#and bed

Emily’s voice was distant, buzzing in the back of Langa’s mind. The familiar voice aggravated him. It made him want to scream. It made him want to cry. He wanted to let it all out until everything disappeared. He wanted it all to go away, go back to the way things were before Emily got to Okinawa, back to when Langa felt nothing but numbness. Langa didn’t want to feel this anger. He wanted so desperately to feel nothing, just like before, because it was just easier. It was just easier to be numb, empty. No emotions, no feelings, no mess.

“Langa!”

Emily grabbed Langa’s arm only to shaken off rather violently. His grip on the door handle tightened as he turned to his cousin, anger burning his insides while he felt nothing but cold on the outside.

“Don’t touch me.”

“Langa, it’s been three days! I don’t even know why you hate me!”

She didn’t know what she did? She didn’t know that she had done the exact thing she had promised she’d never do? This had to be some kind of sick joke on her part.

“You fucking know what you did!”

The wild look in Emily’s eyes must have matched the one that was hazing Langa’s view. Everything was red and still in that moment. The distant honking, the cries of children, the sound of tires against the pavement, it all faded out the moment Langa snapped, whipping around to face his cousin. The whole world seemed to stop, cowering at the sight of Langa’s anger. Everything faded, everything except Emily whose usually bright expression turned to an icy glare.

“I actually fucking don’t, Langa! I fucking do not know what I did because you fucking won’t tell me! I didn’t fucking do anything, goddamn it! You’re just being a fucking ass and honestly, I don’t even think you know why you’re being such an insufferable bastard. And if you do happen to know why you’re being such an ass, well then enlighten me, Langa. Because I fucking don’t know why and I would fucking adore knowing why you’re making everyone miserable with your shitty attitude. So if you would be so kind as to tell me, that would be abso-fucking-lutely fantastic!”

Langa scoffed, folding his arms over his chest. He was making people miserable? He was the one with a shitty attitude? Clearly, Emily hadn’t looked in the mirror recently.

Langa felt the venom dripped from his lips as he spoke, hot and dangerous. He wasn’t known to be explosive and easily angered, but when he was, well, control and politeness were the last thing on his mind. The words were reckless, destructive, but there was no use keeping them like a caged bird.

“Rich coming from the reason why I’m miserable. Not that you would care. I should have known, there’s only this little brat of a princess in this world.”

“I’m the brat?” She held a hand to her heart as she scoffed. The smile on Emily’s face was nothing like Langa had ever seen. Maniacal would have been the right word to describe the look on her face. “Are you, are you hearing yourself? You refuse to talk to me for three days, purposely avoiding me, but I’m the brat?”

“Yeah, well you’re not the one who’s all alone! You still have everyone you love! You’re not losing everyone you’ve ever cared about!”

“Oh don’t fucking guilt trip me. The sad boy card isn’t going to work on me. I’m not gonna pity you just because boo-hoo, little Langa is sad and mommy isn’t here to kiss you better.”

“I don’t want your fucking pity, anyway.”

“Langa! Emily!”

Both turned to the open door where a furious-looking Nanako stood. Langa felt a chill through his whole body at the sight of his mother. His mother, the sweetest woman he had ever seen, though a little anxious when it came to raising her son, was looking downright terrifying at that moment. Her lips pulled into a frown, her chest heaving with what Langa guessed was anger. His mother who was usually so happy, even when she was tired, was glaring daggers at the two as she held the door open.

“In the apartment. Both of you. Now.”

Silence had fallen between the cousins, though the moment was still tense as they followed Nanako into the little apartment. Langa felt his nails digging into his palms, the anger still pulsing through his veins. Everything was hot, but he bit his tongue. He wouldn’t say anything. He wouldn’t make his mother angrier than she already was.

Langa followed Emily’s lead, dropping his body onto the opposite end of the couch. She wasn’t looking at him, refusing to acknowledge him, and once more, Langa was following her lead. If she didn’t want to see him, then neither did he. Yet, somehow, it was even worse looking at his mother standing in front of both of them, arms crossed as she tapped her foot repeatedly. The mixture of anger and annoyance and disappointment was a lot more than Langa could bear. He had never felt so small next to her. He had never felt so scared of his mother.

“So,” Nanako said calmly, though it was rather obvious that she was not pleased with either one of them. “Which one of you two is going to explain to me why I could hear you yelling at each other outside from my kitchen?”

“Langa’s being a bitch to me.”

