#always am

this episode is so fucking sad. i remember when i was first watching supernatural and it nearly destroyed me to see dean, just back from hell, terrified and anxious and, as he says, with his "head on the chopping block, again." the you're dying... again... loser scene is so viscerally SAD! (also the deleted scene with audio over that part. help help help!)

and i'm not usually one to comment on this stuff but like... so much of dean's fear and distress in this episode is played for laughs.... why is it played for laughs?

he's been back from hell for, what, a few weeks (resurrected on sep 18, 4.05 is oktoberfest, 4.07 is halloween) and he's been struggling with emotional regulation the whole time. this episode is where we really see how much dean is relying on alcohol to manage.

cause he's really, really, really scared of going back. this drives home that dean "always am" (15.16) winchester was always under there. he expresses so much fear here - not only about this case but about their whole lives, everything he has been experiencing. he's voicing thoughts that clearly predate the ghost sickness. he really is always kinda scared and always putting on a show and/or powering through it. but here he's too lost and it's too loud for him to mask it fully. he flees frantically from a small dog (dean's hellhound trauma ow ow ow); he grabs for and clings to a bible; he wiggles evocatively and terribly out of lillith's arms. and still he manages the decency of using a blanket to cover the body of the sheriff who came to kill him. and he tries to help with the case even as he's falling apart; he mans the flashlight.

but this whole experience is so effecting and undoing to him that over ten years later, he describes it to lee as one of the most memorable?/worst?/superlative in some way cases he ever worked (15.07):

DEAN: Ghost sickness. LEE: Ghost sickness? DEAN: Ghost sickness. Man, it was no fun. Everything was scary. This cat jumped out at me, had me checking my pants. I'm not joking. It was awful, man. Whew!

i do have to say i kinda breaks my heart to see how harsh sam is with him (sam having limited patience for dean's vulnerabilities dates back to 1.04 and is extremely present here and in 12.11). and it kinda breaks my heart how much the conversation at the end of the episode with sam and bobby is an exercise in dean having to layer all his masks (and masculinity) back on.

SAM: Yeah. How you feeling, by the way? DEAN: Fine. BOBBY: You sure, Dean? 'Cause this line of work can get awful scary. DEAN: I'm fine. You want to go hunting? I'll hunt. I'll kill anything. BOBBY: Awwww, he's adorable. I got to get out of here. You boys drive safe.

if we're doing a layersnatural reading, we will notice he's only wearing on layer of clothing in that scene; his vulnerabilities are right on the surface.

i feel like a lot of words have already been spent talking about why the ghost goes after dean in the first place; his job means he's inherently often scaring people even when he doesn't want to, it's reacting to him torturing souls in hell, maybe he really is just a dick (he's not). but to me it seems likely that the ghost is latching onto feelings of guilt in those it targets. dean's feeling throughout this season (this show, his life...) is that he deserves punishment for the things he holds himself (overly) responsible for. is it any wonder that ghost looking for vengeance latches onto that?

anyway, liddol :C