#agaster

I'm havin fun with Never!agatha au

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME AN EXCUSE TO LISTEN TO JAMIE MUSCATO FOR TWO HOURS STRAIGHT

All the dialogue from Hester’s first line onwards comes from the Heathers musical.

***

Somehow, this wasn’t what Agatha had imagined meeting her first love would be like.

The new girl didn’t look too remarkable - a skinny kid in a big, bulky black trench coat, poring over a beaten-up copy of The Catcher in the Rye. Agatha had barely noticed her at first; though Sophie certainly had some things to say.

“Look at that hairdo.” she snickered, drumming her scarlet fingernails on the table. “Looks like she cut it with a kitchen knife then dyed it with Kool-aid.”

Agatha forced a laugh, hoping it sounded natural enough to pass under Sophie’s radar. Of course, it didn’t.

Sophie narrowed her eyes, then threw back her head and laughed. “Oh, Agatha, you’re not still upset about Dotty Dumptruck, are you?” She cupped her cheek and gazed at Agatha with all the friendly humour of a shark about to dismember its next victim. “I didn’t know you were so attached to her.”

Her words were light, but the underlying threat was glaringly obvious in the gleam of her predatory green eyes. Agatha sighed. “No, you’re right. It was funny.” She smiled tightly.

Sophie regarded her for another moment, then leant back, smoothing down her fitted red blazer. She slid her lunch tray across the table.  “Be a sweetheart and take this to the trash for me, will you?”

Nodding dutifully, Agatha picked up the tray and made for the bins, hopping over Japeth’s leg, which was outstretched in a half-hearted attempt to trip her. She snatched a glance at the new girl, who was perched on the abandoned bench next to the food bin, but she was engrossed in her book. Sighing, she swept Sophie’s half-eaten salad into the metal bin and turned away.

“You shouldn’t have bowed down to them.”

Agatha froze. The voice had come from behind her; a drawl that was spoken so quietly it should have been barely audible, and yet somehow still carried over the clamour and noise of the cafeteria. She turned - the new girl still had her head bent over her book, though it couldn’t have been anyone else. “They’re going to crush that girl.” she added, still not looking up.

Agatha frowned. “I’m sorry, what?”

The girl briefly met Agatha’s gaze, and she felt her stomach flutter. Her eye colour was nothing remarkable - a deep brown, the colour of murky black coffee - but there was something arresting about them; they seemed to contain an endless depth, a glimmer of something just below the surface. “Clearly, you've got a soul. You've just got to work harder at keeping it clean.” She tilted her head with a cat’s grace. “We are all born marked for evil.”

Agatha could have laughed at the absurdity of the situation as her brain struggled to make sense of what the girl said. The latter smirked, rising to her feet and moving past her, head still buried in the pages of her book. Agatha whirled around, shaking her head incredulously.

“Okay, don’t just quote Baudelaire at me and walk away.” The girl threw a smirk over her shoulder, and Agatha took a step forward, emboldened. “Excuse me? I didn’t catch your name.”

The girl turned back to her, hooking her spare hand in the pocket of her coat. “Well I didn’t throw it.” Agatha dug her nails into her palms, feeling herself flush from head to toe. She wanted to dance around the canteen in the most unladylike way possible, but she opted to play it cool, bringing her hand up to her hip. She had just opened her mouth to fire something back at the unnamed girl when the hulking figures of Aric and Japeth loomed up behind her.

Japeth leered over the girl’s shoulder, forcing his face up into her space. “Hey sweetheart. What did your girlfriend say when you told her you were moving to Sherwood, Ohio?”

The girl said nothing, simply flicking the page.

Aric knocked on her head, forcing her to duck away and finally give him her attention. “My buddy here asked you a question.”

The girl laughed wryly. She turned to Japeth with a cool, untouchable ease. “I don’t know what your problem is, but…” she slid a bookmark between the pages with thin, scarred fingers, snapping the book shut in her hand. “I bet it’s really hard for you to pronounce.”

Agatha couldn’t contain a stunned laugh as the cafeteria filled with low whistles. Japeth’s face contorted with rage.

“Hold her arms.” he growled. Aric was there in an instant, pinning her arms back as Japeth swung at her face, but before Agatha could cry out she’d wrested herself from his grip and knocked him upside the head with her book, elbowing Japeth in the chin as he lunged for her.

Everything seemed to happen at once. The air filled with delighted screams and suddenly both boys were struggling up from the ground, the girl wiping a trail of blood from her lip. Agatha knew she shouldn’t be watching, but this kid - damn. She seemed to come alive while fighting - hair ruffled and falling in her face, grin wild and ecstatic, eyes lit from within with an entrancing savagery.

