#agh!jyder

“No, dude, you really don’t want that. You keep telling me to make out with random girls and get over Lily, but it’s not Lily I’m into anymore. And if I tell you it’s you, then you’ll just freak out, and -- crap. Crap, did I just say that?”

“I’m not ticklish.“ 

“Then why are you jamming your hands into your armpits like that, Marls? You’re totally ticklish, if you admit it I won’t test it, I swear!”

“Stop being a wimp.“ 

“Dude, I’m not a wimp! It didn’t go so great when you told me to kiss Madison, I’m just not listening to any of your dumb ideas anymore.”

“Don’t pout" 

“Dude, I can’t help it! You took so long pooping that tickets for Age of Ultron sold out! Now when are we gonna have time to go see it, Ryder?”

“You’re beautiful when you smile." 

“Oh gosh, you really think so? Um, thank you! I’m not – I mean, I wasn’t sure I was the right person for the role of Sandy, you know? I’m not even blonde! But working with you’s been really nice, Ryder. Thank you for making me feel like I’m the right person for this role.”

"I don’t eat chocolate." 

“That’s preposterous! Even I indulge with chocolate, and you know what a strict diet I’m on during soccer season in particular. I think you’ll find that dark chocolate in particular can actually have some important health benefits, such as increasing your life span and helping to ease headaches through small doses of caffeine. Oh, you’re going to try it! I’m so glad that i could change your mind.”

"This is stupid." 

“Jake, man, this is the Notebook. Nothing about this movie is stupid. Aren’t you supposed to be like the school’s biggest womanizer? How can you possibly have not gotten roped into watching this by at least one girl?”

"It’s just rain." 

“No, you don’t understand. This dress… it’s not mine, Ryder. I just really wanted to look nice for prom, but I couldn’t afford it. And Kitty convinced me it was a good idea to just get something I could return later, but now I’m getting rained on, and the fabric’s all messed up… I have no idea how I’m supposed to get the money to keep this now.”

"Stop crying." 

“You don’t get to tell me to stop crying, okay? You don’t know what this is like, Jake. Before I joined glee club, my only two Facebook friends were my parents. And now that I’m graduating… what if I never find that feeling anywhere again? I can’t help being sad, so please either try to cheer me up or just leave me alone.”

"It’s not a date." 

“Okay, you’re kinda sending me mixed signals here, Rach. I mean, you’re dressed up all nice, you want to go to karaoke and everyone kinda knows that you test if someone’s a good duet partner before you decide to date ‘em… so are you sure? You don’t have to feel bad if it is, ‘cause I’ve kinda got a teeny tiny thing for you that could probably turn into a big thing if you like me back, so… just tell me what you’re really thinking here.”

"This is the worst idea ever." 

“No, it’s not, Rach. Don’t you see the way people look at us like we’re pathetic because Finn and Quinn dumped us for each other? If we act like we’re together instead, people will stop feeling sorry for us all the time. I’m not that awful to hang out with, right? Just give it a chance. It’s like… friends helping each other out.”

"I think I’m sick." 

“Ryder, you’re not one of those sick people that’s weird about not letting anybody get near them, are you? Because there’s no way I’m coming to take care of you unless we can at least make out a little.”

"Come play video games with me." 

“Seriously, dude? You ask my ex-girlfriend out like 24 hours after she dumped me and all you have to say for yourself is ‘come play videogames with me’? No thanks, Ryder. Get Marley to do it.”

"You’re being ridiculous." 

“No I’m not, Mason! Jane’s a total stage hog, and if you keep dating her, pretty soon you’re going to get all the romantic duets, ad I’m never going to get to sing. You have to break up with her! For my sake. Please? I have an amazing voice, I can’t be silenced like that! It’s just not fair to America.”

"I’m just a fuck up.”

“No, you’re not. Look, Jake, I know we broke up, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still care about you. You’re a great guy – or at least, I know you can be. You just need to be with somebody who makes you want to be that great guy. Someone who’s more on the same page as you. Okay? Yeah, you messed up, but I forgive you. And one mistake doesn’t make you a… a total screw up.”

“Dude, I know what they’re called, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to keep going around making out with Aubrey when I don’t think I like her that much! Yeah, it’s fun, and it feels nice, but we don’t have anything to talk about anymore. I don’t want to have a girlfriend who isn’t good for anything but kissing, I want to have one that I can have fun hanging out with, too. Like... a kissing friend or something. I’m not like you, Jake. I can’t just not talk to someone and then snog them, I don’t work that way.”

[MSG]: Dude, I told you the Prefect’s bathroom is a terrible place to hook up with girls. Moaning Myrtle’s always showing up in there, and she even cried one time when Marley and I were in there, uh -- she just cries about how she’s going to be alone forever, okay?

[MSG] When the password changes again, I’m not telling you what the new one is. I’m sick of your stories about ghosts catching you naked.

“Dude, those girls don’t even speak English. How are you supposed to convince them to do... whatever it is you’re trying to get them to do when they have no idea what you’re saying? No, wait, I don’t think I want to know the answer to that. This is totally going to blow up in your face, though, dude. If you hook up with a different girl every night, by the night of the ball you’ll have already hooked up with like 6 or 7 of them. They’re bound to all find you at once and get totally pissed. And I’m not letting you ruin my date with Lauren, so don’t expect me to respond to some secret hand signal to come get you out of trouble or something, because I’m not -- dude, you want the secret sign to be the bat signal? Ugh, fine. I guess I can help rescue you from the mad foreign girls, but just this one time!”

“Dude, stop! I know I chickened out of the dare, but... Mads got kind of weird when I tried to kiss her, I didn’t want to force it on her. And I know you said I shouldn’t be looking for a relationship or anything, and that I should just have fun, but -- uh, I sort of need your advice on something. On someone, actually. So...what do you think of Lauren?”

“Go? Come on, Jake, I just got here. And you know how much I suck at sneaking around the castle at night, there’s no way I’m going to get between Hufflepuff and Slytherin twice in one hour without getting caught. Is this because of what happened last time? Because okay, that was totally weird, but we’re both sober this time, and besides, I’ve already kissed Lauren. I don’t need to practice again to make sure I don’t slobber, she said I totally did it just right. Now move over, I’m making you watch Star Wars.”

AGH!Jyder AU where after Ryder and Jake kiss during Spin the Bottle, Ryder can’t stop thinking about it, and right when he works up the courage to admit to Lily that he thinks he has feelings for Jake, Jake starts dating Bree or Kitty or idk some ho :-p so then Ryder’s just sad all the time because he lost Lily and now he lost his shot with Jake too idek whatever makes him cry on his guitar because Jake’s not his yolo