“Emily, language. You are talking about my son.”

Emily huffed, something dangerously close to laughter, as she leaned into the armrest. “Exactly. He’s your son, so you’re gonna take his side no matter what. So what’s the use of this?”

Nanako sighed, her eyes falling shut as she pinched the bridge of her nose. She seemed too exasperated, so annoyed, so… Langa wasn’t sure. It was new, and not the good kind of new.

“You guys aren’t five anymore. You aren’t children fighting for the last candy bar. You are both adults and you should act like so. I’m not going to take anyone’s side, because I know you both have something to do with the situation. Neither one of you is some kind of innocent angel, but I just want to understand why it’s been hell in my home for the past three days. I want to understand why you,” the way Nanako’s eyes locked with Langa’s sent more chills down his spine as he straightened out, “have been avoiding your cousin like the plague. And you,” Emily recoiled when Nanako turned to her, “I want to know why you were swearing enough to put a sailor to shame and for the whole world to hear you. This is a quiet, residential area, not downtown Vancouver where you can barely hear the person you’re yelling at.”

Silence fell over the two once more. Neither one of them was ready to talk. Neither one of them was ready to explain anything. Langa knew he wasn’t in any condition to be rational and explain his side of the story. He knew the moment that he would be explaining anything, putting it all out, he would break down, though he wasn’t sure in which way. But he also knew that he had to be the bigger person. He had to break the silence.

“I’m sorry, mom. I’ve just…” Langa finally found the courage to find his mother’s eyes who seemed to have softened for him. “I’ve been a mess.”

Nanako sighed softly as Langa moved to his mother, arms wrapping around her while his head dropped onto her shoulder. His mother’s hugs had always had magical healing powers. They were always so calming. Warm and comforting.

“Kiss ass…”

Langa didn’t hesitate to snap back at his cousin, sending her an icy glare of his own. “Prissy bitch.”

“Enough!” Langa stumbled back as his mother snapped. “I have had enough of you two! Both of you, rooms. Now. Emily, mine. Langa, in your room.” Both stayed frozen, staring at Nanako who seemed unfazed by their big eyes. “I do not want to repeat myself. I want you both calmed down before dinner and you will be talking this through whether you like it or not.”

Nanako pushed her way to the kitchen, immediately reaching for her mug. She seemed strained, exhausted, but Langa couldn’t focus on that right now. His mind was on autopilot, his legs leading him to his room. Everything had numbed within, devoid of emotions. Langa felt like a child who’d gone to his room to pout. He felt ridiculous and childish.

Gently, he shut his door behind him, back pressed to the wood. He had wished he had the energy to be explosive like Emily who had slammed her door, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. All he wanted was to let out the remains of frustration that fizzled within him, but nothing seemed appealing enough. He wanted to slam his door. He wanted to scream. He wanted to cry and punch his pillow until he was completely exhausted. He wanted to be so physically strained that his body couldn’t withstand it anymore, completely passing out, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it.

He’d done it once as a teenager after a particularly bad snowboarding competition, kicking and hitting whatever he didn’t care for before sobbing uncontrollably into his pillow, but it hadn’t had the results he had hoped for. All it did was leave him exhausted and feeling even more miserable. Langa simply wasn’t explosive, not like Emily. It simply wasn’t the way for him to evacuate his frustration. He just… he needed to disassociate until everything felt almost okay.

Langa let his body flop onto his bed as he pulled his phone out from his pocket. More texts from Reki, though far less than usual. The first day Langa had felt the anger well up within him, Reki didn’t seem to have taken the hint, sending him dozens of skating reels as he always did. The second day, Reki started to worry, bombarding him with texts though the amount slowly diminished with every passing hour. Today, Langa’s inbox was nearly empty, though Reki was still persistent, sending him a text every few hours.

I don’t know what happened Langa, please tell me

I’m sorry Langa

Can you please answer me? At least tell me you’re ok?

I’m about to call your mom to make sure you’re not in the hospital or something

Langa please

Langa knew it wasn’t fair of him to be such a shut-in, refusing to tell anyone why it was he was mad, but he also knew he wasn’t ready to let it out. And given how he had snapped at Emily only moments ago, he wasn’t in the right mindset to be replying to Reki. He didn’t need to snap at yet another person.

