Aug 4
dreamt of organising in france. i wouldnt take my headphones out for some reason
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dreamt of organising in france. i wouldnt take my headphones out for some reason
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dreams about train stations and my mother, no threat, just acting out a fantasy of my cruel indifference whenever we run into each other. i walk or catch the train (i dreamt earlier in the night of being on a train, too). she drives, talks loudly to my sisters about me. talks loudly to me about women on the tv. at one point she has a giant white snake wrapped around her waist. in other dreams some of these stations took me to abandoned mines and empty stations. reclaimed stations. wild places tumbling down out of the hillside. i do not get to be lonely today. wake up sad and guilty.
dreamt i got in touch. then kept trying to correct myself for damage control. somehow ended up on a themed boat doing some sort of sailing trip with my family and a coworker. immediately started spinning out. the ship was on this giant, elevated water filled track through a city that could have been any of em. mum was trying to be nice. i half thought half asked if i was dreaming. my sister smiled and nodded enthusiastically, presumably knowing what thisd mean. i got up on the rail, looked down at the water. felt my breath quicken. the distance churned while i tried to decide. threw myself off, woke up.
dreamt of tall apartment blocks and claustrophobic lifts. met the boy who raped me, he'd joined a cult. wanted me to come along, and was suspicious, passive aggressive when i refused. an old friend was with me but sometimes she was made of rice.
dreamt of a youthlib sit in at the shopping centre near where i grew up. wandering the halls in the dark, as they were before even i visited.
Girl the audacity of my ex best friend re-posting some targeted shit about how "they were never a true friend if they dropped you that easily" like bitch you dont know me at all if you think that was easy for me.
If you think I didnt worry about you for months and months and months trying to find the best way to help you, spent weeks building up the courage to find the right words to say about how I couldn't keep watching you suffer. I talked to everybody I knew, about you, about if what I did was the right thing, if there was something else I could have said or did. The guilt I felt and still feel.
I cling onto friendships for years past their expiry. I hold onto people by a fucking thread even when they dont deserve it. I miss people I haven't seen in years. I still dream about people I haven't talked to since school. I grieve for so fucking long its actually embarrassing. Do you know how fucking hard it is for me to let go? I dont fucking drop people easily. I stay until I fucking break. I dont get over anyone I have ever loved, ever. I mourn all the fucking time.
I still try to care for you behind the scenes. I get our friends to check up on you, I made sure they messaged you more when we stopped talking, and push them to meet with you when you come to visit.
I still have hope you'll see my point of view and we can reconnect someday. I dont fucking wish for your downfall. I want you to be happy and SAFE. You dont know me at all if you think this has been easy. To say I was never a true friend, after everything? Holy shit man. I did everything i could for you. And I knowww you did the same for me, I am forever forever grateful, you were there for my darkest times, and you didnt judge me. Fuck i thank you so much for that. And that just made me try to help you even more because I know how hard it was for you to be there for me when I needed it.
I tried to support you for as long as I could, but girl, please, you can't be in such denial that you dont see where I was coming from? And the thing is I FULLY UNDERSTAND. I've been exactly where you fucking were. I've had my best friend "drop me (????)" for my wellbeing , because he couldn't support me in my toxic shit anymore. And I was angry, and hurt, but deep down I fucking knew he was right and I always fucking understood where he was coming from, wether or not I liked it , I had the fucking emotional capacity to reflect and know why he did it, even if it wasn't done perfectly. But i was self aware. And once the initial anger passed after a lil while i had pretty much forgiven him almost entirely. Because i understood his point of view, and i knew he was fucking right in his intentions for the most part . But girl please, you're incapable of seeing where I'm coming from?? At all???? That it was out of concern?? You're expecting an apology from me?? Please fucking get out of your dumb bubble, leave your pride at the door and be so fucking for real.
Not only are you still so angry after 7 months, and approaching me viciously , but you want an apology for me telling you the exact same truths you've told me? AND you're going around posting shit like I was a bad friend the whole time? What the fuck dude. The self awareness is non existent man come on. We're big girls now please . I can't believe its been 7 months and nothing has changed. You're still so so angry at me, and all i can think is it must be coming from a place of insecurity because things are still not good with you guys. Because surely if yous were thriving now, you'd have no problem admitting things weren't great in the past and yous worked through it. But if things are still not great now, then maybe you just can't admit that yet? Because if you admit things were shit and nothing has changed then you're admitting you're choosing to stay in a shitty fuckass relationship thats not getting better.
I dunno , she's reposted some other stuff about 'bad friends' before , but this one really rubbed me the wrong way because I'm notoriously famous for not letting go of people , like, ever. Like I will try to keep a friendship going for so fucking long when its one-sided, like it's actually pathetic. And I miss people for an incredibly long time. I am a deeply emotional and nostalgic person. To think that its easy for me to end a friendship is so so so far away from who I am its actually a slap to the face.
Plus , just to note, I never ever thought I was ending the friendship when I told her I didnt support her boyfriend. Like I specifically said in the message that I wanted to still be friends I just didnt want to talk about that guy anymore and couldn't mentally handle hearing about their fights anymore. I didnt intend on that being the end of us talking ever again. So no, I didnt "drop you" , you actually reacted so aggressively and with such animosity that I had to take a step back in the hopes you'd calm down after some time apart. I never wanted to stop being friends. I still WANT to be friends. I still think we WILL be friends someday. If you fucking stop lying to yourself and to me for one minute and accept reality.
Anyway. Sorry for the longest rant ever.
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dream within a dream. i try to show this dream i am having to a friend, a dream about the end of or the limit of dreaming. the dream moves from my following a woman through her home while she talks about tv, onto an open space in a city. the buildings flicker, and at times i move through them like they are nothing. i try to take a picture to show my friend but my phone camera tells me there is nothing to see. i try to take a video and watch the world of the dream through my phone screen. the world changes as i watch through the screen. comes to resemble a video game. i dont remember waking up from that one to another. more dreams. dreams that dont know they are dreams. a graveyard for tv writers. its an honour to be buried close to Her but i dont know who She is. i follow a friend who died through an apartment complex that could be one of a few i knew growing up or into early adulthood. someone got door pronouns on commission, she/door. later i am some sort of anthropomorphic animal. i am getting on a bus to go to school. another turns to me, the only other animal. tells me (more or less) chin up, you look good. i become overwhelmed and hug him, and he calls me gay. on the bus the man who taught me modal logic rails against the habits of new students. at one point i was in a golden generation of graduating high schoolers. at another i offended someone by accident and someone else snickered at my use of "force magic" that they specialise in. in a strange school i slipped off to fuck the girl i swapped virginities with. i tell her she looks beautiful between kisses and she says so do you, and i remember that i transitioned. muddy fields, school friends, heavy rain, video games, tv. these things twist through those dreams. what more there was is already going from me.
@celesteandfriends
"Wolfie? Long time no see. It's been awhile." Aisling smiled.
Aisling
A mechanic trying to lay low and avoid outing herself for her gruesomely acquired powers. Spends a lot of time in her workshop perfecting her craft and hardly socializes.