(I don't think this is going to be coherent I'm just rambling my thoughts)
I think I spend a lot of time worrying wether or not I come off as smart online. Because it's such a big part of my public persona irl. It's probably a pretty common anxiety, I get it a lot in new spaces. Whenever I'm with someone new and they praise me or even if they make fun of me for knowing a lot of weird facts or reading a lot of books, I feels really validated because it tells me that people still see me that way, and that it's not just a reputation I got in school that stuck.
But it's especially bad online. It's such an integral part of the way I see and present myself that i feel like if people don't see me as smart, I've failed in some way. The problem is that at first I never really presented myself like I do irl. I'm still "me" but I think my worry online was more rooted in being liked and being seen as funny. So I adopted more of a clown persona I suppose?
I think both anxieties are rooted in my intense need to be liked though. In real life, kids who used to bully me leave me alone because they want to be able to partner with me on projects. They treat me nicely because they know that I'll help them with homework and studying if they ask. If I read a lot and work hard the teachers will praise me and like me and I get the validation from being liked. (yes I am a teachers pet but I am not ashamed. Most teachers are really nice, and if they aren't then I don't give a fuck about getting their praise).
I'm still silly in real life. I goof off with my friends and even my school projects are usually bordering on ridiculous (my French final was a choose your own adventure contemporary fantasy about a college student travelling through a magic city in the middle of the night for a slurpee from 7-11, my french teacher is the goat and gave me a 100 cuz he's awesome) . But I think overall I still try my best to keep up this reputation just because it does make me feel good about myself and I like feeling good about myself.
Online I started off with this idea of what tumblr was to me, a safe space to be completely goofy without keeping up this reputation. So I'm kind of ridiculous on here, I think sometimes I even act younger than I am, I'm not as intense as I was when I first started posting a year and a half ago but I think it's still a thing.
I think my humor on here is how I act with close friends. It doesn't matter if my close friends see me being extra goofy or intense or insane because they love me anyways, (and probably more important to my point:) a lot of my closest friends are in the same ap/honors classes as me so when I act ridiculous they still know that I'm a smart person who's just acting goofy for the love of the game.
I am also a very anxious person. Which is probably obvious from this. And also how I act in general. But that's probably important to mention. In inclined to worry what people think of me no matter what I do. Yay.
Idk, all of this to say: sometimes people will say something to me on here that makes me feel like I come off as less smart than I am? And my ego can't handle that so I get really anxious and try to overcompensate by mentioning the classes I'm in or how much I read or some other stupid thing (I do this irl too and I really try not to do it at all because I know I come off as incredibly annoying when I do so). Especially since a lot of my friends on here are so so smart. I want to be perceived like that too, but I spent so long trying to build up an online reputation of being goofy? And to be honest I don't even know if I'm actually that funny to begin with.
tldr: I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of trying to trick people into thinking I'm funny, and then getting anxious that people might not think I'm smart, then being really annoying trying to prove I AM smart, and then going back to trying to be funny again.
