#anthony's things

     James  

This was ridiculous. I could count on one hand the amount of times I was able to get it up twice in less than an hour, and most of them were when I was still in high school. Yet, here I was, under the hot spray of the water and cautious groping of Aleks, I could feel my cock giving a valiant attempt. A quick peek revealed he was already half hard again, and I swallowed his moan as I pushed him against the shower tiles.

Aleks was pliant beneath my hands. He jerked in surprise as my fingers scraped across his nipples and I watched as his mouth fell open as I repeated the motion. I left marks across his neck as I worked and felt my cock give another twitch as he let out faint whimpers that were nearly drowned out by the sound of the shower. I spared a glance, meeting his darkened eyes and kiss-swollen lips. Fuck, that was hot, and I was starting to harden again. I jerked my hips against his in approval, gaining a louder moan from the Russian.

"Aleks," I murmured. "Gonna suck your dick, okay?"

I heard Aleks' head hit the tiles as he let out a low moan and bucked his hips against mine. I took that as a yes, falling to my knees and placing a kiss to his stomach right above where the head of dick rested. I could feel his eyes on me, waiting.

     Aleks  

I've had a lot of blowjobs before James. Warm, small mouths of girls I picked up in bars and clubs, back in high school, even a couple from my old job. Nothing compared to the hot mouth of James'. It was obvious he'd had some practice, especially the way he would focus on the head in a way that had my head spinning and my hands clutching his hair as I struggled not to blow my load too quickly.

"Fuck, James," I hissed, feeling his teeth lightly scraping across the staff, just the lightest of pressure. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

I felt his eyes on me, watching as I jerked my hips forward and panted for breath. I reached out to turn the shower off, feeling the cascading water turning cold. James didn't comment, and I supposed that could have been because his mouth was otherwise occupied. His hand was against the base of my cock, stroking what wasn't in his mouth. The sensations coursing through my body was sending me upward and I felt my balls tightening as my orgasm crept up on me.

"James, I-," I stopped to whine as he dropped his hand. "C-close, don't, ah, stop."

I could feel the bastard grinning against my cock, his hands resting on my hips now. He twirled and swirled his tongue, sucked on just the head, drug his tongue across the entirety, fuck, he was driving me insane. I opened my mouth, to say something, beg for something, do something--

Oh. Oh, god. He was moving his head forward, taking my entire cock into his mouth, until his nose was nestled in my pubic hair. It shouldn't be surprising that he could deepthroat, but, fuck my toes were curling and I was struggling to stay on my feet as his warm mouth took the whole thing, and then he was swallowing and there was someone screaming and that person may or may not have been me, but I didn't care because I was cumming and cumming the hardest I had ever.

In the haze of aftershocks, I could hear a hum of James speaking, but I couldn't understand. I heard him chuckle, and I couldn't help but lean in, kissing his lips and tasting myself on him. He cursed in surprise, pinning me to the now cool tiles.

"Aleks, we're going to get sick, c'mon," his voice was low, his eyes still dark with lust. "We can continue this in a nice, warm bed, sound good?"

At my irritated glower, he laughed, tossing a towel at me.

     James  

I wasn't expecting Aleks to return the favor. It would be his first blowjob, and I wasn't going to rush him if he wasn't interested. I was content with letting my erection wilt as I spooned him, watching his usually tense body relax as he fell asleep.

We barely made it to the bedroom before Aleks was on his knees, and fuck that was a sight in on itself. It was sloppy and noisy, but he was so fucking eager. He listened to my desperate murmurs, learning how to suck my cock better than half of the other people I had been with.

"A-Aleks," I would later refuse to acknowledge that I stuttered, "Gonna cum, now is the chance to, mmm, pull away."

I felt him moan against my cock and try to take me deeper, fuck, he was perfect. I gripped his hair, barely able to still my hips and not choke him as I came down his throat. I spared a glance downward, groaning in approval as I saw cum leaking from the corner of his lips as he struggled to swallow it all.

"You do realize we're going to have to shower again, right?" he joked, wiping his face.

I couldn't help but laugh, pulling him towards the bed and covering us both with the blanket. Even though the sun was barely set, we fell asleep within minutes.

     Aleks  

I awoke sometime later, when the room was dark. I could feel James' hand combing through my hair, a soft rumbling hum coming from his naked body that was pressed close to mine. He was warm, and oddly enough, safe. I let out a happy sigh, drifting back to sleep easily enough as he softly murmured in my ear.

     James  

A part of me expected Aleks to pull away when he woke up, to grab his clothes and leave the room with a half-assed apology. I stilled as his eyes opened, my hand still resting in his hair. He didn't move away, instead he shifted closer and let out a soft sigh. My breath hitched, not in arousal, but in surprise and happiness.

Aleks was already on his way back to sleep as I continued to play with his hair. I stayed awake awhile longer, watching the clock tick on the nightstand. Finally, I let myself relax, realizing Aleks wasn't going to leave in the middle of the night. I closed my eyes, letting sleep take me as well. I couldn't help but murmur a soft sentence as I drifted off.