Silence fell with Langa’s phone as he sank deeper into his mattress. Another day of silence, it seemed. It was what was best. Reki could finally spend time with his other friends instead of having Langa monopolize his time. He could finally find the time to talk to all the pretty girls around, tell him jokes, smile wider than ever as his fingers would intertwine with this faceless girl’s fingers. He’d be so thrilled to spend time with someone he liked. He’d be so thrilled to be able to hold hands, touch, kiss. Reki would finally be able to have that sweet first kiss he had been dreaming of. He’d finally have a chance to chase that dream, rather than limiting himself to a pathetic and clingy Langa. Langa who was so lonely in this dumb, stupid world. Reki didn’t have to be like that. He was allowed to have friendships, relationships outside of just Langa.

Langa rolled over, burying his face into his pillow as he groaned. The more he thought about Reki, the more he thought of the faceless girl that would be able to do everything Langa wanted to do with Reki, it drove him insane. Everything inside him twisted. He just felt sick. Pathetic. Useless. Ridiculous.

“Langa, baby?”

Langa lifted his head from his pillow, his eyes finding his mother standing in his doorway, two mugs in hand. With a curt nod of Langa’s, Nanako made her way into the room, putting down one of the mugs on the nightstand before settling at the end of the bed. She patted her son’s leg until he shifted into a sitting position, legs crossed on the bed. She pushed the mug she was holding into his hands with a kind smile.

“I made you hot chocolate since I know you’re not that big on tea. Thought you could use the pick-me-up.”

Langa mumbled out a thanks as he took a sip. Not quite like back in the day, not quite like the hot chocolates he would get after a long day on the slopes, but still sweet enough to fill him with a comforting warmth.

“What’s wrong, Langa? You’re not usually so…” Nanako chewed at her thumbnail, brows furrowed. “You’re usually a lot calmer than this,” she finally settled with.

Hearing his mother’s voice waver, it made Langa’s chest tighten. He could see it in her face, the exhaustion, the worry, the natural protectiveness of a mother. It was all there, staring straight at him. It was all there, making him choke up. Don’t cry. Don’t cry in your mother’s arms. You’re stronger than this. You’re not a baby anymore. Don’t sob. Don’t-

“I miss Dad.”

The words mixed with the tears streaming down his cheeks. Was that the real reason he felt like shit? In a sense, wasn’t that the root of all of this mess? The fear of losing yet another person he cared so deeply for? The fear of being all alone, completely destabilized by yet another loss? Wasn’t that the root of all his frustrations, his anger towards Emily, towards Reki, towards himself?

“Oh, baby…”

Langa hadn’t realized he had started shaking until his mother was praying the mug from his fingers before pulling him in for a hug. He hiccupped into her shoulder as she stroked his hair, pushing his bangs aside and hushing him as she had always done all those years ago. The gesture was comforting, soothing as it away had been. It made opening up just a little bit easier.

“I-!” Langa gasped, his grip on his mother’s sweater tightening. “I miss him… I miss him so much…”

“Sh, I know, I know.”

“I miss Canada… I, I miss my room and our house… I miss home, mom. I miss grandma and grandpa. I miss it all so much. All of it.”

Langa peeled himself off of his mother to wipe his tears away. It had been so long since the last time he had sobbed into his mother’s shirt, soaking it threw with his salt tears. It was like when he was a kid, back in the park after he fell from the swings, scrapping his knee in the sand. The pain was unbearable at the moment, but slowly it faded, dissipating with every stray tear. But unlike a physical wound, this cut much deeper, hurt a lot more. This was a wound that had been left untreated for far too long.

“I miss the noise of the city and the snow and the cold. I miss…” Langa hiccupped again, his chest heaving. “I miss it all. I miss not having to translate everything because the only people who actually spoke Japanese to me were just grandma and grandpa. I miss not being so behind on everything. I miss being able to write normally and when reading wasn’t a struggle. I just…” Langa wiped the last few straw tears away, having finally calmed down completely. “I miss being myself.”

“But you are you, baby,” Nanako said, cupping Langa’s face and stroking his cheek. “You’ve been smiling so much lately. Well, except the last couple of days, but you’ve been smiling so much. So much more than I’ve seen you in a long time. You know,” Nanako chuckled to herself, her expression soft and loving, “I was so scared that it would be like in Canada where you were so afraid to talk to kids your age. I just thought you were a shy kid and that was why you would hide behind me or your dad whenever people talked to you, but then you were 14 and still doing it. I just wanted you to have friends your own age, real friends, kids you would hang out with after school and play dumb games with. And now you do! You have Reki! You don’t know how happy it makes me to see you have a friend, Langa. You don’t know how happy I am to see you be, well… you.”

