#angerfueled

Ah, James....

I see the hate in your heart, I hope that you heal. Carrying the glock on your side, not holding to conceal.

The envy in your bloodstream, spreading pain everywhere you go. The pain DJing it's own personal set from your head to your toe.

You hate yourself, neglect yourself… giving everything attention, but self. You despise yourself, so you manifest it in everyone else.

Your Lilith consumes you, feasting on your sun. The anger rising, it's starting to weigh a ton.

Misery loves company, tryna jack me for my joy. Tripping over your insecurities, popping Molly to feel the joy.

the unfortunate survivor thrashed in the vice-like grip the executioner had on their throat. but things didn’t work like that. they never worked out in the victim’s favor. though he savored the taste of that last shred of hope they held, that they still could somehow get away from their terrible fate – a hook or his blade –, even after he had knocked them down... lifting them up with no effort at all, he brought them level to the heavy pyramid.                                                         ⸺ and looked like it was their luckiest day ever. because he seemed to hesitate. was the killer thinking on which option to go for? no, his undivided attention was intercepted by something in the corner of his vision, his senses. another survivor. but if it had been any survivor, pyramid head would’ve simply made them watch. but no. this... didn’t feel right. this wasn’t right.                                              this couldn’t be. he simply dropped the unfortunate soul, and turned towards the disturbance. and he immediately knew, immediately recognized the bond that apparently persisted...                                              it was him. james sunderland. 

this is why i should have had a vasectomy.

Today's our anniversary, and we're fighting. Again.

You're mad because I opened the can of sausages for you. You said it made you feel incompetent. Incapable.

I opened it because I didn't want you to injure yourself. I've taught you how to use the can opener multiple times, but you refuse to use it for some reason. Instead, you insist on using a knife.

And you never succeed. You always - ALWAYS - end up with a jagged lid. Then, you'll ask for my help.

That's how it has always been. Right?

You claim to want to do things your way, but I always end up cleaning up your mess. It's not like you actually deal with your f*ck ups.

You leave even before the cleanup starts, so you have no idea how ridiculously tedious it is.

So, yeah. Why wouldn't I open the can myself? We both know how it's going to end anyway.

Don’t read if triggered by s/a.

I like that I can take my pretty face off when I please.

A pretty face looks good but thanks to our society, a pretty face comes with consequences.

I hate that I can’t just post a photo or walk down the street without some guy aggressively insisting to “hook up” because of how I look with makeup.

Different day, no make up, nice dress - not noticed. I’m totally okay with that and okay without makeup. I love the skin I’m in and embrace every part of me.

And then….

There’s today, same dress but makeup and hair done just because I feel like it, and the scummy creeps that come out and feel so much as though it’s their god given right to coerce me into having sex with them?! Like what kind of planet are we on here. Fuck off!

Let me put things into context.

I used to have a blog online called Australian Beautiful Disaster.

In my blog I disclosed 21 years of abuse, most of which was sexual assault.

Since then I healed and got rid of my blog.

Then tragedy struck.

4 weeks ago I was raped by a man whose name I don’t even know, 5 days later my fiancé sexually assaults me, one day later she gets violent and 2 days later she ends things after I name her a perpetrator.

It’s been 4 weeks since the last time I was assaulted.

I finally felt good about myself and did my hair and makeup to look nice. For me. Not anyone else. I want to feel good for myself. I upload the picture online and all I get is a barrage of shit from men commenting indecent acts then “sliding” into my DMs and expecting me to talk to them and instantly be their fuck toy. They act so entitled and it makes me so mad.

I’ve been raped as I would look most days and was degraded and humiliated beyond belief for how I looked. Then I’ve also been raped with a full face of makeup on and the attacker makes it quite clear it’s about my looks.

Can’t win.

But I just want the freedom to present however I want to look on the day without being harassed.

That’s why I like that I can take my pretty face off.

Because fuck every piece of shit that ever thought they could take away someone’s control and consent.