Aleks

The first time he asked, I stilled. I almost said no, turned away and walked out the door. I could tell he sensed my hesitation and I saw him open his mouth to take it back, to apologize for misunderstanding. I couldn’t let that happen.

My lips were on his in an instance. He grunted in surprise, before his hands found my hips and pulled me closer as he gave into the kiss. We were in a state of limbo, never going further, but never parting. His lips felt good against mine, so perfect, so right. I groaned in disapproval as he finally pulled away with a laugh.

“I would rather not suffocate while kissing you, Aleks,” he teased.

“Yeah,” I grinned. “That would definitely kill the mood.”

“Mhm, not romantic at all.”

At that, we both laughed, long and hard. We kissed again, hands traveling and groping while we parted our lips. We could feel the room growing heavy, among other things, before we finally pulled away.

God, he was so attractive. His lips were bright red and swollen, dark cheeks flushed, eyes dark. I felt my cock twitch and I coughed awkwardly, trying to advert my eyes as he took notice.

“Not until you are ready,” he murmured, gently pulling me into his arms.

He made no move to go any further, just holding me close to him. I felt myself relaxing, sighing in his grasp as I laid my head upon his chest, my erection fading while he murmured in my ear.

James

Aleks was surprising in every way. There were times he shied away, I expected that, but the other times. He absolutely blew me away.

For one thing, he was a sucker for romantic things. Giving him gifts would make him blush bright red and earn me a kiss, watching a corny love movie gained me his hand in mine and lingering smiles and glances, and good morning and good night kisses were always accepted. Of course, I wouldn’t mention this to him, in fear he would pull away. And I didn’t know how I’d feel about getting so far only to have him leave my side.                                 

Aleks

No matter what James claimed, I did not pout when he finally went back to work. I definitely didn’t frown, tell him I would miss him, and wait at home for the hours to tick away and see him again.

I groaned as I died in my videogame yet again. My mind was elsewhere, at his second job. I wondered if he was taking it easy and not aggravating his back. I snorted at that thought, knowing full well that he probably wasn’t. I glanced at the clock, definitely not counting three hours and thirty-four minutes until he would get home.

I sighed in frustration and turned off the game.

James

It was four months into the relationship before we went any further. I was waiting for the go ahead, waiting for him to pull me back into the kiss, to give me some sort of sign.

”James, I swear to god if you stop right now, I will fucking punch you in the dick.”

Well, I do suppose the signs couldn’t get any clearer than that.

With a growl, I pushed myself against him, deepening the kiss until I could hear Aleks let out a whimper. I could feel his half hard cock against my thigh, and I was sure he could feel mine against his stomach.

I pulled him down on the couch with me, basically on my lap. We both groaned in unison as our cocks lined up, even separated by our pants. Not for long, I promised myself as I trailed kisses down Aleks’ neck.

Aleks moaned, fucking moaned, as I left hickies on his neck, right at the collar of his shirt. I cursed softly against his neck, grinding up against him as I marked him for all the world to see.

”Fuck, Aleks,” I groaned. “Can I touch you?”

He nodded his head, arching his neck to give me more room to plant more marks upon his pale neck. I made quick work of his pants, pushing his cock through the hole in boxers and growling in approval as I felt how hot it was to the touch.

I don’t think I had ever been so aroused in my damn life.

Aleks

I never knew how much I enjoyed dirty talk before James whispered in my ear. My cock was in his hand, his thumb swiping over the top, making a shiver run down my spine.

”Do you see this Aleks?” his voice was husky. “Your cock fits so perfect in my hand. Like it was made for me to get you off. You’d like that, right? Stroke you until you cum all over me?”

I certainly did not moan, even if James’ grin applied that I had. He began moving his head, and I let my head drop against his shoulder, listening to his labored breathing as he kept a slow, damning pace.

”J-James,” I begged.

“Tell me what you want,” he urged, his cock bucking against my thigh.

”Fuck,” I cursed, hips bucking into his hand. “Faster, please.”

He groaned and nodded, moving his hand quicker as my head leaked precum. I could feel it surging deep within me, ready to come to a head already. It was embarrassingly quick, but so fucking good.

I could feel his cock rubbing rhythmically against my thigh, and that alone was enough to make me let out a noise. I whined as James’ pace faltered and he finally cursed, pulling his hand away and ignoring my whine of protest.

”James, why did you--,” I cursed as I saw him undoing his belt. “Oh.”

He pulled himself out, giving him one stroke before grasping both of our cocks in his hands. He was definitely bigger than I was, thicker, with a dark head. It was the hottest thing I had ever seen. I let out a very loud (and unmanly) moan as he began stroking our cocks together.

”Not gonna last long,” he murmured into my ear, giving it a playful nip. “You look so fucking good like this, Aleks.”

I was so close, my toes curling, hips bucking, mouth hanging open. He continued to speak, his voice growing deeper and airy as I felt his member throb against my own.

“Cum for me.”

And who was I to say no? I cried out as came, thick ropes of cum across James’ shirt and hands. He cursed, rubbing me through it as he hurried to get himself off.