Had he really been himself with Reki? Langa felt like he was being so deceitful, so not himself around Reki. Or maybe he was being himself, but also concealing the big parts of himself? There was so much more to Langa. So much, but nothing that he could bring himself to tell.

“I can’t…” Langa felt his throat clog up, but still, he persisted. “I can’t tell him- He still doesn’t know that I’m- I- He-!”

“You’ll figure it out, I know you will. I know because you are my son and I know that my son can do whatever he sets his mind to.” A small smile tugged on the corners of Langa’s mouth as his mother gave his shoulders a reassuring squeeze. “Things will be alright, I know they will.”

Langa didn’t resist when Nanako pressed a kiss in his hair, whispering an ‘I love you’ as she had once had the habit of doing. Every night, Langa had needed his good night kiss. He had needed it to fall asleep, at least until he was 11 and had decided that kisses were for babies and moms weren’t cool anymore. At least, that’s what he had heard in the playground in school at the time.

Deep down, Langa wished she had continued pressing kisses to his head and cheeks despite his youthful protests. If she had continued, or if he hadn’t been so stubborn, then maybe things wouldn’t be so tense. Now days, Nanako didn’t give him much physical affection. Smiles and reminders that she loved him still happened nearly on the daily, but hugs between them were scarce and kisses even rarer. But now, a warm feeling swelled inside of Langa as Nanako held him, showering him with affection like when he was a child. It was a nice feeling, one Langa had forgotten. It was a really nice feeling.

“So, will you finally tell me why you were screaming at your cousin outside?”

Right, the argument with Emily. Langa had almost forgotten about it. He’d been so caught up in his own head that he had forgotten that the scream-fest right outside the apartment complex was the reason why he was cooped up in his room, isolated from everyone. He had forgotten about the bubbles of anger in the pit of his stomach.

Langa swallowed. The reason was ridiculous, the more he thought of it.

“Reki hit on her?”

The words sounded far worse once they were out in the open. Not only did it sound absolutely ridiculous, but saying them also forced Langa to relive the scene. Relive the smiles. Relive the laughing. Relive the teasing. The obvious chasing. The buzzing. The ringing. The panicking. The blurring. The leaving. The running. The crying. Thinking back was worse than living the situation. Thinking back forced Langa to acknowledge what had happened, searing the images in his mind. Another nightmare come true.

“Oh, baby, are you sure?”

The laughter felt like venom dripping from Langa’s lips, bitter and angry. Was he sure? Certain. There was no doubt in Langa’s mind that Reki had been flirting with his cousin. He’d seen him try to flirt in the past; this was exactly it. And Emily? Well, Langa hadn’t stuck around long enough to know what she did, locking himself in the backroom before he could be sick.

“Have you tried talking to Reki at all?”

“What am I supposed to say?” Nanako barely reacted as Langa threw his hands up in the air before crashing back into his mattress, hands gripping at his hair. “Hey, could you not hit on my cousin and maybe flirt with me like instead? Can we pretend that I’m a pretty girl that you could love? Can’t you see how absolutely broken I am? How,” the laughter was hysterical, tears welling at the corner of Langa’s eyes once more, “how fucked up I am in the head? How I’m not normal for… for this mess? Because I’m, I’m…”

Langa gasped for air. He was suffocating. Everything was so small, closing up on him. He needed air. He needed to be outside. He had to be out in the open. This room, it felt like a cage. It was trapping him, choking him.

Nanako’s hand on his leg pulled him out of his spiraling, the warm motherly touch like a safe space. “You’re none of that, baby. You know you’re none of that.”

“Why can’t I just be like all the other guys and like girls? It would be so much easier.”

Never in his entire life did Langa think he would have uttered those words. For so long, he had been proud of his sexuality. He had embraced it right away, not shying away from the fact that he liked boys. He had never felt the need to hide that part of himself. So what if he liked guys? If people couldn’t accept that, then Langa didn’t want them anywhere near him. He had never gone through any phase of denial. He had never tried to convince himself that he liked girls. He had never wished for himself to be straight. His sexuality, he had never desired to change it to fit the “norm.” But now? No, he didn’t want to change – not that he could – but maybe it would have been easier if he had just liked girls. Or it would have been easier if he just didn’t like Reki as much as he did.

