#anime fandom

not in any grand, dramatic way. just quietly, gradually.

one day, he was the guy who sat beside you in a lecture because every other seat was taken. the next, he was the person you texted when something reminded you of him. the person you called when you had a bad day and didn’t feel like talking to anyone else. the person whose apartment you ended up in more often than your own, even when there was no real reason to be there.

somewhere along the way, you fell in love with him.

hard.

and somewhere along the way, that became a problem.

because tsukishima was impossible to read.

he was consistent in the smallest ways. coffee before your early classes when you looked like you hadn’t slept, or walking slightly slower when you were tired even though he’d never admit it. but inconsistent in everything that ever actually mattered.

sometimes he’d look at you like you were the only thing in the room. sometimes he’d act like you were just air.

sometimes you caught him staring when he thought you weren’t looking, glasses slightly sliding down his nose as he read something he’d already finished five minutes ago just to avoid being obvious.

sometimes he remembered things you said in passing months ago, and he’d recall it so casually it made your chest hurt more than it should’ve.

but none of it was enough. not enough to risk everything. not enough to risk him.

so you didn’t.

you kept your feelings folded away neatly where no one could see them, and told yourself it was safer that way.

and then there was kageyama tobio.

you really wish there wasn’t.

everyone seemed convinced you liked him. it was easier for them that way, to turn you into something simple and readable. just because he looked at you sometimes when you were with mutual friends, classmates would tease you about it. friends joked about it. even strangers assumed it when you and him were in the same space for more than five minutes.

and every single time, tsukishima looked annoyed.

you always noticed.

of course you did.

you noticed everything when it came to him.

but you never let yourself think too hard about why.

tonight, the two of you are sitting outside your apartment building after a long study session.

the air is cool enough to make your sleeves feel slightly too thin. campus is quiet in a way where everything feels suspended, like the world has paused but forgotten to turn itself back on.

for once, neither of you have anywhere else to be.

you think the night is ending like it always does. quiet conversation fading into comfortable silence, when tsukishima suddenly speaks.

“so.”

you glance up from your phone, “so?”

his eyes stay fixed on the parking lot, “who is it?”

“who is who?” you frown, sliding your phone into your pocket.

“the person you like, y/n.”

well, that’s certainly not what you were expecting.

for a moment, everything feels too loud. your heartbeat, the distant hum of a car passing nearby, the way your breath suddenly doesn’t feel like it fits in your chest anymore.

“what?”

he exhales through his nose like he’s mildly irritated. “the guy you like. everyone keeps talking about it.”

right.

you stare at him. well, this must be it. the opportunity you’ve imagined a hundred different ways. the opportunity you’ve wanted for months.

maybe even years.

you could tell him. you could finally tell him.

the silence rings in your ears, pulling you out of your thoughts.

tsukishima finally turns toward you, “well?”

your mouth goes dry. why is he being so damn persistent? maybe you should just say it. you should just tell him.

but, of course, you laugh nervously instead.

“why do you care, kei?”

tsukishima rolls his eyes, scoffing as if you just asked if dragons were real. “i don’t.”

yeah, clearly, or else he wouldn’t be asking. his answer comes annoyingly fast. you return the eye roll.

“liar.”

he scoffs again. what is with him? why does it even matter?

but you smile despite yourself.

and somehow that makes it easier. you look away, gathering your courage. “fine.”

tsukishima leans back against the bench. “fine.”

your heart is beating so hard it feels painful. “um…well, he’s tall.”

out of the corner of your eye, you see his eyebrows lift slightly. “wow. what a specific description.”

you nudge his shoulder, “shut up.”

a faint smile tugs at the corner of his mouth before he hides it again like it was never even there. so you continue.

“he’s annoying.”

“there it is.” he sighs.

what? what does he mean? does he know who you’re talking about?! no, surely not.

“and rude,” you continue.

“yeah, sounds like a great guy.”

you let out a breath that turns into a laugh before you can stop it. a real one. the kind that only ever seems to happen around him without you meaning for it to.

for a moment, it almost feels normal. it almost feels safe.

“he’s smart. a little nerdy, actually.”

then something changes. it’s subtle, almost impossible for either of you to notice.

but you do.

because you’ve spent years learning him.

tsukishima’s teasing fades first. then his expression. his attention sharpens in a way that makes the air between you feel thinner.