He was almost there, I could tell. I could see it in the clenching off his job, the shaking of his hand. He was watching my face with every stroke, a deep, throaty hum coming from him.

I reached down and pulled his hand away, replacing it with my own as I took up his furious rhythm. He groaned in approval, head laying back against the couch as his hips followed my every stroke upward.

”Fuck, Aleks, yeah,” his voice was full of urgency. “I’m gonna cum. Gonna cum so hard, all over you.”

With a groan, he was true to his word, his hips breaking the rhythm of my hand as he came. I slowed my strokes to a stop, working him through his orgasm.

James

Aleks lips were on mine in an instant, ignoring our cum covered hands and clothes as he stole away my breath. I indulged him, hands on his hips as he slipped his tongue into my mouth and had his way with me.

He pulled away too soon, panting for breath as he gave me a cheeky grin. I laughed, giving him one in turn as he stood up from me and glanced down at the mess  we had made.

”James,” his voice was thoughtful and I could feel my heart drop.

There was no way he was going to end it now was he? Did he not like it? I had thought he did with how hard he ca--

”I think we should shower.”

”Excuse me?” I asked, dumbly.

”I’m going to shower,” he stated with a roll of his eyes. “You need one too. And in an effort to save water, you could join me.”

I opened my mouth to speak, couldn’t find the right words to say. I settled for a long laugh, probably too loud for an apartment complex, but I didn’t care. I stood up, stealing a quick kiss from him before darting for the bathroom.

James

Everything was blurred while my mind reeled. I could hear fragments of sentences, but couldn’t make out individual voices or make any sense of them. Exhaustion, exertion, blood pressure, spinal nerves, stress, a broken sob.

I let out a soft groan, and instantly there were hands all over me. I recalled being poked and prodded, felt something like ice flood my veins and everything was falling far away.

I fought the urge to fall back into the darkness and opened my mouth to speak. I could hear myself slurring as the edges of my vision grew dark, and I could see a pale blur grab my hand, but it felt distant. With one last try, I tried a small sentence and hoped for the best.

“Aleks...Not your fault.”

Aleks

It was decided in that very moment that if James lived, which the doctors kept reassuring me that he would, that I would kill him. I would throttle him, stab him, hit him repeatedly, throw shit at him, anything to inflict bodily harm upon his ass.

What right did he have to wake up for the first time in three fucking days and the only thing he manages to say is something he knows is wrong. Not my fault? Well, tell that to the doctors who wondered how James managed to keep going with his poor eating and sleep habits caused by stress? And while you are at it, tell him what, I guess I really should say whom, is causing him that stress.

It all falls back to me. Who has been sitting by James’ bedside since he first arrived. Who has probably downed at least seven cups of coffee within the last four hours because who can sleep when your boyfriend is in a fucking com--

Wait, did I just call him my boyfriend?

My cheeks flushed as I glanced at James’ sleeping face, making sure that he couldn’t hear my thoughts. I cursed at my stupidity and slipped deeper within my mind. I recalled being packed into the ambulance with James, sobbing onto the phone waiting for them to come, telling the operator my boyfriend collaps--

I swore again and stood up, ruffling my greasy hair. I reminded myself to take a shower and clean up, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave James’ side, not until he woke up, not until he was okay, not before I could strangle him, not before I can beg him to never scare me like this again, not before I kissed him.

This time, I didn’t bother to swear.

James

It was too bright. There was a light above my head, bearing into my eyes the moment that I opened them. I let out a soft groan, not wanting the onslaught of hands to appear again and drag me under.

My vision cleared and I glanced around, recognizing the machines of the hospital and sighing as I thought about the bills that were too come. I couldn’t imagine asking Aleks to raise his rent, it just wasn’t fair to him.

Aleks! I went to sit up, stopped by a weight on my stomach. Confused, I glanced down, a smile gracing my lips as I saw Aleks asleep, head resting against my stomach, hand over my heart. He was probably listening to my heartbeat, convincing himself that I was alright. God, I never wanted to worry him.

I reached down, gently brushing his hair away from his sleeping face. I sighed softly, noticing splotchy cheeks, probably from crying, and deep bags beneath his eyes. I kept my touch gentle, wanting to keep him sleeping for as long as possible.

A few nurses trickled in, and giggled at my circumstance. I begged them to stay quiet, pointed to his dark circles. They nodded, drawing some of my blood as I used my other hair to massage Aleks’ scalp. He let out a soft sigh, and I stopped, but he just relaxed further, lips curving into a tiny smile.

I tried to glare at the nurses who were shooting me knowing looks, but with the way my heart was pounding with Aleks’ closeness, I could only manage a cheeky grin. They were quick to leave, to shut off the nearly blinding light, and shut the door behind them when they were done.

“James,” I heard not even an hour later.

I opened an eye, glancing down to see Aleks’ furrowed brow, his hand on my chest curling into a fist. I cooed at him, realizing belatedly that if Aleks knew I did that he would probably strangle me. His fist relaxed, but his brow remained unmoving.

“Aleks,” I murmured, combing his hair again. “Aleks, I’m okay.”

“Promise?” he slurred.

I gave him a sad smile. “Promise.”

