#apocalypticromantic666

Four months on T!

I'm finally seeing a few changes, and if my blood work comes back how I'm hoping, I'll be upping the dose.

I don't have a lot to say, but I wanted to make this update for future reference so I can look back on it later.

It's July, so it's hotter than the devil's ass crack in Texas. 😂 Last year's July was terrifying. It's when a lot of my health issues came to light. But it was also when my hysterectomy got scheduled for the following September, the catalyst for this change that I'm currently undergoing. I never would have imagined in July 2025 that in July 2026 I would be 9 months sober and living as a guy.

I've also been on T for a little over a month now, and I really like how it makes me feel. Life is good. 💖

I watched a few videos just to be sure I wouldn't screw it up completely.

At first I couldn't decide where I wanted it. I swabbed down my right arm first and then realized doing it left handed would be awkward, and I'd probably fuck it up. So then I swabbed my thigh and chickened out because I was afraid of hitting an artery or vein. So then I finally just jabbed it into my left arm... With my pants still down 😂 I did all of this sitting on the couch with a nosey cat trying to sniff everything I had out and know it had to look ridiculous.

I had stopped counting after a while. I really don't think about painkillers anymore unless I smell rubbing alcohol or something similar at work because I associate that scent with gel fentanyl patches. I used to carefully cut those open and use cotton to soak up the gel and put it in my gum line.

But even when I smell that, I don't feel tempted to use.

I have my medication to thank for keeping me in line. It maintains my dopamine enough to where I don't need opioids anymore. I know now that it wasn't necessarily the drugs I had been craving all these years, but the dopamine they provided which my body couldn't produce enough of.

Finally getting enough of that chemical has given me the confidence I needed to come to terms with my gender identity, too. From age 1 to 11, I was a boy. I played with boys at school and on my street. My Nana dressed me like a girl, though. She bought me girl clothes and styled my hair in curls, which I hated. For several Christmases and birthdays, I got dolls and doll houses as gifts. Toys for girls. I was forced to go to church every Sunday in itchy and uncomfortable pantyhose and dresses. I hated that most of all.

I hated dolls. I hated playing "house". I hated wearing pink, frilly dresses. I wanted to go fishing and play Jurassic Park and Pokemon outside and catch snakes and lizards.

When I hit puberty, I began to develop breasts which I didn't like and was pressured into wearing makeup and trying to pass myself off as a girl when I felt anything but. Wearing makeup and trying to be "pretty" helped me be bullied a little less. But not by much. I was still assaulted badly enough to where my mom and dad had to press charges on a kid.

I developed more. Started my period and that was a fucking nightmare in and of itself. And I did eventually become prettier. But even with an hourglass figure, I still never felt truly at home in my own skin.

And I didn't understand it. I was modeling at 125 pounds with good legs and with the skills I honed with makeup, I could shape my face damn near however I wished. I thought it was just the constant pressure of trying to conform to the perfect image of femininity- which I'd been pressured into. And ultimately, that became harder to maintain when I got a sedentary job where I was practically chained to a desk 10 hours a day, which made me gain weight.

For a long time, I hated my body. A lot. I took to using more drugs than ever to deal with that. I was mixing hydrocodone, Percocet and fentanyl patches. Anything to numb that hatred.

Later, I took a new job. This one required a ton physical labor. I eventually lost some of the weight I had gained. That felt good. I started building muscle, too. All the lifting widened my shoulders considerably- so much that I had to start buying larger sizes of clothes. I started to like how I looked.

And after I had my hysterectomy, I felt fucking amazing. Like I regained something I had lost years ago. For the first time since I was 12 years old, I wasn't in pain all the time. I wasn't being constantly reminded that I'm a woman every month by having to throw away ruined underwear. I could be intimate with my partner again without having to lie on a heat pad afterwards (sex was painful afterwards because endometriosis and adenomyosis is a bitch).

I felt more right in my body. Not perfect, but much better. I felt like I did before puberty. Buying a binder to flatten my chest put everything in perspective.

I am a boy.

I was always a boy, but for most of my life, I was forced into cosplaying as something I wasn't. Don't get me wrong, cosplaying is fun sometimes - I still like dressing up as Jessica Rabbit on Halloween.

But I never really fit into the box I was pushed into. And now I know why I gravitated towards androgynous figures like Marilyn Manson and Wednesday 13 when I was a teenager. It's because I felt like a man who has been dressing up as a woman. I saw myself in those stage personas, because it felt like I, too, was putting on a stage performance.

If I reblog any Kuro content, it's because it was already in my que. It doesn't mean I came back.

It was fun while it lasted. I wish you all nothing but the best.

I didn't sleep worth a damn these past two days. That shit is strong. Like "I can sense the milk in the fridge is about to go bad" strong. 😂 But I can feel it boosting my mood already.

Today will be the third day in a row which I've taken only a half of a hydrocodone. I've dropped the quarter of a half, so hopefully by August I'll be fully clean. 🤞

Yesterday morning, I woke up to find a message on my phone from my old fentanyl/meth dealer, offering to sell me a fresh, unopened 100 mcg fentanyl patch.

And yesterday was the first time in my life that I said "no, thanks."

A year ago, I would have scrambled to unload anything I had worth a dime in order to scrimp up any asking price that drug had slapped on it.

But that's not me anymore.

I'm especially proud of myself. This felt like an eerily well-timed test. I failed the last one when she offered to sell me used ones. But it was a knee-jerk reaction, asking "How much?". That last time was also close to when my Nana had passed, and I was willing to do anything to numb the pain of that loss.

And the fact that I immediately regretted buying them also helped me realize that I really don't want to do this anymore. I still have an old one hidden away from myself, and I'm going to have Mike throw it out later.

I'm excited. My money is mine again. I won't have to budget to support that habit anymore. I won't have to worry about transporting pills and losing everything if I get caught. I won't have to worry about getting hurt at work and failing any drug test they might administer.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AO3/comments/1k6a3t6/ao3_has_been_scraped_again_for_genai_purposes/?share_id=y-komduszhld0rNGuM2mn&utm_content=2&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_source=share&utm_term=1

For those of you who read my Kuroshitsuji fics, if you don't have an AO3 account, you sadly won't be able to view them anymore. But an AO3 account is free, just sign up and activate your invitation when you receive it.