#allmessedup

Hello guys, hope you had a bearable day.

After I really sucked at trying to introduce you to my blog yesterday I am going to try it again now. I’ve decided to start from that point I realized that I’m into something weird and maybe about to need help. So here we go.

It started when I was in my hometown for a few days and was about to drive back to where I live and study. You really can’t imagine how much shit happened through that few days I was there. I was drunk like nearly everyday the time I was there and as I know I’m not able to control my amount of emotions and thoughts when I’m drunk. But I get drunk because I get a feeling of alleviation when I do. - Does that make any sense?

The following is just an example at how good I am at messing things completely up and not necessary for the point I was telling you about:

(So I got drunk a lot and started doing stuff like throwing an old shopping list with my phone number on its back into my ex-boyfriends mailbox. And yup, I know that’s very creepy but I really felt like I have to do that to get over him and so I did. I wasn’t that convinced of that idea when I woke up the next day - as expected. But here we are again - losses. Because it’s not like we split up yesterday, it’s like 6 months ago. The other thing was, that I had a boyfriend in a long-distance relationship which made my situation even worse because now I was scared about my ex-boyfriends reaction (he didn’T call but I will come to this another time) plus I really had to break up with the other guy, who was -by the way- the nicest guy you can imagine. But I am -being me- ruining everything that nearly would be good for me. So that’s what I did the next day, the breakup. It was not a big deal for me because obviously I was still into my ex-boyfriend. But I felt terrible because I just broke the nicest guy in the world while realizing I just dated him because I felt alone. And I didn’t realize it.)

Well this is just a fragment of what happened in my hometown and how I expertly messed up my whole life again before driving back again and being alone. And those first 3 nights have been the worst of my whole life I think. It started the first night. I woke up at like 3 A.M. shaking and sweating thinking about nothing else than killing myself. I didn’t even want to think about it. But it was just stuck in my head and I always had to illustrate it in my head. The next thought and illustration just went to my mother and my brother crying and trying to get over it. For unbearable 3 and a half hours this went on and on and I wasn’t able to control it. The worst thing was, that I only started crying when thinking of my family, how much it would hurt them. And I was just scared. Scared of myself. Scared, because it was not the first time I thought about this and illustrated it. But I always was able to say “No, you would never do this, think of your family. Stop that.” But this time I was not. It felt like I’ve already done it.

The next day I was not able to go to university. I wasn’t even able to take a shower. I got a headache when I just thought of getting up and brushing my teeth. It was too much. I felt like I just wouldn’t to it, like I was too weak. That feeling went on for the next three days including problems falling asleep and so on. That was the moment I decided I really need help because I realized  that wasn’t the first time I had moments like this - it just never went this far - but got worse every time.

Enough for today. I’m going to try again tomorrow because there’s so much more and this is so messed up again. There are so many things and situations right now, that I’m about realize that it was always there and that there’s so much wrong.

See you tomorrow guys.