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Whelp, first csa online peer support meeting in a few minutes. Trying to remind myself there are zero stakes and to have no expectations. If it’s shitty, at least I tried and don’t have to do it again. Nor am I obligated to share or stay.
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I miss you, more and more each day 💜🌿
“Today, so as never to clip the wingspan of truth, I am writing to you from the heart of the wound, from the bullseye of ache. I am writing in pain, friends, knowing many (if not most of you) are in some kind of pain as well.
Because I realized that if I only reach out to you from the healed place, from the lesson learned, then we don't get to sit in vulnerability together. Neatly resolved stories signal that the exploration is over. Sometimes it's not about knowing the answer, but being inside the question together. Being inside the hardest winter together. Being beside each other in the cold when, finally, the first brave sprout pushes through the hard earth, and a smile breaks the surface of our faces, and another season of our lives is upon us. And we gasp in color.”
- Andrea Gibson (7.14.25)
Waiting for session and willing it to be fall out with a sweater in 95 (F) heat index. I fucking hate summer.
Ruminating upon ruminating. Even when my mood is decent. I ruminate about him…
Thankfully, both mammogram and ultrasound scans came back clear.
The doctor performing the mammogram was incredibly rude. I asked if A could come back and she sharply said "no." I'm clearly anxious, completely exposed, and she was so abrasive, shoving my shoulder/arm down and telling me to "just relax." a) massive trigger phrase and b) bitch, do you think if I could relax my shoulder, I would? She actually sound exasperated to do her job when it showed I had very dense tissue. The ultrasound tech and other doctor were very nice and warm though, immediately telling me they do not see anything alarming (the tech even asked who my tattoo artist was). Yes, I have dense tissue and coupled with my family history, I qualify as "increased risk." So I have a genetic screening next month and I want to get tested for the BRCA I and II mutation.
The whole thing took two hours. And missed A by two minutes. So I couldn't even see her first. But, we were texting the whole time and she was so supportive. The mammogram hurt, but was tolerable. Hell, anything other than a fucking pelvic and pap.
I am so so exhausted and maybe even dissociative that I can't absorb everything came back okay and no abnormalities or need for biopsy.
Saw my pcp this morning and she noticed a dense spot, so now I’m getting my first mammogram with an ultrasound tomorrow morning. My mother’s side has an extensive history of breast cancer and I needed to get a mammogram this year anyway. Supposed to start at 35 years old if you have a family history.
I let A know that I would be coming in late tomorrow and she offered to come with me to the appt since it’s my first one 🥺 I love her so much.
Hopefully it doesn’t show anything that needs a biopsy. My mom and others in her family have high density tissue. So might just be that, but my pcp wants to be sure. People keep warning me about the exam and being painful. Honestly, I would prefer a mammogram over a pap smear any day. Still dreading when that comes around next…
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Too exhausted for much of an update.
This cat is going to be the death of me...found what looked like blood outside his litter box. Nothing in his urine/stool and nothing on him. Contacted the vet (and sent picture of blood), he wanted to do a urine and stool sample just in case. Physical check was clear; nothing in his mouth/ears or on body. Ultrasound showed nothing apparent during the urine sample. His test results came back clear/normal. Still waiting on the stool sample results. Then literally in the two hours of him eating dinner tonight and sleeping on my bed, his eye is swollen and red. Probably a hair in it from the blanket. I'm using a wet cloth to pat his eye, which seems to help. Fucking hell dude, I haven't even had you three months.
Mood is a rollercoaster. Good days at [clinic] only to collapse at home. Weird dreams, but nothing nightmare level at least. Incredibly stressed about finding jobs. I keep applying, but nothing. Literally 1.5 months left of an income....this is when I wish I did clinical. Plenty of clinical social work jobs. Nothing much for macro/public health when everyone's funding is frozen and grants are slashed 🙃 i.e. fuck trump
I registered for this online peer support group for csa. But, I keep avoiding it/"forgetting" about the weekly meetings. T and A think I should at least try one. I'm worried about containment, but maybe more deeper, worried I will feel like a liar compared to others because I don't have as much "narrative" memories.
It’s Monday and I’m already exhausted, but I got a new lilac purple phone case and it makes me happy. I’ve had a black one for over a decade.
Cool, got into a minor accident this morning. My fault, but honestly not that much damage once I cleaned off the scrape, mostly a dent on front side panel. Already went through the hoops of insurance claim so everything is straight with reporting it, repairs scheduled, etc.
So overall, not horrible. But feel like absolute stupid dumbass shit. Had to lay in bed so wouldn’t SH because hated myself so much. See T later today at least….already have to deal with nightmare shit and now this.
