#aixconan

@coai

Ticking Heartbeats

♡ August 25th - Day 1: Time

Time heals all wounds.

Shinichi tries to remember this as he waits in the airport.

While he agrees with the notion to an extent, it’s not easy in practice— not when those wounds involve broken trust and empty promises.

At first, he thought that it would be difficult with Ran and it was. Heavens above, it was. But they’ve known each other for most of their lives and they’ve only just started dating at the time so they managed to power on through eventually.

No, what blindsided him was trying to build back the trust he once had with Haibara.

The fallout for his carelessness on the school field trip to Kyōtō had almost cost them everything; had even forced Haibara out of hiding. And in the end, it was because of Haibara they’ve managed to survive at all as the blonde used the same fear that used to cripple her once upon a time to fight back with reignited paranoia and vigilance; protecting those they love from an ambush while he fought in the front lines. It brought to light on how much he didn’t really know Haibara as the scientist planned and outwitted their enemies in ways that awed even him.

At the time, it made him wonder if this is who Haibara was before she lost her sister— the one they called Sherry; the Organisation’s top mind and scientist.

It both excites and chills him, knowing how deadly Haibara can really be.

Nonetheless, he’s grateful for having a partner as capable as Haibara especially when the scientist fought so hard to help him return back home to his life. Thinking back, Shinichi realises that it was the first time he ever hugged Haibara and mourns at what came after. With his body regained and his loved ones safe, Shinichi immediately went to Ran without looking back; honestly thinking that the worst was over.

It wasn’t until he woke the next morning to find that Haibara left Beika that he realised how wrong he was.

The only thing he knew at the time was that Haibara had took Jodie-sensei previous offer to be in FBI custody and left with only a goodbye to Agasa-hakase. It stung something fierce and he had pestered those in the know until they gave him the chance to talk to the scientist.

The ensuing fight brought a lot of ugly issues to light; things that he was too oblivious or careless to realise until it was too late.

I’ve already given you the antidote, Kudou-kun, Haibara had murmured, tired and weary. What else would you need me around for?

It left his blood cold when he realised that for all the time they’ve spent together, Haibara had thought that he only kept the scientist around for the antidote. Anger had coursed through him at the thought before crippling shame took over when Shinichi recalled his previous actions and words to the scientist. His continued carelessness with the antidote and disregard for Haibara’s warning and advices had made him grit his teeth in guilty silence.

Things weren’t the same after that, even after he tries to distract himself by settling back into his life again.

The weeks after the Organisation’s downfall were excruciating and it wasn’t only because of all the cleanup they had to do. Haibara didn’t ignore or snap at him whenever he called. The blond was brisk and clipped as ever.

But there was no denying the distance Shinichi suddenly found stretching between himself and his friend. While Haibara entertained his calls, the scientist no longer teased him or confined in him. Their bantering were nonexistent and he remembers missing the sarcasm and sass that used to come easily between them. For weeks, it was nothing but business between them as Haibara no longer spoke to Shinichi unless absolutely necessary. Shinichi has seen Haibara explode in anger, mostly due to his recklessness but in those cold weeks, Shinichi found out that Haibara was astoundingly good at giving the silent treatment without actually being silent.

It drove him mad to the point that he requested (actually begged) to meet Haibara, even just once; even for just a moment because he thought that maybe he had already given the biochemist enough space to at least take the chance to make amends. The fact that Haibara agreed at all was fortunate and Shinichi found himself at the American Embassy in Minato Ward as Akai-san stood guard nearby.

Shinichi hadn’t wasted his time and bowed, apologising to the woman he unintentionally wronged. It must’ve been an odd sight; a teenager bowing to a grade schooler but Shinichi didn’t care. Not if it meant his pride and carelessness would cost him the friend he was just getting to know.

He finally understood that the way he prioritised certain things and people in his life had caused Haibara pain and wondered if an apology for not only endangering their safety and even forcing Haibara out of hiding to protect his friends and family would be enough. It was especially humiliating because he didn’t broke just one but two promises at the time; to not get caught while attending the field trip and to protect the scientist.

Damn it all to hell, Gin had almost killed Haibara because of him.

Thankfully, an apology was all Haibara had been waiting for because the hesitant smile Shinichi received was the first he ever gotten since their victory and the distance between them wasn’t so wide anymore. Eventually, he had to say goodbye to Haibara and watched as Akai-san escorted the scientist back. For safety reason, he wasn’t informed of Haibara’s departure from Japan until days later in a form of an untraceable email with only an address to an apartment nearby Thames Street, London.

There was still a certain tentative caution to Haibara’s actions and words in the following weeks but it got better from that point on and Shinichi was careful not to take his friend for granted anymore.

