#ak27

Bettie Page

I love us. How you and I make up us. We live at a different speed of life, a slower one, the one that stops to notice the beauty in simple things and the beauty in people. I don’t think many get to see life from the speed we live at. We don’t just look, we see. That’s important in this world, it’s something to hold onto. I love our chase for God. For His purposes. His voice. His people. I love our love for documenting, always have something to remember something by — whether it’s a photograph, coffee cup or dried flower. I love our adventure. We came to Australia on an adventure, into the unknown. With no idea of what to expect, but bravely with our hearts trusting God and our love strengthening each other.  I love our love for comfort — every good adventurer needs to know how to rest well. I love how time can escape us too easily as we get lost in a world we create for ourselves filled with the things we love. I love us working hard. With fires in our hearts, hands working and heads dreaming. Working hard to accomplish something honest and good. These are some of the things that have engrained themselves in our relationship. Some of the essence of what has created us to become who we are. Tonight, I’ve been reflecting on us. The seasons we have journeyed and the love of ours that has expanded and taken shape. A lot has caused us to evolve and adjust over the span of our relationship — some things for the better and some things I think have caused us to defer from what makes us, ‘us’. Seasons and adjustments in a relationship should build into a relationship -- making it stronger, wiser and more closely knit. 

Simple and plain, I miss you. I really miss you.  We’ve been having lots of little conflicts recently. And the more we have them, the worse things feel. So, I’m attempting to write this down… and trusting you might be able to hear this in a different way. 

This season of our lives has been full. From the moment I left for America, you’ve been working hard at Church, School and Work. Building into people, building into your credibility, building into your money supply. You’ve reapt the reward of these things! Its so incredible to see First Year Chapel exploding at the seams of all God is doing and how you are leading in this season. It’s incredible to see how your faithful steps of serving and being around has created opportunity. It’s incredible to see you lead a connect group — challenging, growing and bringing things out in a group of boys who all look up to you. It’s incredible to see your intentionality with people — meeting up with them, hearing their hearts, sharing yours.

For us, I’m thankful that you’ve carved out Fridays — a little day for us, which is a scheduling miracle. I’m thankful  for the way you’ve involved me in FYC. I’m thankful for the conversations you had with me where you’ve paused to help as I’ve just needed prodding here and there. Specifically that one conversation we had at Rouse Hill over ice-cream. I see and remember all these things — and I want to express my gratitude toward you for it. I am really grateful. 

Yet, I miss you. I feel like an outsider to your life. An outsider to your schedule and most importantly,  your heart.  It’s  not just about the time we spend together but it’s a feeling in the time we are together or a part… a feeling that I don’t know where to locate you. I don’t know where my best friend is.  I don’t know what to be praying for you, standing for in our relationship and our future. It makes me feel isolated and hurt. I’ve always felt cared and preferred - with your heart and what you share. But lately I feel like a checkbox in your life, rather than your partner. I deeply value knowing we are in this together. ‘This' being life, not just College. I’ve always valued that. 

That’s always impacted life for us. Being in this together. But I don’t feel like we’ve pulled that into our daily lives, intersections and conversations. I  know this season doesn’t allow you much free time — I get that. I know that. I’ve grown used to that. But I feel like you’re too busy for me in the daily life. I don’t get to squeeze in more than a hello,  a few words and a kiss before you run into something else. But in the time we do have, I still don’t feel preferred. And that hurts me. I feel like just a friend, not a girlfriend. I feel like Fridays are a thing to hinge everything that we don’t get to do in a week on. We can’t build our lives on a string of Fridays. What if we didn’t have Fridays? How does our relationship impact the daily, not just one day? 

It makes me sad and anxious when ‘us’ isn’t right. You’re my family here, Andrew. I depend on you. I count on you. I deeply need and value  that you help take care of me as I help take care of you emotionally, physically. I expect that we cover each other. We pray for each other. We consider one another in all things. We talk to each other, we help give awareness to each other.  Right now, I feel like ‘us’ language has moved into ‘you and I’ language. We live our lives (separately) and from that place we see where our lives can perhaps cross over and where we can be of help to each other. Rather than living from our life — where we already are covering each other, caring, loving, knowing what the other needs... into the world and into what we are a part of: college, school, friendships, work.  The latter is a place of strength. The latter is a place we’ve been. 

Flowers for us have been the sweetest representation of a value in our life: intentionality. They have been the overflow of a heart that loves his girlfriend and that which he is a part of with her.  You, being the boy you are, have given me a little flower (or massive bunch) for overrrrr a year now. I still am amazed by that, that general act of thinking of me, considering me and doing something sweet for me. Flowers have been the cherry on top of a relationship we have built strongly (our sundae).

I don’t feel confident about our sundae, it feel like it’s melting. And while I care about the cherry on top and love what it represents and it’s intention. I need help to rescue our melting sundae. I feel we’re putting cherries on top of melting sundaes.