#apiary dynamics

“I really don’t feel like that’s the issue here, honey,” Lois says. “I very much do not feel like that’s the issue here, in fact.” 

“But he doesn’t like me!” Clark says helplessly, and barely keeps himself from buzzing about it again. Or–vibrating, technically. Technically it’s vibrating, he guesses. 

He doesn’t know, it just feels like buzzing. 

Well–he thinks it does. 

Going in Dry

SVSSS: In a universe where Maigu Ridge doesn’t happen and Bingmei gets his fondest wish of being topped and deflowered by his shizun, neither of these two virgin idiots know that lube is an important part of anal sex. SY’s only knowledge of papapa comes from skimming the sex scenes in PIDW, and LBH went into the abyss before getting any sex ed. On the bright side, their first times will quite literally be the worst sex of their lives so they can only have better sex from here on out. Good thing LBH is half heavenly demon and can heal himself nigh instantaneously.

Aroused by the Smell of Rubber Cement

Sterilization Ritual

Apiary DP: Danny contracts Bee Gender™ while exploring space and as a form of gender affirmation, has his uterus removed. He doesn’t realize that his gender has changed to Ivanhoe until he’s infected Sam and Tucker because he’s already got a protection obsession and thought the sudden burning desire to yeet the ute was just because he’s trans. It’s only when Sam starts exhibiting Quixote attributes and points out that Danny seems uninterested in leaving Amity Park that they start to put things together.

Trope reversal: Divorce of convenience

DP: In order to qualify for state medical insurance and get her chronic condition (which is caused by/exacerbated by the ghost suit) treated, Danny and Val get a divorce. Danny wanted to just go shake down Vlad, but Val wants nothing to do with him. Sam would help, but she’s estranged from her parents.

So Bruce is DEFINITELY a Queen in Clark's bee-brain, yes, Bruce is the QUEENEST of queens. Probably in Clark's brain he is the JL's or Gotham's queen. LOIS, however, he probably thinks of in the role of either an Arcadia or an Ivanhoe, because he thinks of her as an investigator--i.e., a hunter/gatherer of necessary resources ( a.k.a. information ) for the community that is Metropolis, so that Metropolis is operating with all the relevant information as often as possible--OR as someone who is defending Metropolis by exposing the truth of things, and therefore a warrior/worker who is part of the mechanisms of keeping corruption and crime at bay. Maaaaaybe he could parse her as a Kloka because investigation to article COULD be seen as a "resource management" thing, but I feel like Arcadia or Ivanhoe are likelier.

Not that Clark KNOWS any of these words, but yeah. Like, those are just the things he is feeling on an instinctive level, basically.

I kinda think Clark parses his "hive" as being Metropolis, and therefore himself and Lois and Jon as members of that specific hive. Smallville is the hive he came from originally and is still very attached to and cares about but couldn't have been what he's SUPPOSED to be in, and Gotham is a hive of its own.

Just while he does not consider himself or Lois as Metropolis's queen, he DEFINITELY considers BRUCE as Gotham's.

. . . come to think, probably part of Clark thinks of LEX as being Metropolis's queen and he is SO TETCHY about how BAD he thinks Lex is at it, and that is probably a not-insignificant part of why they both get under each other's skin so much, hahahaha.

Lex: how DARE people think Superman is more important to Metropolis/the world/humanity than ME, I am SO much more important than Superman, he is an INTERLOPER here ANYWAY. Clark: YOU ARE LITERALLY IN CHARGE OF THIS WHOLE DAMN PLACE, OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU SO INSECURE ABOUT IT, I'M JUST HERE TO HELP OUT. you know what, I am not even gonna GIVE you a baby, you don't DESERVE a baby from me!! you can have a baby when you get OVER yourself, MAYBE. Lois, taking more notes in red pen: uh-huh, honey. wanna expand on that thought process, maybe? Clark: /TEN-HOUR RANT/ Lois: . . . I think I'm gonna need a bigger notepad.

