#almostkiss

You said my laptop had a virus. Said you’d help me get rid of it.

You swung by, all nonchalant—jacket half-off, that crooked smirk on your face.

But let’s be honest, Elena.

You weren’t there to fix my computer.

You wanted to see me.

You wanted to touch something, didn’t you?

Anything.

The air between us was thick. One brush of your fingers on the trackpad and I forgot what we were even talking about.

You stood behind me.

Too close.

Breath hot on my neck.

And still... you didn’t pull me in.

Did I want you to?

Would I have made out with you, right there on my couch?

I guess we’ll never know.

But sometimes…

He shouldn’t have said that. He shouldn’t have let those words pass through his lips. He shouldn’t have even been thinking them. The sight that made him say those words were still in front of him, but when before they had made something settle in him, made him lose focus of where he was and what his mind was thinking, now the only thing ran through his body was panic.

The eyes still glimmered but there was a stillness to the warm body next to him. His words hadn’t affected him alone. They had been having fun on the expense of the couples that milled about in the park they were in. They hadn’t intended to spend their day in a park but Ashutosh’s car had started having problems halfway and they had to make a stop before continuing to the party. They had left it in the garage and decided to walk around in the park nearby. The way Ashutosh’s gaze was crawling all over the mechanic’s ass, he was sure that the guy didn’t mind that he had been left alone. 

The park had been decorated for Valentine’s. There were festival lights draped over trees and in some places the lawn tables had been covered with blankets and though it was also lit by the little lights, the space was secluded enough for a couple to feel cozy. He and Kunal had shared a bittersweet expression at that, knowing that even if it was an open invitation for couples to have a romantic evening, if any two guys tried to do just that, there would be judgement in half the people’s eyes.

The environment had still relaxed him, the company itself helping him a lot. It was really Kunal’s fault for asking that question. 

“Rihan, how would you rather spend your Valentine’s?”

It was a general question. Everyone asks this question at least once on this day and his answer would either be something amusingly self-deprecating or something that would show how he couldn’t care less.

At least that’s what should have happened.

But he had looked at the man sitting beside him. All his features had been seared in his mind through years of companionship and from the time when they had tumbled in bed together. But in the glow of those lights, in the serene silence of the park with his heart beating a different rhythm and the eyes glimmering as they looked ahead, something had made him forget. 

He had forgotten his fears of rejection and the denial that he was carrying. He had been a nervous boy once, believed that even though society wouldn’t accept him yet, one day he will find someone. His belief had been broken by the harsh reality of life. The LGBT community was accepting, but it had its own vices. The nervous boy had been forgotten, he had learnt the ways of life in big cities. Grindr, meet up, fucking and goodbye, that had been his life for at least three years now.  Everyone felt alone but nobody said it. And so, he had accepted this change, he had learnt. 

The nervous boy was back though. The words were one thing but the nervousness that was easily detectable in his voice, that made it all the more real. It’s not like he hadn’t said those words before. They were easy to type and send, the sender and receiver both knowing it was superficial. But this time he had said it and there was no doubt that he meant it.

“Like this, with you always beside me.”

It was such a cheesy and used up line and it still didn’t matter because it was true, truer than anything original or fancy he could come up with.

Kunal still hadn’t said anything and he didn’t have the courage to even speak another word. He wondered why there was a shy princess inside him instead of the Queen who always slays. He dreaded what the next words would be that the person beside him. He also wondered how far he would get if he started running right now. 

They stayed in silence while the low murmurs of couples surrounded them. It was a relief that he couldn’t make out any word. He didn’t wanna hear romantic accomplishments when he himself felt like turning into a puddle.

There was a shift beside him and he felt a finger touch his left-hand knuckles. His eyes stayed ahead, too afraid to meet the eyes that he loved looking at.

“Rihan”

His breathing almost stopped at the way his name sounded. The voice itself was throaty as if there was a dam of feelings that he was trying to tamp down. If his own voice had been full of nervousness then Kunal’s voice sounded nearly wrecked. When he, at last, found the courage to look him in the eye, he saw that the lights in his eyes shined brighter, the unshed moisture making it shimmer. And he knew….

They were both boys today, fumbling with their hearts, scratching their head and trying to find the right words because they hadn’t been taught how to express this, the feeling that existed between them.