“he acts like he doesn’t care about people.”

the smile on his face disappears completely now.

“but he does.”

you finally look at him. and that’s when you see it.

the softness in his eyes. the hope. not certainty. not confidence.

hope.

like he’s starting to believe you’re talking about him. like he’s trying not to believe it even though he wants to so, so bad.

your stomach drops. suddenly this isn’t hypothetical anymore. this isn’t a daydream. this isn’t some silly fantasy you replay before falling asleep. this is real.

and if you’re wrong? if you say his name and he doesn’t feel the same way? you don’t lose just the confession.

you’ll lose him.

your best friend. your favorite person. the one person you can’t imagine your life without.

you were halfway through the lie when you realized what it would cost you. the look in his eyes should’ve stopped you.

but instead it made everything worse. instead, it filled you with fear. fear of being wrong. fear of ruining everything. fear of watching that hope disappear because of something you said.

so you panic.

you look away too fast, like ripping off a bandage you weren’t ready for.

“kageyama.”

the silence that follows is immediate.

painful. violent.

you don’t even need to look at him to know something has changed. you’ve realized by the look in his eyes what this has caused.

the air feels different. heavier. colder. so, so much colder, and that feeling is accompanied by the goosebumps forming across your body.

when you finally glance over, all hope is lost—like it was never there at all.

tsukishima stares at you for a moment. then he blinks.

“oh.”

just that one little word. but it hurts. it hurts deeply, like you’ve taken a dagger to the heart.

“oh,” he repeats quietly, almost to himself this time, jaw tightening like he’s physically holding something back. you know him well enough to recognize what he’s doing. building the walls back up, one brick at a time.

and suddenly you realize you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life.

tsukishima stares at you for a moment after the silence settles, like he’s waiting for you to say something that fixes it. when you don’t, he exhales through his nose and looks away again.

“…right. of course,” he says quietly. those words alone are so much worse than yelling.

your stomach drops. he was really, truly upset. “tsukki—wait, no, i didn’t mean it like that.”

he scoffs. “you did, though.”

“i swear didn’t. i panicked. i literally panicked, i didn’t think—”

“yeah, that’s kind of the problem,” he interrupts, voice sharper now. not loud. just controlled. “you didn’t think. you just said it. clearly, kageyama was the first person you thought of.”

you take a shaky step toward him. “because i thought if i said you, it would be—”

“what?” he cuts in immediately. “what would it be?”

you stop. your mouth opens, then closes again. saliva pools in your mouth. this is absolutely sickening. something that’s only happened in the worst of your dreams.

tears prick your eyes. because saying it out loud makes it real. and you’re still scared.

tsukishima notices. of course he does.

he lets out a short laugh, but there’s nothing in it. “yeah. that’s what i fuckin’ thought,” he turns away from you once again.

“okay, that’s not fair,” you say quickly. “you can’t just decide what i was going to say.”

“i didn’t decide,” he says, finally looking at you again. “you did.”

that lands hard.

you feel your chest tighten. “you’re acting like i went up and chose him with a kiss.”

“you said his name,” he replies flatly.

“yeah, i know,” your voice cracks, and you hate it immediately. “i know i did, but i didn’t mean it, kei.”

“then why’d you even say it?” he said, voice dry, eyes avoiding yours.

“i told you—because i was scared!”

he goes quiet at that. not immediately softer. just still. like that word hit somewhere it shouldn’t have.

“…scared of what?” he asks after a beat.

you let out a shaky breath. “of you.”

tsukishima blinks. “me?”

“yes, you,” you say, more frustrated now because it’s all spilling out. “you act like nothing matters half the time, tsukishima. you sit there and make jokes and act like everything is annoying and stupid and i can never tell if i’m just another person to you or if i actually—“ you pause, swallowing back the nearly painful lump in your throat, “if i actually mean anything.”

his jaw tightens slightly.

“that’s not—” he starts, then stops himself again. his throat tightens, as he looks away. “you’re really bad at this.”