“You know it doesn’t work like that.”

“I’m painfully aware.”

Nanako sighed as she got up from the bed. She gave Langa’s leg one last comforting pat before sending him a smile. Langa had never realized how lucky he was to have her as a mother.

“I’m going to go check on your cousin, see if she’s a little calmer, and go make dinner. If you need me, you know where to find me.” She pushed the door open before turning back to her son with the same soft smile she always wore for him. “You can always talk to me, Langa. I know it might be weird for you to talk about this kind of thing with your mother, and I don’t even know if I’ll know what to tell you or if I’ll be able to answer your every question, but I’m here for you. I love you, my son. I love you so much, baby.”

“I love you too, mom.”

“You’re perfect. You’re not broken. Don’t you ever forget that.”

Langa sighed as Nanako shut the door behind her. You’re not broken. The words rang in Langa’s ears. You’re perfect. He definitely didn’t feel perfect. He was a mess. There was so much he could do to fix himself. There was so much he could do to change himself. Maybe if he was a little more like how people wanted him, maybe then would things be a little easier?

There was a buzzing in his ears. It echoed through the room, a rhythmic buzz against the wood. And it buzzed, and buzzed, and buzzed and… His phone!

Langa fished under his bed, looking for wherever his phone had fallen earlier. It wasn’t too hard to find, the screen lighting up between stray socks and t-shirts he had kicked under his bed in an attempt of cleaning his room. Hastily, he grabbed it, his eyes falling on Reki’s contact picture that was flashing across the screen, his immortalized grin directed right at Langa. A small smile traced Langa’s lips as he stared at the screen. It was a smile just for him. A grin that no one else got to see. It was the brightest, widest grin Langa had ever seen in his life and Langa simply remembered having to pull his phone out to take the picture. Why Reki was grinning, Langa couldn’t remember. The memory had turned hazy with time. Maybe he had pulled off a trick he had been practicing for hours, days, weeks. Or maybe he had gotten a good grade on a test. All Langa knew was that the smile was bright and all-!

The phone stopped buzzing in Langa’s hand, the screen fading to black once more. Only one thing flashed before everything vanished: Missed call from Reki. It was a call. Reki had called him. Reki never called. And Langa had missed his only chance to talk to Reki.

Mortified didn’t even begin to describe what Langa was feeling. He had been so caught up in staring at this best friend, at a stupid contact picture of his best friend that he hadn’t even registered that it had been a call. He was so mesmerized by Reki’s stupidly adorable grin that he had forgotten to answer his fucking phone! Because he was a dumbass. Because he was a dumbass who was in far too deep.

Langa’s screen lit up once more, Reki’s name reappearing.

Sorry, guess you’re busy

I just miss you

Langa’s insides tightened once again, his heart skipping a beat. Reki missed him. Reki wanted to talk to him. Reki wanted to hear his voice. Langa wanted to hear Reki’s voice. No, he needed to hear Reki’s voice. He needed to call him back. He needed to do something.

Clumsy fingers unlocked the phone before frantically scrolling through the ungodly amount of apps that needed to be deleted, but that could wait. Right now, only one thing rang in Langa’s head. Phone. Reki. Phone. Reki. Nothing besides calling Reki mattered.

“Langa?”

The wave of relief that hit Langa was nothing to be proud of, but it was there, making Langa grin. Reki’s voice came through the phone only an instant later. The phone had barely rung once that the call was being picked up, Reki’s voice filling Langa’s head. Reki’s voice. Reki who was Langa’s anchor, whether he knew it or not.

“Hey.”

Langa felt his voice crack on the word. No matter how relieving it was to hear Reki, something choked Langa from the inside. Relief crashed against his ribs, but something also stabbed. Something hurt. Something made Langa’s inside twist. Reki was everything he wanted. His voice was the only thing he wanted to hear, and yet… yet it hurt so bad. Reki…

“Are you alright? You sound,” there was a pause, a deafening silence between the two, “you sound like you just cried.”

It was almost scary at how easily Reki would pick up on things. He didn’t even need to be near Langa to know what was going on. He didn’t need to see the puffy red eyes or the heaving chest or the tear-stained cheeks. Just one word and Reki knew. Just one crack of his voice and Reki had him all figured out. Well, almost all figured out. If Reki really could read Langa like an open book, then the whole situation would have been avoided. It Reki knew everything, then he’d have known about Langa’s big, dumb crush.