Agatha didn’t know how long the girl would last against the two biggest jocks in the school, but if she survived, Agatha would definitely be asking her out as soon as possible.

***

The God Tier:

Nicphie

Enemies to Lovers dynamic, they’re also rivals.

There’s no canon evidence because Soman was writing the Hicola/Hophie love triangle, but if you look at their personalities objectively, they would make a great pairing. 

takes Hort out of the picture. 

Nicola is the only person who can challenge Sophie. Agatha lets Sophie do whatever because like,, that’s her best friend. Tedros goes back and forth between allies and distrusting her but Agatha stops him from throwing hands. Hort is a doormat. However, Nicola’s LITERAL INTRODUCTION was that she’s strong, super smart, and says exactly what she thinks. 

I think they look good together, aesthetic wise. 

There’s probably a LOT of banter and bickering and overall being fed up of one another. 

The only reason you wouldn’t ship Nicphie is that you either don’t like Nicola, or you stan Hophie. 

The Cool Tier:

Agaster

Goth Girlfriend Aesthetic.

They initially have a lot in common in the School Years.

Hester’s first impression of Agatha was “We like her”. 

Hester wanted Agatha to join her coven, which is huge sign of respect.

Their personalities are very similar, except Hester is a heightened version of Agatha’s witchy self, and Agatha has more of the typical Honor and Compassion and Responsibility traits of a hero.

Hester risked her life (Aric stabbed her) to help Agatha in AWWP.

In OTK, [minor spoiler] Hester steps in front of Agatha when Japeth is about to slaughter them, and she’s like “Don’t touch her.” LIKE COME ON IT’S OBVIOUS. 

the only reason that you wouldn’t ship Agaster is that you’re a Tagatha or Hestadil stan. That’s standard but like do you not see the potential??

Hestadil

They’re inseparable. Best friends to lovers. 

There isn’t much canon Hestadil though, so I put them lower. 

Tagatha

This relationship has been clearly established since Book 1 and there’s no use NOT shipping it. 

I got sick of them as the series went on, sorry. 

Keian

Don’t have much to say, but this was wasted potential. 

I like the king/bodyguard dynamic. They’re best friends. 

Kei was having a breakdown when Rhian died. 

DID HE NOT PUT A ROSE ON HIS GRAVE??? AM I MISTAKEN?? BECAUSE THAT’S A SIGN. 

The “At This Point I’m Too Tired to Argue” Tier:

Horavan

Val shoves it down my throat so like. I Guess. 

Ravan was under-developed, but he sounds cool as fuck (he’s the descendant of a god, he’s seen to be Hester’s equal and gains respect among his peers, he’s described as attractive, and he’s driven and ruthless)

I dislike Hort so that’s the only part of this ship that’s sinking it. 

If Hort was characterized as an awkward himbo AND NOT A CREEPY SPYING ON GIRLS TYPE, I’d ship it more. 

Bettophie

I really don’t know why [OTK spoiler] she was killed? I would have rather read about Bettina having a fake death than Hort. 

Again, Enemies to Lovers dynamic. Similar to Nicphie except instead there’s like two seconds of Bettophie interaction. 

They’re alright. 

Sophester

I only halfway ship this because I wrote a fic about them (The Love for Glory and Gore link in bio) and we’ll see if this grows any further. 

This is like, if you shipped Agaphie before you knew they were sisters, and you’re still confused and betrayed at that plot twist. This is for you. The dynamic is the same thing, except they’re both evil. 

Hester once said that Sophie is too powerful even for her to defeat. I don’t know if that counts, but it’s definitely a sign. (And Hester is neither impressed nor intimidated easily, Sophie does both).

Tophie

They’ll never happen again, and thank god they’ll never be used as a plot device again. I think everyone hypes up how terrible they were (obviously Tophie isn’t a perfect match, but it’s not like the end of the earth). 

Okay but imagine Never! Tedros with Sophie as a fling. Not bad. 

The “I Just Sit Back and Observe” Tier:

Tort

They started as a joke. I honestly never thought it was funny. It’s obviously overused now. 

Yiko/Reatrix

I couldn’t care less. Go ahead and ship them. The aesthetic is cute, kind of. Sorry?

The “I Want To Gouge My Eyes Out” Tier:

Jaric

A lot of people have made posts about why Jaric is fucking awful. So go read those. Two murderous psychopaths together are not cute. 

Hophie