“yeah, i fucking know,” you snap. “i know i’m bad at this, that’s the whole point. i didn’t want to ruin whatever this is between us.” you sloppily gesture between the two of you, doing whatever possible to get your point across.

he laughs again, quiet. “you really think this is fine right now?”

that sure shuts you up. because no, obviously, it’s not fine. your whole relationship is falling apart in real time.

you swallow. “i like you, kei,” you sigh, softer now. “that’s what i was trying to say before i panicked.” you exhale sharply through your nose right after, blinking fast and pressing your lips together like you’ve just forced something out of you that you can’t take back. because you have. this better be whatever he had wanted to hear, because this is irreversible.

tsukishima doesn’t respond immediately. and in a heartbeat, that silence makes you nervous all over again.

then he says, “you can’t say that like it fixes it.”

your breath catches. well, shit. “no, i-i’m not trying to fix it. i’m trying to—i’m telling you the truth!” you argue desperately.

“yeah, after you already said kageyama.”

“goddamnit, i corrected it!” you insist, voice rising slightly. “i literally corrected it!”

“okay, well that’s not how that works,” he says, sharper now, and there it is—the faltering crack in his control again. “you don’t just undo it.”

your eyes sting. what were you even supposed to do? to say? he seems ten toes down on what he’s arguing. your throat tightens, “so what, that’s it?”

“well, i didn’t say that.”

“then what are you saying, tsukishima?”

he goes quiet again. long enough that it starts to feel genuinely unbearable.

then he exhales, slower this time, “i’m saying i thought you were about to say me.”

that stops you completely. you definitely thought it was weird that he reacted in such a way when you said kageyama’s name. but you thought you were extremely delusional to ever imagine this being. nevertheless, here you are.

“…what?”

he looks at you again, and it’s different now. less defensive. more honest in a way that clearly frustrates him. “i thought you were talking about me,” he repeats. “and then you said kageyama.”

your voice drops along with your heart. “tsukki…”

“don’t, y/n,” he says immediately, but not harshly this time. more like he’s trying to hold himself together. “do not make it worse.”

“i didn’t know,” you say quickly. “i didn’t know you felt—”

“i didn’t say i felt anything,” he interrupts, but it’s too late. it’s already slipped.

you stare at him. “you did, though.”

he clicks his tongue, looking away again. “you’re so fucking annoying.”

“okay, that’s not a fucking answer, tsukishima.” you counter, letting the back-and-forth continue. he wasn’t getting away from this. not here, not now.

“yeah, well, it’s the only one you’re getting right now.”

another pause. then you step closer again, more careful this time. “i like you, kei,” you say quietly. “i like you so much it’s actually embarrassing.”

he glances at you, his guard dropping ever so slightly. “yeah?”

“yes.”

“that’s unfortunate,” he says automatically. you blink at him, trying to read his face, but he’s already looking away like he didn’t mean anything by it. still, your thoughts snag on it—unfortunate? what does that even mean? he doesn’t like you back? then what was his little conniption for?

you let out a shaky laugh. “tsukki.”

“what?” he says, but his voice is lower now and slightly shaky. you swallow, staring at the ground.

“i’m sorry.”

“for what?” he questions. you’ve never heard him speak so softly. so gently. like you might shatter to pieces if he raises his voice even slightly.

“for messing this up.” you exhale, heart beating a million miles a minute.

he exhales through his nose, longer this time. “you didn’t mess anything up.”

you blink. “i didn’t? but that completely contradicts—“

oh, he knew. he knew his previous actions weren’t matching his current words. “no,” he blurts, finally looking at you fully again. “you just picked the worst possible delivery method.”

that makes you laugh through your tears a little. “well, kei, i figured as much, given that you lost your shit.”

silence again. but it’s not as cold now. it’s different. you see the sorrow in his eyes. he feels bad for scaring you.

he shifts slightly, like he’s debating something. then he says, quieter, “say it again.”

you frown slightly, brows furrowing in confusion. “what?”

“what you said earlier.” he slowly rocks back and forth on his heels, chewing the inside of his cheek.

your heart stutters. “i like you?”

tsukishima looks at you for a second. taking in a deep breath, shoving his hands in his pockets. “yeah.”

you breathe in. “i like you, tsukishima.”

he exhales like that finally settles something. “god, took you long enough,” he mutters.

you blink. “is that seriously your response?”