“I’m fine. Why’d you call?” A pause. “You never call.”

“Just wanted to check up on you. You just seem to be avoiding me since our last shift and I don’t really know why, but I know it’s something I did or I said some dumb shit as usual since,” the short, choked laugh of Reki’s killed Langa from the inside, “you know, I’m dumb and all and I really just- I’m sorry, Langa.”

“You don’t even know why you’re apologizing.”

“I hurt you somehow and I want to apologize for that. Maybe I don’t know what I did, but I know I did something. So much is obvious. So if you could tell me so I never do it again, well… Please tell me what I did wrong?”

So I never do it again. If only Reki knew. If only knew what it was that had started this whole mess. But never doing what he did was impossible. And if it was possible, it wouldn’t have been fair to Reki. He couldn’t just stop flirting with people, with girls he liked just because Langa wanted to be the center of his universe. Reki was allowed to find someone to eventually love.

“You didn’t do anything. I’ve just been having bad days.”

“Is that why you’re crying?”

Crying? Langa wasn’t crying anymore. Maybe before, when his mom was in the room, but now he- oh.

Instinctively, Langa touched his damp cheek. More tears. More pathetic tears.

“I’m coming over, Langa. I need to see you. I can’t leave you like this.”

“Please don’t come,” Langa managed to choke out between his muffled sobs.

“Langa, please…”

Oh, there was nothing worse than hearing Reki pleading to be let in. Reki wasn’t one to push, he let things happen when their time was right, but he also knew first hand what it was like to be hurt by his best friend. He knew what it was like to be hurt by Langa. And he had sworn that he wouldn’t hurt Langa, but if he had the misfortune of breaking that promise, he would be there to make things better. He would be the shoulder Langa could cry one. Reki had promised that, Reki who knew how much is sucked to be crying alone.

“Langa, can I please come over?”

“Okay.”

It was barely over a whisper, barely out in the world, but Reki had heard him. That was all that mattered. All that ever mattered was that Reki was there.

Langa wasn’t sure when Reki left his house, but he knew that he was outside under the setting sun. Through the phone, Langa could hear the swooshing of the wind as Reki continued talking about everything and nothing. Langa had expected him to hand up before making his way towards the apartment, but Reki never ended the call. He held a conversation with himself, retelling funny stories that Langa had already heard but still made him laugh weakly. Stories about work, stories about his sisters, stories about S or their friends, Reki told them all. And he didn’t stop, he talked by himself, non-stop, without a hint of discomfort or awkwardness. Another talent of Reki’s, Langa had established.

There was a light knock on Langa’s door before it creaked open. Amber eyes and a pretty smile. A pretty smile all for Langa. A pretty smile that wasn’t for Langa. A pretty smile that filled Langa with joy. A pretty smile that filled him with hurt and dread.

“What happened to you, man?”

Langa rolled over, sitting against his wall, while Reki sank into the mattress, pulling his knees to his chest. What had happened to Langa? Everything. Nothing. A lifetime had happened to him in only a few years, a few months, a few days, a few hours… So much had happened to him, yet nothing that could be said. Nothing he could tell Reki.

“Just in a mood,” Langa said with a shrug, hoping, praying that his voice wasn’t betraying him.

“Is it something I said? I know I can be an idiot sometimes, and I-!”

“You’re not an idiot, Reki. Don’t ever say that about yourself. You’re not dumb or idiotic or any of those things. You’re amazing. You’re… I’m the idiot.”

Silence fell between the two, but not the usual comfortable silence Langa was used to. It was tense and thick enough to slice with a knife. It was one of the worse things Langa had experienced in a long time.

“When she let me in, your mom said that you got into a fight with your cousin and that that’s why you’re all…” Reki gestured vaguely in Langa’s direction. “And I just… Is it because I suggested teaching her how to skate?”

Yes.

“No.”

Reki was pulling at the sleeve of his hoodie, his eyes big and round and pained. He almost looked scared, like a kicked puppy.

“Because it’s just that she seemed so bored and I know that skating cheered you up, so I thought that maybe it would also cheer her up? And I don’t know, but I thought that maybe she’d pick it up as quickly as you and get to feel free? Because you don’t have to talk when you skate? And also, it would be so cool if she did, ‘specially since we don’t know any girls that skate?”

“Koyomi skates.”

“Yeah, but that’s my little sister! That’s not cool!”