But yeah, Clark both considers Metropolis one giant hive and therefore a place with MANY smaller groups/factions/sectors having kids for the hive to thrive via, and he is also really, REALLY a Wife Guy for whom "acts of service" are SO very much his love language, so Lois is not a queen in his brain but he very much DID still want to get her a baby, haha. The reason he's so extra about getting specifically BRUCE a baby is that it's been, like, a decade-plus of Bruce repeatedly getting babies from OTHER PEOPLE and not asking HIM for any, but Lois married him and was in the process at least TALKING to him about the possibility of them having kids someday and therefore letting off some of his weird-about-it steam, because in his mind she was asking him FOR a kid and telling him what kind of kid she'd like. And then they had Jon, and she LOVES Jon, so Clark's all good there; Clark's the BEST . . . thing-he-doesn't-know there is!! THE BEST. HE LOVES HIS WIFE SO MUCH YOU GUYS, SHE'S SO GOOD AT COMMUNICATING WHAT SHE WANTS IN A BABY.

Meanwhile, BRUCE'S communication skills . . .

“. . . it occurs to me, Clark, that I never asked how and why you heard those things when they happened,” Lois says. “Like, what specifically about them caught your ear, that is, out of literally every other sound on the planet.” 

“Because I was listening for a good kid for Bruce already,” Clark replies reasonably, because obviously he was doing that. “And I always listen to all his kids’ heartbeats. And also anyone talking about kids and him in the same sentence, just in case they ever say something about one he might want. You know.” 

“. . . . . . I did not, actually, but it does explain some things,” Lois says. “Several things, in fact. How long have you wanted to, uh . . . give Bruce a baby, exactly?” 

Clark stops in his tracks, his head whipping up as a light goes off in his head, and he realizes–“A baby. He’s never had an actual baby, maybe I could find him a–” 

“No,” Clark replies glumly, wilting a little, because Bruce never asks. “He could’ve asked me, but he won’t ask me, because he hates me and he thinks I’m a bad–a bad–thing, I don’t–he thinks I’m bad and he thinks I’d get him bad kids, Lois! Why does he think I’d get him bad kids, he’s seen Jon, Jon’s a great kid, he knows I got you a great kid, so why doesn’t he think I could get him a great kid just the same?!” 

“Again, unless there are some very personal things I don’t know about Bruce, there are some foundational flaws in that plan, Smallville,” Lois says. “Also, you’re vibrating again.” 

“It helps!” Clark says defensively, and then feels like an idiot and a terrible–terrible something, again, and . . . “Sorry. Sorrry, I just . . . I don’t know why he doesn’t like me. I thought he liked me.” 

I imagine this is extremely unlikely to actually occur any time soon. but I realized it was possible.

I need to be SO clear here, friend: in that specific fic, the bees are not Kryptonian whatsoever, hahaha.

Clark: /having an anxiety attack over Bruce acquiring [ INSERT CHILD HERE ] and vibrating to the point of BUZZING in a self-soothing behavior/

everyone in Metropolis and the full roster of the Justice League: okay so this is an alien thing, clearly. well Kryptonians gotta be weird in SOME ways that aren't just god-level superpowers, so sure, why not, this might as well happen.

“Right,” Lois repeats, frowning speculatively. “What about when you take Jon over to visit or Kara by the Batcave?” 

“Oh, that makes it worse,” Clark says, shaking his head, and then feels a lot more bothered. “I have to take them back after, because he doesn’t want to keep them.” 

“Kara is twenty-three, Clark,” Lois reminds him just a little dryly. 

“Dick’s twenty-three,” Clark grumbles, folding his arms. “He keeps Dick.” 

“I’d get him pregnant if I could,” Clark mutters, back to pacing across the living room. “Except he wouldn’t take the time off to have a baby anyway, he wouldn’t want to be out of commission that long and have to get back in condition after, I’d have to be the pregnant one, except I can’t even get pregnant, so what am I supposed to do?! He let Talia get him a kid! Talia!”