back in the city and back to myself — has been two months of almost-constant company, a rare thing, lovely but exhausting without respite — something about hosting others, being a guest of others, that displaces me internally — although I got back and realized my anxiety in Tepoztlán was just idea after idea that couldn't take easy shape in the presence of others, only several hours in silence let it coalesce into a thing, the edges building up into something like a form — I am too giddy to set it down here though set it down I should — it is a morning for writing, for thinking, for cleaning, for laundry, I am sitting here in hot sun with hot coffee and even the sweat is welcome; I am myself today and today that does not seem such a sorry thing; everything is still fucked, my body is still a wreck, the finances are dire, the impending surgical bills are still entirely out of reach, but I am brimming with ideas and all I need is to channel my energies into making something happen — one thing, and then another — I must have faith in my abilities — and this time I think I do

sometimes I think I need to be more of a hater here