My only reply was a snore.

Aleks

He was awake when I opened my eyes again. I didn’t recall falling asleep with my head on his stomach, but he didn’t seem to mind. I stifled my urge to smack him senseless, and settled for a relieved sigh.

“I was afraid you’d never wake up.”

“I’m fine, Aleks.”

“Fine?” I cursed. “James, fine? You were basically in a coma for four days. I had to call your mom and explain why she didn’t receive your weekly e-mail or whatever. I had to explain to her that this was my fault.”

“But it isn’t your fau--”

“But isn’t it? You were super stressed, combined with the nerve damage in your spinal cord, medications, and your awful eating habits, you were out for four fucking days. And I know it was me being a dick that caused the stress.”

“You think pretty highly of yourself, don’t you?”

I paused, even at the light tone of his voice that was saying he was joking. He was right, no matter if it was a joke. This whole time I should have been thinking of him, making sure he was comfortable, and instead I was thinking of how it was my fault, how it made me feel, how the doctors thought of me, how his mother thought of me.

“I’m sorry,” I managed to croak, pulling away from him.

“Aleks, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean--”

“No, you’re right. I was thinking of me. I’m sorry.”

“Aleks--”

“No. Let me talk, okay?” my voice was gentle, far different from the time at the cafe. “I’m sorry. I’ve been a dick. I’ve pushed you away, I’ve pulled you close, I’ve basically been treating you like trash. I can’t express how sorry I am. But seeing you here? Unconscious because of stress? Not only did it make me realize that I was being a total dickbag, but it made me think that I never want to see you this way again.

The last couple months with you, have been great. I’ve never laughed this much, smiled this much, or anything of the sort. I thought I was okay, that I was happy, but I didn’t notice how poorly my life was until I met you. So, I guess what I’m trying to say, is that you are the best thing in this life that has ever happened to me, even if we do have some really shit days. And I really want to be your boyfriend.”

I held my breath for his reply. Would he snort and make a joke and try to wave it off? Was he completely over me? Would he curse at me? Kick me out of  the room?

My only reply was a firm hand on the back of my head and warm lips pressed against my own.

James

I hardly noticed it before, but now, it was everywhere I turned. I didn’t know if Aleks realized it, and I wasn’t about to call it out in fear of him slipping away yet again. After the incident at the cafe, we went back as if none of this shit had happened. Or at least the beginning was like that.

It started off small. When I would clasp him on the back, I saw his eyes light up, you know, things that happen when you are happy with a friend. Right? I didn’t want to get my hopes up, I didn’t know if I could be turned down yet again. Yet as the days progressed it, events happened like this more often. Our hands would linger on each other’s while passing the cereal box, our thighs touched because we sat close together on the sofa, our eyes would meet when we were supposed to be paying attention to something else. It was all normal, right? Friends sit that close, friends smile at each other, friends think about the other moaning as he pounded them into the mattre-- Fuck.

I needed to stop thinking about this. I mean, it wasn’t like Aleks thought of me that way.

Aleks

Every time I glanced into James’ dark eyes, all I could imagine is what they would look like clouded in lust. What would those eyes look like when I sucked him off? What would they look like while he was pounding away inside of me?

I cursed again, rubbing myself through my pants in the safety of my bedroom. I didn’t know where James and I stood or didn’t stand. I never answered, never told him I thought of him as more than a friend, and especially didn’t tell him how many times I thought of having sex with him. It was possible that he had resigned himself and let go of his feelings.

My heart ached at that thought. I knew it wasn’t fair, I couldn’t expect him to wait around forever, but the thought of him letting go of his feelings so quickly just hurt. I pictured him with another man or woman, smiling the way he smiled at me, kissing them the way I dreamed he would kiss me.

My erection waned with my depressing thoughts, and I snorted at the realization. Only someone like James could possibly give me an erection and take it away within mere moments. As I walked out of my room and saw him fast asleep on the sofa, with his eyebrows cinched together in pain that I assumed was from his back, I knew that I was screwed.

James

In one way, I was happy to get my mind off of my lack of a stable relationship with Aleks, but in the other way, I was delirious with pain. The spasms traveled up the nerves of my spine and basically lit my spine aflame. I tried laying on my stomach, a heating pad across it, but with no luck. I didn’t know when I finally fell asleep, but I knew I was glad for it.

The dream was simple enough. It was one I had many times prior. Aleks and I went to a movie. We held hands while we feasted on popcorn and shared a drink. I never paid attention to the movie, but paid attention the emotions slipping onto and from the Russian’s face while he watched the movie intently.

At the end of the film, he would glance over and notice me staring. His smile made my heart speed up and all I could stare at were his lips. We would lean in, ignoring the credits rolling across the screen as our lips finally met.

I noticed it was different right away. Usually in this dream, when our lips met I would taste the popcorn on his breath, and his lips were chapped. I couldn’t quite place the taste this time, and his lips were surprisingly soft. I leaned further into it as the pain began to make its way up my spine again, and I heard Aleks gasp. Wait, he gasped? But his lips didn’t move-- oh no.

