So while reading Halo Effect, I naturally became obsessed with the one (1) Jewish character who turns up twice, one as a brief mention and one to write a single letter. Because I am extremely normal, I am writing a fic about him. Technically I've only written the first half (the second half is Peter and Thomas meeting up with him), but it's self-contained. It's been written for literal years, so I figure I should at least post it on tumblr. I hope you enjoy it, @alex51324!! (Also I haven't Yiddishised the Hebrew yet because I only know the standard pronunciation but I'm going to get someone to do it before I post it on AO3.) Hopefully this is comprehensible to non-Jews?? Please let me know if not.
Is it breaking a mitzvah if I say mourner's kaddish for someone who might not be mourned otherwise without a minyan? At most, there's a Green who has a J on his identity disc on one of the wards, but he's currently on so much morphine I don't think he'd remember the words, Issac wrote to his father once he finally got back to his unit. Honestly, he didn't much care what his father wrote back ā if God didn't like him saying kaddish for Fitz, God could come down here and tell him what alternative he had. He asked his father to send a candle so he could light it for Fitz, but crossed it out and asked him for ten candles. Fitz may have been the first, but he sure as hell wouldn't be the last.
The news of Fitzās death had preceded Issacās return, but nobody had touched Fitzās belongings yet. Cruelly, the most essential things, the things that meant most to him, had gone down with him, but Rouse eventually laid out everything that was in Fitzās rucksack so they could decide what they should send back to his family ā well, his brother. Fitz had said he didnāt have any other family left.Ā
They decided theyād split his cigarettes between them ā Scogs tried to crack a joke about how Fitz had always been so free with his cigarettes it was almost like he wasnāt gone, but he trailed off, and no one laughed. His large collection of letters went in his rucksack, of course (he seemed to get them constantly, all from different people; sometimes he had even acted as some kind of go-between, passing on information from one letter-writer to another, as if they couldnāt just write to each other themselves). The scarf heād worn every day from Christmas until mid-April, when even he couldnāt deny it was too hot, went in as well ā Issac had always thought privately that it was fairly ugly, but then again, if he tried to knit a scarf it would probably turn out much the same.Ā
Dawson got Fitzās copy of Prester John out of his own pack and removed his bookmark before handing it over to Rouse. āHeās made some little notes in it,ā he said. āNothing all that interesting yet as I can see, but it doesnāt feel right to keep it.ā
Rouse packed it and Scogs didnāt mention that he had been next in line to read it. One of them could write home to get another copy, probably. Issac was sure he could ā he had already received several yellowbacks which heād left in the break room once everyone had read them so they could find a new home. Fitzās sewing kit, playing cards and the various other things heād been sent went on top and by the time they were done there was an all-too-noticeable hole where Fitz had once slept.Ā
It was only then that Issac noticed Rouse had gained corporalās stripes. It made sense ā Fitz needed replacing and Rouse was an obvious choice, being the smartest of the lot of them. He congratulated him, but Rouse wasnāt offended that he didnāt quite hit the right tone and his smile didnāt reach his eyes. Rouseās didnāt, either.
When he arrived at the wards for his next shift, Captain Russell clapped him on the shoulder and gave him an extra ration of brandy. And then they just had to get on with it.
Fitzās brother never replied to the letter he sent, so Issac kept saying kaddish for him past the thirty days that were traditional. He knew there were lots of reasons he might not have written ā maybe it got lost, or he didnāt want to hear from Issac, or any number of perfectly innocent explanations, but as Issac watched men die day after day he couldnāt stop thinking about how if Fitzās brother was dead, there was no one to remember Fitz as family.Ā
He said it for eleven months, as he would for a brother ā four months longer than heād known him. About six months in, Rouse wrote to him saying that heād been stationed with Fitzās brother at a CCS. He was a corporal, apparently, and Rouse said he reminded him of Fitz ā that they said some of the same things, though in temperament they were pretty different. The war dragged on.
He kept a list of people in his units who died as he transferred from place to place, but it quickly became clear that he couldn't light a candle for each of them. The list just kept going, a litany of names followed by the date of their death in the Gregorian and Hebrew calendars. Jerry Scoggins, 30 September 1915/22 Tishrei 5676. Billy Dawson, 2 October 1915/25 Tishrei 5676. Fred Keighery, 4 February 1916/30 Shevat 5676... It felt like keeping track of their yahrzeits was more of a motivation to note the Hebrew date than keeping the holidays, since it wasnāt like he could, not really. Even as he tried to pray every day for whatever service he had free, the words of the festival services just made him homesick, and he didnāt have any of the things you should have: matzah or his motherās blintzes or a lulav.Ā
He wrote to Moishe about studying the RAMC periodicals at Shavuot instead of Torah; it felt... oddly fitting. He knew, logically, that this war was man's fault and God didn't have anything to do with it, but that didn't provide any comfort when he was on death watch, sitting beside a man who gasped as he drowned on dry land. If the only control he had in this hell was giving two fingers to God, then he was going to take it.Ā
His father sent him a machzor so he could pray Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, but he got to Unetaneh Tokef and didn't even have the energy to be embarrassed when someone found him crying ten minutes later. Reciting the ways people would die in the coming year ā who by water, who by fire, who by sword and who by wild beast ā felt absurd when he could list just as many from who was on the wards. Who by phosgene, who by sepsis, who by bullets? And for the machzor to claim that repentance, prayer and righteousness averted the severity of the decree ā that sure hadnāt fucking worked for the soldiers getting killed. It hadnāt worked for Fitz or Scoggins or Keighery orāĀ
By the end of 1917 he could no longer go over the top, having lost his hearing in his left ear from a shell exploding too close. The letters he received detailing how his nephew heād never met could talk in whole sentences now and how Mr Rabinowitz had fallen and broken his leg felt like missives from a world he would never return to again; how could he, when all he knew was the war?
The Armistice meant the supply of wounded slowed, but he didnāt go home ā he was stationed at a general hospital, so there were still plenty of cases coming through. Even when they offered to send him home because he wasnāt regular army and they were well aware that the other corps had mostly got the wartime recruits outā¦ he knew it was cowardly, but he accepted the offer to stay on until the RAMC left France. He couldnāt picture how he was going to fit back into the Leylands, and perhaps if he put it off long enough heād finally work it out.
When he finally got off the train at Leeds, it felt a little like a fairytale ā he kept being shocked that he could recognise the buildings as the train came in, and it sounded the same as it had before the war. The back of his throat began to ache, though he wasnāt sure why, but before he could focus on that his mother was calling his name and hugging him. Had she been there the whole time? She gave him a kiss on the cheek and led him to everyone else ā there was Shoshie, who grinned at him and then prompted the child hiding behind her legs to greet his Feter Itzik. While the nephew heād never met hid his face in her skirt, his father embraced him with a decidedly gruff, āSon.ā
And at last there was Moishe, his smile twisted by the scarring on his face. He looked like he understood the slight bewilderment that must have shown on his face. āGlad they let you go eventually,ā he said, slapping him on the back. He spoke into his right ear, probably noticing that Issac had turned so he could hear the people in front of him more clearly with it.Ā
āYeah,ā Issac said, not trusting himself to say anything else lest he start crying.Ā
āSee, heās not scary, Dovid,ā Shoshie said, having coaxed his nephew out in front of her. āSay hello.ā
āHello Feter,ā he said at last. āWhy donāt you have a face like Feter Moishe?ā
āDovid!ā Shoshie said.
Moishe shot Issac a grin. For the first time in too long, Issac laughed.
