter coming out of my mouth and the thought made me sick to my stomach. "I know you would never blame me, but I do, Tessa, I do. I was supposed to protect you but instead I did the exact opposite. I failed you." By now I was sobbing again, and I was sure if anyone was around they could hear me but that didn't matter to me. I wanted to spend this time with her. I needed to. I looked up at the sky for a while, trying to force myself to believe she was up in the clouds watching over me, listening to every word I was saying.

"After Callan left for the hospital, I had no friends. Everyone was afraid of me. Little did they know that all of that anger was just a barrier that I put up to protect myself because I didn't want anyone to see how vulnerable the real me was. Then you came along and broke through that barrier. I have no idea how you did it but you did," I told her, a small laugh escaping my lips, the tears slowly beginning to stop. "You made me fall in love with you, Freckles. That was something that I never expected to happen but it did and I don't regret anything about it. For the first time in years I was truly happy again and it was all because of you." My hands ran through her hair as I talked to her. I couldn't help but smile a little at how peaceful she looked. I hated to admit it but maybe it was a good thing she died. This world we lived in was true Hell and wherever she went I was sure was a lot better. "I hate being without you, but at least now you're with the Tatum again. Tessa, I promise I will do everything I can to go back home. I know that's what you want. It's what you've always wanted. And if I die, well, I'll just be with you sooner then. Who knows if Heaven is real or not, and if it's as great as everyone talks it up to be. But if it is, then maybe there's a place with woods just like in Seven, where we can build the little house we've always talked about. We can get married and have a family and never be without each other again. Everything we always said we wanted, right?" I said, smiling as I brushed my thumb against her cheek. It was almost like I was expecting her to answer, but I knew better than anyone that she couldn't do that. My smile faded as I stared down at her lifeless body, the reminder that she was gone forever creeping back into my mind.

For a short while I just sat there with my eyes focused on her, but soon enough I heard two beeping noises. A parachute landed at my feet, quickly followed by another one. I sighed, mostly relieved that people were still looking after me. I looked back at Tessa, aware that I would have to leave her at some point. The hovercraft still needed to take her body away and I needed to move on from this spot. A few more tears built up in my eyes as I leaned down to kiss her softly once more. Her lips were still warm, but barely so. "I love you, Tessa. Forever," I added, clenching my jaw as I forced myself to lay her down on the ground. I placed her hands across her chest, giving her one last sad smile before I forced myself up.

Walking on my leg was extremely painful and with each limp, I let out a pained gasp. It took a lot of effort but eventually I managed to grab the parachutes, walking more towards the cornucopia so I could fix myself up. As I reached the cornucopia, my blood started to boil. That bitch had taken almost everything, leaving the rest in shreds and in a mess. I don't think I had ever felt the urge to want to kill someone more than I ever had about her. Then again, I was sure a lot of people felt that way about her. "I'm going to fucking kill her," I murmured, wincing as I sat myself on the ground again.

I opened the first parachute, my mouth slightly hanging open as I read the note. It was from Tessa's dad. Maybe I shouldn't have been as surprised as I would, but still. The last words made me smile a bit. Make her proud. "I will," I said aloud, knowing that he was watching. My leg was throbbing and was weak, but at least the bleeding had stopped. My pants were cut open at the spot where she hit me but it was still hard to see where the wound started and ended, so I just decided to take off my pants entirely. My thigh looked terrible but I tried to ignore that small detail. I took out the needle and thread, looking at it with a frown. Tessa would have been much better at this than I ever would... Still, I had to do what I could. I ripped part of my shirt off so I could wipe away the excess blood. I bit my lip, wincing at the pain. "Here we go," I said to myself once I was done threading the needle. I groaned as I stuck the needle into my skin, the feeling making me want to just rip my whole leg off instead. Eventually I finished sewing it up, the wound looking much better than it had before. I quickly covered it with both bandages, making sure they were on securely with the medical tape. Using the rest of the medical tape, I fixed up my hands from the shurikens. They weren't nearly as bad but I might as well treat them while I could. I slid my pants back on, even if I probably would have been better off without them anyway. All I wanted to do was change into the camo uniform that had been in the cornucopia but of course I couldn't because Delilah shredded it...

Suddenly, I'm woken up by a loud roar.  My eyes fly open as my head whips about to find the source of that noise.  When the roar sounds again, I know that it's fast-approaching from my left and I force myself up with the spear, hoping to get away.  No such luck.  Soon, the source of the noise comes BEAR-eling through and before is a large, 10-foot bear mutt on its BEAR hind legs.  Of course the Gamemakers would send me a mutt for not going to the damn feast.  You know, not everyone had a death wish.

Immediately, the bear swipes forward at me, forcing me to jump backward a bit as I struggle to maintain my footing.  The jump throws too much pressure on my right leg and pain immediately shoots through it.  A pained grunt escapes my lips as I find my ground.  I quickly check my wounds and find the stitching still intact.  However, that PAWS costs me as the bear swipes forward again, claws out and digging across my chest, ripping open the shirt and leaving a set of scars.  I groan and wince in pain as blood trickles down my chest and what remains of my shirt.  Groaning, I look up, getting frustrated at being attacked for not going to a damn feast and I ready my spear and throw it hard at the predator.  He easily swats it away and I growl under my breath at what I can do.

I think quickly and pull out the boot spikes, slipping them on quickly and begin climbing up the closest tree.  The bear swipes at my back and I try to kick his paws away with my boot.  The spikes at the bottom are able to inflict a little pain onto him, enough to distract him momentarily.  However, he quickly recovers and swipes again, his claws cutting across my left leg, this time not as deep as earlier.  I force myself to ignore the pain and I finally reach a branch high enough away from the roaring bear below me.  I pull out my nylon net and tie the pointy sticks at each corner to weigh it down.  Carefully, I aim the net above the bear and drop it over him, trapping him below.  It's not enough to bring the bear down, but it's enough to distract him as I slide carefully back down onto the ground.

I forget the spear and take out my bowie knife and stab it into the thrashing bear's eyes.  Blinding him only angers him as he thrashes even more violently against the net and at me.  Already, his thick claws were tearing apart the net but I needed to do this quickly.  I scurry over to the side of the bear, readying my knife when the bear releases on of his paws, scratching across my left arm.  I groan and grip my knife even tighter to ignore the pain.  Each injury only angers me even more and finally, I thrust the knife into the bear's chest.  A loud roar erupts and I pull hard on the handle, using as much effort as I can manage to slide the knife down the bear's front.  Once I reach past his stomach, I release my knife and the roaring has only increased in volume.  Grabbing my spear once more, I shove it deep into the exposed organs and stab it repeated in, the blood and residue splashing all over me.  Soon, the roaring subsides and the bear falls limp.  With a sigh, I retrieve my items and head south, down to lot 3 until I am next to a body of water.