My eyes snapped open and the pain seared up my back with vengeance as I sat straight up. I groaned, squeezing them shut as agony rolled through me. When I could finally open them, I saw Aleks sitting beside me. His cheeks were bright red and he wasn’t meeting my eyes.

“Shit,” I cursed, gritting out the words through my pain. “I’m sorry, Aleks. I didn’t mean to. I was dreaming, you know how that shit goes.”

Aleks tensed before shooting me a glare. He stood up, ignoring my hiss of pain from the movement, and stomped into his room. I cursed again as his door slammed shut.

Only then did I notice my head was pounding, and my vision was spinning.

Aleks

“I didn’t mean to,” I mocked to myself as I curled up onto my bed. “All I did was kiss you. It’s not like I meant it or anything. Fuck him, seriously, fuck him.”

I was furious with James, basically seething with anger. I was nice enough to dab his cheeks with a wet cloth because I knew he was in pain and he kisses me, and not only that, but he apologizes. For kissing me. Did he really dislike me that much?

I ignored his soft pleas of my name from the living room. I wasn’t in the mood for another damned apology from those cursed lips. Those cursed lips that just kissed me and felt so damn good. Fuck him. But ,fuck, do I wish I could.

I was drifting off to sleep when I heard it. One more cry of my name, his voice croaky and weak. He must have been giving up, I figured. It was his last try before he tried to sleep his pain off again. I wouldn’t give him the luxury. I huffed to myself, pulling my covers over my head and enjoying the quiet darkness that surrounded me. My eyes slid shut and I let out a sigh.

I heard a large thump and my eyes slid open. Now what was that idiot doing? Did he kick over the coffee table to get my attention? What a fucking asshole. The huff that came from my lips was bigger than last time. I got up, throwing off my covers and stomping to the door.

“Listen here, fuckface--” I trailed off as I noticed he was no longer on the couch.

My eyes shifted lower, and thats when I saw him. James was sprawled out across the floor, unconscious with a flushed face and drenched in sweat. There was no way he could have faked that.

“No, no, no,” the word came out as a chant as I rushed to him. “James, wake up. James, I’m sorry. I’m not angry, no, no, no, wake up please, oh god, oh god.”

His breathing was labored and his eyelids twitched in his unconscious state. I laid his head on my legs, grabbing for my phone and dialing 9-1-1 as quickly as I could with my shaking hands.

“Please be okay, please be okay, you’ve got to be okay.”

I didn’t know when I began to cry, but I just knew I couldn’t stop. The operator spoke in a soothing tone, asking for my name and what had happened.

“Please help,” I sobbed. “My boyfriend, he’s unconscious. I don’t know what happened. Oh, fuck, please help him.”

James groaned in my arms, his eyelids clenching shut in his sleep, even pained while he rested. I held him closer, stroking his curly hair as I listened to his staggered breathing.

“James, wake the fuck up. If you die on me, I’ll fucking kill you. You can’t die, not before I tell you, asshole,” I couldn’t even recognize my broken voice. “Wake up! I still have to tell you how much I fucking love you. Please.”

I heard the EMT’s bust open the door, chattering as they pulled James out of my arms and rattle me by my arms to tell them what had happened. But I didn’t know, how could I tell them if I didn’t know? James was asking for help, he was calling for me, and I was an asshole who ignored him. Now he could die, because I didn’t swallow my pride and go to him. I heard them mumble about shock, barely noticed the hand they waved in front of my face. But the moment they began to take James away, I jerked alive, screaming and pleading them to save him, to do whatever it takes. Their eyes softened knowingly, and they lead me out with them, allowing me to climb into the ambulance with them as they hooked James up to IV’s and monitors. I barely heard the sirens atop our heads.

Aleks

My heart was beating rapidly. I could feel the cold sweat building up and I was waiting for it all to hit, to tempt me to flee.

“Thanks for waiting, sweetheart. I’m sure you don’t want to be overheard, how about we go to the cafe across the street? There is never anyone there, especially this time of night.”

“Um, okay. That works.”

I felt my legs shaking as we walked. Jordan was wearing normal clothes, a T-shirt and jeans with a bright red hat. My heart thudded in my chest, and I tried to relax as we walked. I hoped I wouldn’t regret this.

James

It was a fluke. I couldn’t sleep, so I decided to go for a walk. The cafe was the only thing still lit up at this time of night, and it seemed to call on me. I figured a nice cup of tea would help me sleep anyway,

The bell jingled above my head and I heard soft chatter to my left. I joked to myself, wondering who in their right mind would come to a cafe at three in the morning. Oh right-- me.

The voices were hushed and I couldn’t help but glance at the secretive pair. I wish I hadn’t. My vision nearly blurred in anger as I saw Aleks talking to another man. I tried to calm myself, it was possibly just another friend. From work, maybe-- did he just blush? Why was the other asshole he was sitting with gloating?

It was almost slow motion when Aleks and I glanced at each other. He stilled before his eyes widened almost comically. He stood up, nearly knocking his cup of coffee down the front of him.

“James?” he gasped. “What are you doing here?”

“I could really ask you the same damn thing.”