Haibara became his confidant in anything and everything, and eventually Shinichi earned the right to be hers in return.

It was to the point where Haibara was the first person Shinichi turned to when he and Ran broke up. While he always believed that they’d be inevitable, some part of Shinichi knew that he and Ran wouldn’t last; not after what he went through as Conan. Maybe they could’ve made a happily ever after that would’ve lasted a lifetime but they had built each other up so much in their heads to ever make it work in real life. It was wonderful and beautiful while it lasted; everything he dreamed of since he was a kindergartener. When reality crashed down on him almost a year later, he shakily called up Haibara while it was probably in the middle of the night in London.

Paralyzed and voice stuck in his throat, a heavy silence stretched on before Haibara told him in the softest, kindest tone he had ever heard from the biochemist.

It’s okay to not be okay, Kudou-kun. It’s okay to be human.

Shinichi doesn’t remember much from that day except that he spent hours with his phone pressed to his ear as his body shook with sobs; mourning for the dream that he had to wake up from. It was also the first time that he was lulled to sleep by Haibara’s singing, curled up in his chair inside the library.

Neither of them ever mentioned what happened that day but Shinichi felt the first shift then, and life continued on as he got back to his feet and mended things with Ran. His relationship with Haibara became stronger as time marches on; so much so, that Shinichi can say that he at least earned back that bit of Haibara’s trust before he unknowingly lost it. But time means distance and distance has given him a great deal of perspectives.

Time and distance have also made his heart grow fonder for the scientist.

Weeks turned into months. Fondness shifted into affection as they became better friends; phone calls and emails to long video calls that became as frequent as three times a week.

Months turned into years and affection morphed into love. Impromptu visits to London over the summer (because he’s a Sherlockian; he’d take every chance he can get to go to London. That, and he’s come to really like Haibara’s British accent, okay?) to daily phone calls when he’s back home in Japan.

Just like the passage of time, his fondness for Haibara grew into something that rivals the love he felt for Ran. But different at the same time. It’s not the sort of reckless and passionate love he had with Ran that embodies the beauty of sweet youth. What he feels for Haibara is quiet, thrumming like a heartbeat; constant and reassuring.

Now, almost three years later; a week before his twentieth birthday, Shinichi is in the airport with Agasa-hakase by his side; low key panicking about what he’s going to say as they wait for Haibara to finally come home.

Shinichi doesn’t know how or why but it’s like there’s a ticking; a countdown in his head before a chime goes off and he looks up, zeroing in on the mass of people coming out from the gate. There’s a familiar head of blonde hair; that certain shade of Venetian that he’d recognise anywhere. It’s a bit longer now but still in that elegant perm. Then, he stops and stares when he realises that the one he’s waiting for is that of a young woman and not the eleven year old girl he saw last summer.

Shinichi never pried with what Haibara wanted to do with her own antidote and was even wiling to wait for the woman to grow up again before even thinking about courting her. But right now, standing with his mouth wide opened, Shinichi stares as Haibara glances around before sharp turquoise eyes land on him, softening into something warm and familiar.

There’s no running, no dramatic reunion. They walk towards one another, cutting through the masses with a single minded focus that has people stumbling away to make way for them until they stand face to face. There’s a dopey smile on his face and he’s happy to note that Haibara is also wearing a smile that lights up her beautiful face.

Agasa-hakase welcomes Haibara first; a father welcoming his beloved daughter home as he tucks her into a warm hug and fatherly kiss on the forehead.

When it’s his turn, Shinichi raises a hand, smile widening into a grin as suddenly, he knows exactly what he wants to say. “Happy to finally meet you. The name is Kudou Shinichi; detective. Yoroshiku."

Haibara breathes out a laugh, soft and unburden as she reaches out to grasp his hand into her own. “Likewise, Kudou-kun. I'm Miyano Shiho; CSI. Yoroshiku ne."

And before she has the chance to step back, Shinichi tugs Hai— no, Miyano to him and into a hug. Miyano stills in his arms as Shinichi murmurs against Miyano’s temple.

“Okaeri."

A beat then, Miyano relaxes and hugs back before pulling away a bit to cradle his face. Miyano looks at him for a long moment and he lets her, hoping against hope that all that time they’ve spent together after the fall isn’t wasted and that Miyano knows that he’s not that same boy he used to be.  Finally, he sees Miyano smiling, unrestrained and unapologetic and hopeful. She guides his head down to press a kiss on his cheek then rests their foreheads together.

“Tadaima."

Hands intertwined, Shinichi smiles and feels the final tendrils of old regrets fade away into nothing.

Time can heal all wounds.