“well it’s a good one,” he says, stepping closer.

“that’s…yeah, that’s really debatable, kei.”

he huffs. “you’re really still arguing right now?”

“well you started it.”

“that’s not how—” he stops himself, then just shakes his head slightly. “you’re obnoxious.”

you smile a little, still shaky. “well you like me anyway.”

that makes him pause just a second, like you’ve only now spoken it into existence.

“…unfortunately,” he says. but there’s no real bite in it. no defense. just him refusing to make it easy for you.

your chest tightens a little anyway, because now everything feels too real. and that’s when it hits you all at once. all the time before this.

sitting next to him in lectures where you pretended not to care how aware you were of his presence. the first time he showed up at your apartment with coffee without asking. late nights where you studied for five minutes and talked for five hours instead. the way he remembers things you forget telling anyone else.

the way you always, always end up choosing to sit next to him without thinking about it.

your throat feels tight. you blink quickly, looking away before it shows too much.

“don’t,” he says immediately, like he already knows.

you let out a small, unsteady laugh. “i’m not doing anything.”

“you’re about to start crying.”

“i’m not trying to.”

“well don’t.”

“that’s not how crying works, kei.”

he clicks his tongue, but it’s softer than before. less annoyed. more like he doesn’t know what to do with you like this. and that’s when it really sinks in for you.

you almost didn’t say it.

you almost lied. and if you had, you would’ve lost this version of him forever.

your fingers curl slightly into your sleeve, “i really thought i ruined everything,” you admit quietly.

he glances at you then, properly this time, “you didn’t,” he says. a pause. then, like he really can’t help himself, “you just made me listen to you say kageyama’s name for no reason.”

you actually laugh at that, wiping at your face quickly. “i said i was sorry.”

“yeah,” he says. that’s all.

you wait a beat, expecting him to continue. but he doesn’t.

so you tilt your head slightly. “and i corrected myself.”

he finally looks fully at you again, expression flat but not cold. “eventually.”

you groan, dragging a hand over your face.

“oh my god.”

that gets the smallest twitch of a smile from him. and for a second, the tension breaks just enough that it almost feels like before all of this went wrong. almost, but not quite.

because now you’re both standing in the reality of it. no more guessing, no more pretending. just the truth sitting between you.

he likes you, you like him.

and neither of you know what to do with that yet. you take a small step closer without thinking. he does the same.

“kei,” you say quietly.

this time, he doesn’t tease you for it. doesn’t deflect. he just looks at you.

and something in his expression shifts. subtle, but quick. like a decision being made without words.

one step closer. then another.

until there’s barely any space left between you at all and you can feel your heart in your throat now. and you realize, very suddenly, that he’s really, really not joking anymore. neither of you are.

his gaze drops for half a second, just long enough for you to notice, then comes back to your eyes.

this time, when he leans in, there’s no hesitation left to fight against.

his lips press against yours tenderly and you go dizzy in the head. he’s so close you can’t feel your legs anymore. you can taste his mint chapstick and somehow it’s so sweet, so sickeningly sweet, you almost can’t take it. your lips mold together desperately, as if you’re both chasing something you already have.

the kiss doesn’t seem like it should feel this dramatic. it feels like something that was happening the entire time you were talking, and only now caught up to reality.

your hand catches his sleeve without you thinking.

his hand steadies at your waist like he’s making sure you’re actually there. like he’s been afraid you might disappear if he moves too fast.

and for once, there’s no noise in your head. no overthinking. no fear.

just him.

when he pulls back, it’s not far, not really at all. you’re still close enough that your breath keeps catching against his. he exhales slowly, forehead almost brushing yours, and for a second, neither of you speak

then, quietly, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world, “…don’t say kageyama again.”

you let out a breathless laugh, still shaking a little, “i won’t.”

“good.”

a pause.

he looks away for half a second like he’s trying to regain control of his face.

“because i’d actually lose my mind.” he jokes reluctantly.

that finally makes you laugh properly. and this time, he doesn’t pretend he isn’t smiling too.

author’s note . . . first fic yay 😊😊 for my beautiful @laceylovesmatthew !! requests always open.

🏷️ :: none yet !

© bokutosbabydoll