“This isn’t--”

“‘What it looks like? Because right now it looks like you’ve been giving me the silent treatment while you play with your boy toy.”

“James--”

“You know what? Just forget it. I get it, you don’t like me that way. I just wish you would have told me instead of me finding out this way.”

“Goddammit, will you just listen to me?”

I froze. Aleks may get irritated, frustrated even, but never had I heard him get this angry at someone. He was practically seething.

“You big stupid oaf,” Aleks hissed.

“Excuse m--?”

“No. Shut up. For once in your fucking life, shut the fuck up.”

At my silence, he continued.

“Jordan here is a friend. A friend that I just met today. A friend I have no feelings for. No offense,” the man, Jordan, waved his hand dismissively. “He decided to give me some much needed advice...on things...But there isn’t anything going on. I promise. And if you weren’t such an ass, maybe you’d see that.”

I broke my silence. “Then why were you blushing?”

The man turned around and gave me a cheesy grin. He was wearing a bright red cap that accented his bright eyes, I could understand why Aleks was drawn to him.

“He was blushing because I was giving him the talk.”

“Uh...’the talk.’“

“The good ole birds and the bees. Or in this case, birds and birds.”

“Uh--”

“Jordan, please,” Aleks begged, cheeks bright red.

“I really don’t need to h--”

“Oh, no. You apparently decided you are so important that you need to know everything that goes on in his life. So you obviously need to hear.”

I bit my lip and willed myself to be swallowed into a black hole. I felt awful; I was being a dick and we all knew it.

“I’m sorry,” my voice sounded small.

Jordan chuckled, standing up and walking towards me and placing a hand on my shoulder, his eyes baring into my own and making me swallow as he whispered into my ear.

“Look, I’ll let you two talk. But, James, is it?” at my nod he continued. “Aleks isn’t a virgin, but he’s not used to relationships or the whole dude thing. Go slow and he will fall right for you.”

Aleks

Whatever Jordan said to James made him glance over, a faraway glance in his eyes. I swallowed, trying to calm myself as I noticed his beard had grown out and he had heavy bags under his eyes. I should have known he’d punish himself for my stupidity and absence. I stared him down as he sat down, taking Jordan’s spot.

“We’re both idiots, aren’t we?” he mumbled quietly.

That startled a laugh out of me, and he gave a smile in return, a smile that I had thoroughly missed.

“Yes,” I sighed. “Yes we are.”

“At least we know it. I guess that’s a step.”

“I don’t know if that step is leading backwards or forward.”

We slipped into an uneasy silence then. There were words on both of our lips, but neither of us spoke. The words danced on my tongue, but played at the fact that I tried to speak. I heaved a sigh.

“What is this?” his voice pulled me from my thoughts.

“What is what?”

“This. This thing between us. Where does it go from here?”

I was silent. There was no words to say.

“If you want to be just friends, it’s okay,” his voice was barely above an audible mumble. “I’ll suck it up. I just want you home.”

Home. Where was home, exactly? Somewhere with Captain Crunch cereal on the counter, almost empty because James eats it for nearly every midnight snack? Somewhere with one person taking up an entire three person couch, one that was dusty and old but smelled like James? Somewhere there is a laughter that echoes off the walls and fills me with an unexplicable warmth as I watched movies with James?

And then it dawned on me. Maybe I always knew, but pushed it far below the surface. It was clawing its way up, forcing me to notice it, forcing me to admit to it. An apartment I’ve lived in for months wasn’t my home.

Dear James,

You once told me I was your world. Do you remember that? We were curled up on the couch, listening to the air conditioner thrum and our breathing match. I swore I could hear our heartbeats. I asked if you wanted to watch TV, afraid you would get bored, but you declined and held me close. You whispered those sweet words into my ear, and at the time I could have sworn they were a blessing, but now, I wish you hadn’t spoke at all.

Not even a few months after, you told me I was too good for you. You were sick and needy and I took to being your caretaker. I didn’t mind it, and when you said that, I blushed and gave you a kiss on your warm forehead. That was a compliment right? At least, that’s how I took it. However, as time progressed I realized you were using it as a tool, a crutch even, to keep me near. That was just the iceburg.

You got irritated at how much time I spent with our friends. I thought you were jealous about them taking up my time, I thought it was normal. You said you were scared when I was gone, and you hated being alone. I shushed you with a kiss and promised I would spend more time with you. You seemed genuinely happy, and at the time, I thought I was too.

The weeks after that were a blur. You told me you didn’t trust me when I came home late. You yelled and screamed before asking me where I’ve been. I told you I was with our friends, you were invited too but you declined. Your face twisted up in anger and you grabbed my shoulders, shaking me roughly. I was rattled and scared for every moment.l You snarled and spit until I said your name as a chant, as a pleading. Later, you promised it’d never happen again. I was a fool to trust it, I knew it, but I still wanted to believe.

It wasn’t even a week later when it happened. You told me it was my fault. As I touched my bruised neck and licked my split lip, I was tempted to believe you. There were no apologies or intimacy. Just jealousy and anger. I wish you hadn’t banned me from seeing our friends, I wish you hadn’t said you loved me for the first time.

