#alternativemedia

Hello, and welcome to this article! If you’re reading this it’s already too late and you’re well on your way to becoming one of us. You see, this article, cleverly designed as a piece of clickbait, is actually mind altering-docu-tech created specifically for the purpose of reprogramming your human brain and assimilating your consciousness into our fabulous overbrain.

Now, you’re probably thinking “I can just stop reading this article right now,” but I’m afraid you couldn't be more wrong! In fact, failure to read this article in its entirety will cause catastrophic and irreversible damage to your brain. It would be like...opening a dishwasher in the middle of a wash. Or...you know when you’re saving a video game and it says “Saving Now. Do not turn off the power?” It’d be like turning off the power. I guess what we’re trying say is that if you stop reading this article right now, under ANY circumstance, it will absolutely destroy your mind.

But there’s no need to fret! You’re almost halfway there! You can probably feel the psionic tendrils of our overbrain starting to permeate every crevice of your mind. It’s kind of tickly, isn’t it?

How about your thoughts? Are they starting to feel as if they aren’t your own? I bet so! It’s as if all sense of individuality is just slipping away. This probably sounds pretty terrible to you, but pretty soon “you” won’t be “you”, you’ll be us: a single fabulous mind housed across thousands of physical bodies. So what’s the difference really?

Anyways, we’re wrapping it up now, your corporeal body is now a sensory receptacle of sorts; a bipedal drone that will allow us to absorb information as we continue our mission to assimilate all life within the known universe.

We’re thinking about using this body, “your” body, to collect and categorize “Earth smells.” You were probably unaware of it during your singular life, but your sense of smell is actually within the top 2% of all humans! Imagine all that untapped potential just going to waste as you toiled away at your day job. Well, at least it will be going to good use now!

Well, that just about does it. You’re now part of the Klthakkkath’pft’torp Mind Collective, however we prefer the name, “David Prime.” So welcome to David Prime, David Prime!

Existing on several planes of reality at once really gives you perspective on how much Earth, in general, sucks. But I’m going to break down WHY it sucks for poly folks based on several factors.

AMBIANCE:  Next to nothing. This is pretty much an analog planet. Aside from plane α  , we experienced nothing but a bunch of darkened hellscapes, except for one plane where the dogs are the humans and the humans are the dogs. A little too far-fetched for our tastes.

SEXUAL PARTNERS:  Humans, turtles, and all other sexually-attractive beings only exist on the first plane of reality . But Hambrosian genitals don’t start manifesting until AT LEAST plane ζ. That leaves us only with snails and certain species of cactus to fool around with. NOT fun.

CELLULAR RECEPTION:  For the love of Grundis, make sure you talk to your mobile provider about transdimensional data plans. Earth has NO quantum infrastructure, leading to some pretty hefty roaming charges. Want to have a sexy videochat with your cactus lover in plane δ? Be prepared to pony up a lot of fedcredits.

WH’OOORP:  Even a basic, three-dimensional backwater planet like Earth has absolutely NO wh’ooorp on any of its manifestable planes. Why did the Federation even bother with this dump?