“Emmy’s my cousin. What’s the difference between her and Koyomi?”

Reki chewed at his lip. He had no answer. Langa had expected so much. He knew the reason why Reki wanted Emily to take up skating.

“It’s because you like her, isn’t it?”

Langa hadn’t meant the sound so pained, but he couldn’t bare it anymore. He couldn’t bottle it up anymore. The uncertainty, the possibility, it was slowly killing him. But now, now that it was out in the open, maybe he could finally grieve properly. Now that Reki would be agreeing, Langa could finally let his feelings die down, finally move on from whatever little hope he clung onto so desperately. Because Reki liked girls. Reki liked Emily.

“No! Yes? I don’t know, man. She’s cool and all, but I, I just… do I like her?”

Langa shrugged. His head was saying yes, but his heart was screaming no. There would be no consensuses between those two fundamental parts of himself. There was no way they could agree. Rationality and feelings rarely agreed with each other.

“Emily’s really cool and all,” Reki started, still fiddling with the sleeve of his hoodie, “and despite it being a little difficult to talk to her since, you know, language and all, I still do like hanging out with her. Hanging out with her, talking to her, I don’t know, she reminds me of you?”

Emily reminded Reki of Langa. Emily and Langa, the cousins who were polar opposites. Somehow, Reki saw some Langa in Emily. And by that standard, he saw some Emily in Langa.

“How?”

Reki burst out laughing at Langa’s bewilderment, hiding his face in his hands.

“I don’t know? You two are just… You’re both so stupidly stubborn and reckless. And neither one of you care what others’ think of you. Okay, so you’re a lot more polite than she is – I have never actually seen someone flip a person off in the streets, but I guess the guy did deserve it – but you both still stand up for yourselves. And you’re both so impulsive and just… I don’t know! You’re just similar!”

Similar. Langa and Emily. Emily who was the exact definition of a loving extrovert. Emily who lived on a stage. Emily who made a show out of everything she did. Emily who lived to be the center of attention. How was she and Langa anything alike? Langa who dreaded being around other people. Langa who hated talking. Langa who didn’t give a shit about what people thought of him because he just rather people not think of him at all. Langa who panicked so easily but never showed it. They were, by definition, polar opposites. South and north. Hot and cold.

“You are insane, Reki.”

“Gee,” Reki rubbed at his nose, chuckling, “thanks man. Real good for the self-esteem there.”

Langa tensed. Another difference between him and Emily. She was amazing with people, while Langa was shit. He always managed to say the wrong thing. He always managed to make things even worse.

“I’m kidding! Dude, I’m just joking. Don’t have to freak out!”

Reki’s voice faded out as warmth wrapped around Langa’s shoulder. Oh. A hug. Reki was hugging him, his strong arms holding Langa tightly against his chest. Hesitantly, Langa’s arms looped around Reki’s waist, hugging back.

“You mean everything to me,” he said into Reki’s shoulder in English. Japanese was just too hard. The words flowed easier in English as he squeezed his eyes shut, refusing to stain Reki’s sweater with tears. He knew his voice was wobbly, but he didn’t want to think about it. Langa did not want to think at all. “You’re my everything, my favorite person, my only person. You’re the only person I like. You’re the most amazing person I know and you’re just so great, I don’t know what I’d do without you. So please,” another gasp, “please don’t leave me. Please… You’re just… you’re everything.”

“Huh?”

Reki gave Langa an awkward pat on the shoulder as Langa’s fingers dug into the fabric of the hoodie. He could feel himself shaking as he clung onto Reki. But he couldn’t let go. Not yet. He needed Reki just for one more moment.

“I… have no idea what you just said, dude. And here I thought Emily spoke fast. Man, I couldn’t even tell where the separations between the words were!”

“S’fine,” Langa said, returning to Japanese. “It was nothing. Just dumb stuff. Nothing important.”

Reki gave Langa one last pat on the back before pulling back, creating a distance between the two. The smile he was sending Langa was like the morning sun, warm and beautiful. A smile just for Langa.

“If you say so. But,” Reki rubbed his neck sheepishly, a grin to match, “I should head out now. Man, I was so worried about you that I skipped dinner at my place.”

“You can eat with us. I’m sure there will be enough.”

“But-!”

“Please?” Langa hadn’t even registered when his hand had found Reki’s arm, his fingers curling around the boy’s wrist. “For all the time I’ve eaten at your place, stay this one time?”