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Helping Dispel FIVE Common Myths About Grief - Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Center for Loss and Life Transition

Our society continues to perpetuate a number of myths about grief and mourning. These myths may seem harmless, but I have found that they can quickly become hurdles to healing. The information provided describes five of the most common myths about grief. I hope that this information will help you overcome these myths and better understand how to help yourself or others heal.

Myth #1: Grief and mourning are the same experience.

Most people tend to use the words grief and mourning interchangeably. However, there is an important distinction between them. We have learned that people move toward healing not by just grieving, but through mourning. Simply stated, grief is the internal thoughts and feelings we experience when someone we love dies. Mourning, on the other hand, is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside ourselves. In reality, many people in our culture grieve, but they do not mourn. Instead of being encouraged to express their grief outwardly, they are often greeted with messages such as, “carry on,” “keep your chin up”, and “keep busy”. So they end up grieving within themselves in isolation, instead of mourning outside of themselves in the presence of loving companions.

Myth #2: There is a predictable and orderly progression to the experience of grief.

Stage-like thinking about both dying and grief has been appealing to many people. Somehow the “stage of grief” have helped people make sense out of an experience that isn’t as orderly and predictable as we would like it to be. If only it were so simple! The concept of “stages” was popularized in 1969 with the publication of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’ landmark text On Death and Dying. Kubler-Ross never intended for people to literally interpret her five “stages of dying.” However, many people have done just that, not only with the process of dying, but with the processes of bereavement, grief, and mourning as well. One such consequence is when people around the grieving person believe that he or she should be in “stage 2” or “stage 4” by now. Nothing could be further from the truth. Each person’s grief is uniquely his or her own. It’s neither predictable nor orderly. Nor can its different dimensions be so easily categorized. We only get ourselves in trouble when we try to prescribe what the grief and mourning experiences of others should be – or when we try to fit our own grief into neat little boxes.

Myth #3: It is best to move away from grief and mourning instead of toward it.

Many grievers do not give themselves permission or receive permission from others to mourn. We live in a society that often encourages people to prematurely move away from their grief instead of toward it. Many people view grief as something to be overcome rather than experienced. The result is that many of us either grieve in isolation or attempt to run away from our grief. People who continue to express their grief outwardly – to mourn – are often viewed as “weak,” “crazy” or “self-pitying”. The common message is “shape up and get on with your life.” Refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence, and “being strong,” are thought to be admirable behaviors. Many people in grief have internalized society’s message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly, and efficiently. Such messages encourage the repression of the griever’s thoughts and feelings. The problem is that attempting to mask or move away from grief results in internal anxiety or confusion. With little, if any, social recognition of the normal pain of grief, people begin to think their thoughts and feelings are abnormal. “I think I’m going crazy,” they often tell me. They’re not crazy, just grieving. And in order to heal they must move toward their grief through continued mourning, not away from it through repression and denial.

Myth #4: Tears expressing grief are only a sign of weakness.

Unfortunately, many people associate tears of grief with personal inadequacy and weakness. Crying on the part of the mourner often generates feelings of helplessness in friends, family, or caregivers. Out of a wish to protect mourners from pain, friends and family may try to stop the tears. Comments such as, “Tears won’t bring him back” and “he wouldn’t want you to cry” discourage the expression of tears. Yet crying is nature’s way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows the mourner to communicate a need to be comforted. Crying makes people feel better, emotionally and physically. Tears are not a sign of weakness. In fact, crying is an indication of the griever’s willingness to do the “work of mourning”.

Myth #5: The goal is to “get over” your grief.

We have all heard people ask, “Are you over it yet?” To think that we as human beings “get over” grief is ridiculous! We never “get over” our grief but instead become reconciled to it. We do not resolve or recover from grief. These terms suggest a total return to “normalcy” and yet in my personal, as well as professional experience, we are all forever changed by the experience of grief. For the mourner to assume that life will be exactly as it was prior to the death is unrealistic and potentially damaging. Those people who think the goal is to “resolve” grieve become destructive to the healing process. Mourners do, however, learn to reconcile their grief. We learn to integrate the new reality of moving forward in life without the physical presence of the presence of the person who has died. With reconciliation comes a renewed sense of energy and confidence, an ability to fully acknowledge the reality of the death, and the capacity to become re-involved with the activities of living. We also come to acknowledge that pain and grief are difficult – yet necessary- parts of living. As the experience of reconciliation unfolds, we recognize that life will be different without the person who died. At first we realize this with our head, and later come to realize it with our hearts. We also realize that reconciliation is a process, not an event. The sense of loss does not completely disappear yet softens and the intense pangs of grief become less frequent. Hope for a continued life emerges as we are able to make commitments to the future, realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten, yet knowing that one’s own life can and will move forward.

I, fortunately haven't encountered too many major personal losses in my lifetime. I did, however, grow up with a strong awareness of the heaviness that surrounds grief. My mother lost her mother when she was only 8 years old to cancer. She struggles to this day with the grieving process. Since then, all of the women on my mom's side of the family have been affected by cancer related loss; the loss of their breasts by mastectomy. My mother lost her father to cancer in 1987. My father lost both of his parents to illnesses in the 90's. I officially didn't have grandparents anymore by the age of 12.

Since the majority of the personal losses I've experienced occurred before I reached the age of 18, I never felt that I was in an 'adult' position to offer support to my family and friends who were grieving. Because I had very little knowledge about grief and mourning, I would often use cliches when trying to offer support.

Of course at the time I didn't realize that A) they were cliches and that B) that they could be so hurtful.

Some examples of these cliches are as follows:

“I know just how you feel.”  --  Each person is unique, and every relationship is also a one-of-a-kind.  We cannot possibly know how someone else feels when a death occurs because that is a relationship we will never experience.

“It has been three weeks since he/she died.  Aren't you over it yet?” --  There is no way to put a time-limit on grief.  It is generally agreed that the grieving process takes six months to two years, although some may grieve for longer or shorter periods of time.

“Be grateful you still have your other child(ren).”  -- A grieving parent will always miss the child who died, even though there are other children present.  It does not take away from the love given to the living children, it simply reflects the loss of that particular relationship.

“We are never given more than we can handle.”  -- The family and friends of someone who completed suicide would argue this statement.  Sometimes the world and all its attendant problems are too much to bear.  Inability to cope is not necessarily related to a lack of faith, strength, or other intangible.  The bereaved are in real pain, and they need reassurance and support, not covert criticism of their coping skills.

“He/she lived a good, full life, and it was his/her time to die.” --  This is no convenient time to die.  Whether the person was three hours old or one hundred and two years old, when a life ends, there is grief.  While death will often bring an end to suffering, physical or psycho- spiritual, it will still mean pain for survivors at some level.  Some great contributions have beenmade to the world by people who had lived “a good, full life” before they made their mark on our society.

-- Taken from Barbara D. Knox

It was recently brought to my attention when I attended a grief workshop run by Dr. Alan Wolfelt Ph.D. (one of the leaders in grief counseling and research) that I'd been using these cliches to this day WORKING as a grief counselor. From naive kid using them to supposed professional - they carried over.

Ever since I attended the convention I've been going out of my way to make sure that I don't use these while making conversation with the bereaved. It must be so hurtful to hear some of these statements, most of which are said out of little knowledge of grief or out of a PERSONAL need to feel like you're helping when someone is grieving in front of you.

So in conclusion, the underlying message of this post is to always be conscientious when dealing with someone who is mourning. Second guess whether or not the things you are saying are insensitive or not. Focus on making the bereaved comfortable, not yourself.