#antisadism

(anti as in antihero, not as in antiship)

One of the reasons conventional kink isn't a safe environment for me is that my brain doesn't do well with sadism. Like I said in my definition post, I don't like being mean and I don't like when people are mean to me. For someone who does like including some elements of discomfort and challenge in my meandering, it's difficult to thread the needle.

This is one of those things that my partner and I have in common, that we never knew we had in common because until now I never had a way to talk about it.

We first made the connection after watching Project Hail Mary and realizing that the scene where Grace is put in a coma and sent into space hits a very specific button for both of us — the idea of someone being put through an inherently scary, painful, and uncomfortable situation by a person who is not even pretending they want to hurt them.

When I talked to my partner @endlessartificer about this, he mentioned having a fixation on the idea of resetting broken bones — it's never a painless experience, but you would hope the person doing it won't cause you too much unnecessary pain in the process. A lot of medical kink is like this, actually, and I've warmed to it for this reason even though it's not my main thing. (My main thing is turning the concept of power exchange upside down and shaking it to see what comes out of its pockets.) The element of discomfort comes from the situation itself, not the person who's present with you as you move through it. (Incidentally, @sigynpenniman if you have medical kink specific commentary to add to this post, I'd love to hear it, as it's not really my area.)

This can be a very non-hierarchical way to play with pain and discomfort. Conventional sadomasochism, as the name implies, requires a sadist and a masochist — a doer and a done-to. Antisadist play, even if it does involve one party taking a more active role relative to another, positions both parties as co-experiencers. It centers the intimacy of going through a difficult or painful experience together and the trust that comes from knowing the experience will not be made worse than it needs to be.