I remember telling the nurse I had fallen down the stairs, whacking my ribs against the railing as I went. That’s why I had bruised ribs, a busted nose. She looked unconvinced, but she accepted the lie nonetheless. You snorted and said it was an accident either way. I felt a shudder down my spine every time you spoke.

You wouldn’t let me leave. You never said it to my face, no, but I just knew. I knew what you’d do to the others. You’d do the same thing you did to me. You asked me to marry you in the same breath that you told me nobody liked me like you did. I wish you didn’t say that it didn’t matter anyway.

  James

I was going to pull away. I was going to apologize to Aleks, to promise I wouldn't do it again. I was going to plead for him to continue staying with me and not disappear. But it didn't seem like I needed too.

He stiffened as our lips met, but after a few minuscule seconds, his hands were in my hair and he was kissing me back. He was rough and dominant, and I let him. He deepened the kiss and I let out a gasp in surprise that he instantly took advantage of. His tongue was in my mouth in a mere second, and my cock began to stir at the sounds we were making. He was shifting himself, damn near sitting ontop of me, and oh fuck he was hard. I grabbed his hips, pulling us together and he groaned into the kiss. I took it a step further, my hand leaving his hip to brush his cock through his pants.

He stilled again, finally releasing from our heated kiss as we both panted for breath. I opened my mouth to talk to him, to tell him how hot he was, how I've liked him since day one, but his eyes widened and he quickly pulled away.

"No, no no," he murmured, taking a few steps back. "I can't. This can't happen. No."

"Aleks--"

He was out the door in a flash, slamming it behind him. I drew in a ragged breath, going back to my prior thoughts.

How in the hell was I going to apologize?

Aleks

That wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to pull away, to tell him that I thought of him as just a friend, laugh it off, anything but return the damned kiss. Yet, the moment his lips met mine, my mind short-circuited. It just felt so right, so perfect. The way his beard felt against my chin, the way his lips were a tad bit chapped, but perfect. It felt so good, I never wanted it to stop. Goddamn it, get a hold of yourself.

I returned home a few hours later, when the moon was high in the sky and all the lights in the apartment were off. I assumed James was asleep, but I tiptoed to my room anyway, not wanting to risk an awkward encounter. At least, not tonight, and preferably, not ever.

As I lay in bed, my mind began to wonder. I felt a surge of guilt at the surprise on his face when I untangled myself from him. I shouldn't have dragged him on, I shouldn't have given him hope. Then, I felt anger. It was his fault, kissing me after a stressful day. He probably didn't mean anything by it, he probably just wanted sex. If he just wanted a fuck buddy, he should have asked someone else. Because I was only a little bi, and there was no way I was going to just fuck him for the hell of it. I cursed to myself, rolling over before managing to drift off to sleep.

  James

Aleks was drinking coffee when I got up that morning. Half of me was glad he didn't decide to pack his bags and leave in the middle of the night, but the other half saw the dangerous look in his eyes as he mulled over his thoughts. I made sure he heard me coming as I walked to the fridge and grabbed myself a yogurt.

"So," I tried. "What time did you get home last night?"

The look he gave me instantly shut my mouth. I grabbed a spoon, opened my yogurt and threw the lid away before he bothered to speak.

"Look, James. I have no problem with you being gay, okay? I don't care if you bring home eight dudes in one week or whatever, just keep me out of it. I'm not gay, and I'm not your toy for when you get lonely."

My eyes widened in shock. My mouth opened and shut as my mind reeled for ways to reply. He grabbed his keys and was out the door before I even got a word out. Dismayed, I watched in silence as he adverted his eyes and left in a hurry. My heart was pounding, almost aching. I couldn't tell if I was angry at his words, or if I was just hurt that he would think I was using him for sex. I didn't want to admit it, but I felt more hurt than anything.

  Aleks  

I tried to keep things normal between James and I afterword. I may not have wanted to date him or anything, but that didn't mean I wanted to lose his friendship. He seemed like he wanted to remain friends as well, but something was off. Or, I guess, multiple somethings were off.

He sat further away from me on the couch, hardly changing his expression during the movie and hardly speaking. He wouldn't look at me, pretending to be absorbed in the film but I knew he wasn't paying even the slightest bit of attention. He declined any requests I had of us playing videogames. He feigned exhaustion, or atleast I thought he feigned exhaustion, but his bags under his eyes were beginning to worry me.  He only spoke to me when I spoke first, and even then they were short, simple replies. Finally, I couldn't take it any more.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I hissed, grabbing onto his shirt and pulling him to a stop.

"Me? My problem?" he snorted, shaking his head.

"Yeah, you! You've been distant this entire week, what the fuck is your deal?"

"Oh, my deal? You seriously want to go there? What's my fucking deal? I'm not the one who accused you of using people as pity fucks."

"That's what this is about? Seriously?"

"Yeah, seriously. I fucking like you, Aleks. I have for the last three fucking months. And the one time I get the balls to show you how I fucking feel, you shove it down my throat and walk out the fucking door. And then you have the fucking nerve to say I have a problem? How can you even look at yourself in the fucking mirror when you are such an asshole?"

