#againandagain

We call it happiness overload.

‘again and again’

Dear, Dear Void:

I have completed the film.

It is not what I expected it to be. It is not what I was promised. I had hoped that my collaboration with Jü Fine Brandy and their branding agents, Bland.ly, would allow me to focus solely on the subtly fraught beauty in the connection of Nature and Industry.

I have been thwarted. They enticed me into a contract with words of acceptance and praise, or shared vision, of “meeting each other where we are” and “authenticity” and yet when I arrived, as I am, with my unique vision, they responded not with welcome and thanks but with irritation and entitled exasperation at my requestsI refused to obey their duplicitous requests for me to play the part of The Excessively Chill Yet Oh So Productive Urbanite, and I have been released from my contract. The footage from that fatal shoot day was sent to me with the original sound, and fully marred with cruel comments from the two-faced “creative team.” Thus, the pure MAGNUM OPUS I have dreamed of creating is no more.

I have taken the cold ashes of my vision and created MAGNUM OPUS: Resergere Ex Cineribus. Void, I present it to you now; I believe it speaks for itself.

For the Intrepid, for the Thorough, for the Seekers among us, I include a full accounting of facts below:*

*In my humbled state I recommend that you review the full footage with a mind informed by this meaningful context. A FULL ACCOUNTING

           Invocation:

O Void: I bow to thy abbreviated attention span and place the filmic link above all lengthy communication. However, I request that those of you who feel the pull of details seek satisfaction in the WHOLE TRUTH. Follow, if you dare, an accounting of Hopes, raised and dashed as effortlessly as the blooming and crushing of a single rose.

I.         An Initiation:

This ill-fated odyssey began with an e-missive from Bland.ly, a “full service blanding agency” undertaking a reimagining of Jü (formerly Jungmann’s) Fine Brandy. If you recall my blog post from the day, I was thrilled by their offer of support for my personal artistic vision, and I excitedly replied.

Within days, I was offered a contract - framed as a collaboration - on behalf of Ju Fine Brandy. I felt a deep and immediate feeling of true community from their words. Their founder, Ty, was full of praise for the works of artists, for the link between artistic purpose and social visionary, and I was lifted on the recognition of myself as one of those selected few!!!!

II.       The Meeting:

We meet in person, and signed our agreement. Although it was filled with legalese, I understood that I would receive a sizable portion of Lucre, and the support of the Bland.ly team for photoshoots, potential blog interviews and the production of a short film. It was here that I met Ty Ramsy, and here that we together conceived of our initial idea of the film as a production of my MAGNUM OPUS, exclusively focused on my artistry.

Friends, I cannot emphasize how support from one’s community can lift a burden from a visionary’s shoulders. I did not realize until that meeting that I had been using my own creative resources to maintain my belief in my vision, while thinking myself and my belief in my purpose untapped. But as soon as I signed that contract, meet with Ty, received those sweet words of support on a printed page-- O the lift! The levity!!! I did not think that it was possible. Filled with new inspiration and liberated from an internal battle with futility, I rushed to my studio (still the bare boards of my small bed-chamber) to create visionings for my MAGNUM OPUS.

III.        Capitalist Trimmings / The Photoshoot:

The initial photoshoot was to be as closely scheduled as possible, as they wished to launch our collaboration right away. I said that this was not enough time for me to develop a fully fleshed out concept, and I offered to bring the beginnings of my MAGNUM OPUS imaginings from the Joe’s Pub edition or from any of my earlier vision-work. They told me, in short, not to fret, as it was being handled by the production team. I assumed that, as a highly competent seeming operation, that they would execute on the ideas we discussed in our meeting.

I arrived at the appointed location of the photoshoot, which was situated amongst the most louche and banal of spray-painted pictures, and handed a paint splattered jumpsuit and Reaganesque jeans. I thought we had a shared understanding of the fragile beauty of plants struggling to root in urban settings, yet instead I was met with capitalist trimmings and seeming disdain.

I swallowed my confusion and rage, and also their disgusting brandy, which they wanted to me to pose with, worship, and imbibe, despite my repeated protests that I do NOT drink, as it deeply unsettles my lucid dreaming practice. I finished the day filled with pride for my ability to carry on through strife, but also anger and confusion. How had they so missed the mark on our vision?

IV.         The Attempted Reconciliation:

  I immediately attempted to address my issues via email. They responded, telling me that they were happy I brought it up and they were able to address some of my issues, but not all of them. I knew the shoot was mere days away, and that it was up to me to ensure that we were all able to participate in bringing this beautiful vision to light. So I went about handling the rest myself.

V.          The Film Shoot:

The morning of the shoot, I arrived READY TO WORK — I sourced my own flowers, I created and fit custom garb, I found a kind soul willing to lend me their vehicle— all in service of the vision, my Vision, the Vision Jü said they were so eager to support. Jü said they expected my best and void, I delivered. The verve and inspiration, the connectivity, that I brought to that performance was exceptional, even from my own perspective, when I am so often critical of my own offerings.  I left exhausted, drained from carrying the emotional burden of the whole team, but feeling elated. Finally, my MAGNUM OPUS was born.

VI.         The Firing:

Much to my surprise and insult, they fired me immediately, without care for my feelings and with no hope of conversation or resolution.

VII. The Demand

In my devastation, I demanded my footage. It was not safe in their hands, and they had made it profoundly clear that they saw little use in my creative labor. I, however, felt compelled to search the ashes for my dream, the elusive, magnificent film I knew we recorded that day.

VIII.        The Things They Said:

I was sent the footage in its entirety. I rejoiced!! A victory, surely, I thought.

ALAS NO. Some nitwit, likely the sycophant assistant, Zander, had sent footage with the beta audio included, perhaps as an oversight, perhaps as a sick blague. Whatever the reason, I stood, assessing my personal performance of my masterpiece coupled with the inexact, though admittedly accomplished camerawork, haunted the whole time by the indelible laughter of those who had pledged support as I birthed this exhausting and crucial work into the world.

In that moment, the edges of my vision momentarily darkened. I swayed as the world spun around me but recovered myself-- I fell not into a faint! I slapped myself back into the field of war. MAGNUM OPUS, despite my hopes of the support needed for my pure vision, would be marred by the scorn of those meant to be producing it, those purportedly to be in support. MAGNUM OPUS, a product of the world’s fear and cowardice, hidden behind scorn and irony once again. As with my previous attempt this year (MAGNUM OPUS: The Prelude) this film title would require a colon and sub-clause to document the forces that held it down.

IX.         MAGNUM OPUS: Resurgere Ex Cineribus:

I could have excluded the beta audio. I could have left their voices out entirely, and created a sound score more fitting to my original vision, yes.

Perhaps you will ask why I felt compelled to leave in the perspective of The Haters, as you, the void, the Internet, so often call them. I certainly answer to no one but myself.

I will say this: my MAGNUM OPUS was meant as an atonement for what we take from nature. It is an attempt to beg for our return to the peace of nature to that we may reclaim our souls from the jaws of productivity, and, even in the thriving hub of industry, to give ourselves the permission to feel ourselves growing, thriving in the Void.

To cut the voices that demand conformity is to erase them. The deep brutality of the forces within us that demand our expressions to look the same, feel the same, to be the same must be revealed and examined. I confess myself crushed under their weight. And I have chosen to use them to make the core of my MAGNUM OPUS: Resergere Ex Cineribus. A film of resilience and humility.

Again and Again, Clear the Mind by XUEMO