My mouth wasn't working all of a sudden. I could only stare at James as he looked me in the eye for the first time in a week. He snorted, before pushing past me, a simple line from his lips.

"Yeah, that's what I fucking thought."

I let him go. That's all that I could do. Deep down, I knew I deserved James' wrath. I had hurt him, no doubt about it. His words rang in my head, giving me no chance of respite.  He had told me he loved me. I tried to pretend that I thought he meant the kind of love you'd give a close friend, I tried and tried. My heart still ached at the look he gave me, one of hurt and anger as he walked out that door.

I had never been so disgusted with myself.

     James  

The days following were awkward. Aleks kept his distance, shooting me sad glances but never once approaching me to apologize or try to normalize anything. For that, I was glad. I didn't know if I was ready to forgive, let alone forget. He continued making breakfast for both of us, yet was long gone before I got out of my shower. Our movie nights were no more. Aleks was away most nights, and after trying to wait up for him until four a.m., I gave up, just hoping he was safe.

The hardest part was when he did make it home, reeking of alcohol and the musky scent of sex. I never questioned it, what could I possibly say? I wanted to apologize to him, to tell him I wasn't angry, anything just to see his smile again, but it would have been a lie. I was still furious with him. He claimed I was using him, when in reality, he was using people for quick lays at some bar or something. I snorted, thinking of the ugliest girl I could imagine, just trying to remain angry at him, but my thoughts slipped. Could it be a guy? No, impossible. He freaked out at a simple kiss. My heart dropped.

What if it was just me?

     Aleks  

I didn't mean for it to happen. It sort of just happened. Originally, I was fine with just having a couple drinks, with ladies swinging their hips in the background. But then, I met him.

"Hey, sweetie. I'd use the whole 'come here often' line, but I know you do. I've seen you here on more than one occasion," a smooth voice stated from beside me.

I turned to him, noticing the scandalously dressed man (in a red maid outfit, no less) that the voice belonged to. His eyes were colorful and warm, and his smile pulled my attention completely towards him. No wonder why he managed to get this job with rarely any woman customers.

"I, uh," I struggled with words, but he didn't seem to mind.

"The other waitresses noticed you weren't really responding to their advances, so they sent me. We're all worried about you. I do have to say, usually, I'm stuck with horny chicks. I'm definitely glad to finally get a handsome fella like yourself."

I could feel the blush rising to my cheeks as he gave me a seductive wink and trailed his (unbelievably soft) finger up my neck and to my chin, forcing me to look into his eyes (like I wasn't already looking).

"I'm not gay!" I blurted out and his eyes widened in surprise as his touch stiffened.

He recovered quickly, his chuckle sending a shiver down my spine.

"I feel like that right there is the reason why you are here."

"Excuse me?"

"I mean no offense, honey, but why are you denying yourself?

I paused, desperately wanting to tell him he was wrong, but I found myself just watching as he took a seat beside me and rested his head on his arm as he watched me intently. He was patient, waiting for my reply and his smile never once slipped from his beautiful face. Wait, did I really just think that?

"I'm scared," a voice whispered. Wait was that my voice?

"Of what?"

"I-I don't know," I recognized my voice this time, "of being hurt?"

"And you think only guys will hurt you?"

"Well, no--"

"You think the people who you care about, and care for you just the same, will mind that you like dick?"

"No."

"Are you worried about the part of having sex?"

"I don't know," my voice was growing frustrated. "Maybe?"

"I won't lie, it's going to hurt a bit the first time. But if your partner cares about you, he'll wait until your ready, and he'll take it nice and slow. In fact, a good partner will make you want it so bad that you are basically begging him for it, but that's an entirely different matter."

"I just," I trailed off, unable to think of where I was going with the sentence.

"You just? Come on, sweetie, spit it out."

I was silent for a moment, mulling over my thoughts. The waiter watched my expressions shift, from confusion to realization, from horror to sadness. I gave a sigh of frustration, downing the beer that was sat in front of me.

"For a waiter at some strip club, you are pretty wise."

"Thanks, I get that a lot," he teased and I found myself smiling.

"I meant 'thank you.' I guess I'm not used to showing appreciation."

"You’re welcome, sugar," he grinned.

He slipped a pen out of a hidden pouch in his outfit and stole my napkin, writing slowly and surely. He handed it to me, his grin fading into one of worry.

"Call me whenever you need to talk, okay? Or just come here, I work pretty much every day, except Sundays."

"Do you give your number to every customer you talk to?"

"Only the cute ones," his voice was back to teasing and he finished it off with a wink.

I gave him a smile, the first one of this entire shitty week, and glanced down at the napkin where he wrote "call me for a good time -Jordan". He began to get up, to leave, but I found myself reaching out, managing to grab his arm and pulling his attention back towards me.

"Can you help me?"

"With what, sweetie?"

"How do I, uh, you know."

"Engage in coitus with another member of your sex?"

I scowled at the words he used and earned a sugary chuckle from him.

"I get off at 3, darling."

"Thank you, again, Jordan."

"Anytime, hot stuff."