to be or not to be
“And then there is time in which to be, simply to be, that time in which God quietly tells us who we are and who he wants us to be.” Madeleine L’Engle – Walking on Water
“There’s a time to talk about it, a time to live it up, a time to sit in silence; a time to cry about it, a time to laugh it up, a time for stillness in the water; be, my daughter.” Foy Vance – Be, My Daughter: a song of encouragement written to his daughter
**Written earlier at various intervals and locations throughout the evening of August 17, 2015**
I am currently in downtown (central) London, sitting in a great coffee shop called The Department of Coffee and Social Affairs. It has a really great vibe and pleasing aesthetics and is only a few doors down from one of my other favorite coffee shops that I’ve thus far been to in London called Prufrocks. I have a double shot cappuccino with one scoop of brown sugar and a glass of water, after walking a long time through many streets to get here. Good spot to write an update, though I must warn you, this entry is a bit of a raw and honest look into what I have experienced over the past two days in particular. I think that coming to a spot of authenticity is a necessary step to becoming whole, so here’s a bit of my recent journey of sifting through sand to find hidden treasure.
I sit and watch days pass me by; I do not like this phrase, but it feels right to say here. However, it is inaccurately stated because it makes it sound as if my days are melancholy and empty, which is far from true, though the weight and consistency of time does seem to elongate slightly when one travels alone. In most ways, it seems to go more slowly, particularly in the immediate wake of having spent two and a half months straight with a very close traveling companion and friend (in this case, my brother Stephen). Though days now seem more full of vacant minutes, traveling alone allows huge chunks of time to be put towards reflecting, processing, praying, writing, reading, and exploring; activities that I sadly found quite difficult when I was working my 9-6 job. It gives time for observing and thinking. It has caused me to confront myself and uncover stones that I didn’t know needed to be uncovered.
It began yesterday. After Marty (my Australian friend and mentor who has opened he and his wife’s home to me outside of London) and I dropped Stephen off at the Stansted airport, tears came to my eyes and as I gave him a final hug and we walked away, those tears actually turned to weeping. I wept for the next half hour. I was incredibly embarrassed (and at the time, would have been embarrassed to write this on my blog), but Marty smiled and enthusiastically said, “Let them come! Don’t hold it back. This moment can define you.” He prompted and gently encouraged me to find the root of those tears.
At first, I knew it was connected to Stephen leaving after such a long time of companionship and active brotherhood. That sort of parting hurts a bit. But I knew there was more. I dug deeper. In digging, Jesus uncovered more of the full truth behind the tears. It is easy to try and put up a tough exterior… at least for a while, but if that “toughness” is not rooted in truth, then it will crumble like a paper-thin wall eventually. I had not fully been honest with myself in confronting what I am afraid of. I came to terms with the reality of the fact that I am now truly treading uncharted territory.
Though I have been traveling for three 3 months (as of today), any “plans” that I had made in being overseas have now expired. I no longer have a café in Malta to work at and a flat of my own that I know I have keys and access to at any time. I no longer have a church and missions organization to serve or meals provided for me because I have paid in advance for them and they are part of the itinerary. I have no home address or job to return to back in the States. I have no clear vision for the next step in my life; nothing specifically to work towards in an immediate sense. Most of my inner circle of closest friends are in serious relationships with lovely girls and are taking steps towards a different kind of community than I am used to.
In probing deeper into my tears, Stephen’s leaving, to me, was the catalyst of a huge emotional release. I feel that I have come to the end of myself and the end of my strength, which brought forth insecurity, doubt, fear and a sense of helplessness. I realized that I had not come to terms with the fact that what I consider solid ground has been taken from beneath my feet. Marty encouraged me not to run from those feelings, but to confront them; to name them. As I confronted them and processed aloud, Jesus showed up.
He told me not to be afraid of my tears or letting them flow. He desires authenticity from me, which means he wants me to come as I am and not pretend to be or show something I am not. Faking strength is no strength at all. It is paper-thin. When my tears first came, I felt that my manliness was being stripped from me because I felt weak and vulnerable. My initial response to crying (particularly in front of another man) was shame. As I spoke that out, Marty asked what my spirit had to say. I immediately responded, “That that’s bogus!” I then heard Jesus saying, “In your weakness, I am strong. Do not be afraid. Courage, dear heart. When you come to the end of yourself, you will find me every time.” He said “no” to the lie that my tears showed a lack of manliness and strength. He said “no” to the shame I was tempted to feel. False strength is no strength. This means that authenticity is strength. I felt him assuring me that my tears are manly because they were necessary in me finding who I am.
As I spoke my processing aloud, the tears didn’t stop at first, but the feeling behind them changed. I no longer felt fear, intimidation or that I was lost, but I felt loved and I felt hope and I felt protected. I saw the painted picture in my mind of a little boy taking slow (and sometimes wobbly) steps towards his loving, strong and gentle father, whose smile never fades. The father’s love and fondness and care for his boy never changed or waned in the slightest, no matter how shaky his son’s steps were. Jesus’ affection for me is not shaken by my shortcomings or moments of uncertainty. His smile widens, his eyes fill with light, his strong arms spread out and he just stares into my soul and says, “Come to me.”
I found a new meaning and reason behind the tears. My heart and mind had been so full that something had to come out as Jesus came in. The tears were an overflow of the excess stuff that didn’t need to be there and was pushed out as Jesus made his way in. In the process, he led me from darkness into light and I could see clearly. I had Shalom peace; I could see that he was with me and that everything was in its right place. In that spot, he was not calling me to plan the itinerary of my life, but to simply be.
The call to be. What an anti-western mantra. The society that most of us in the west experience calls us to do and creates pressure for those who are not doing according to the standards of society. And yet the call of Christ for each of us is to simply be and not exhaust ourselves in constantly trying to do more and more. In any case, the best actions and outcomes are sprung from a place of peace and a proper understanding of identity. When we are driven by the desire to constantly be doing something, we often times lose the value of what it is we are doing. But when we can properly be, and be whole, then everything is put in its right place and from this right understanding, we are drawn or rather lead into activity.
***
The day before I left Greece, our team had the opportunity to sit and speak with an Orthodox priest. I wondered at what differences there might be between us and was honestly a bit ready for some relatively eloquent and yet empty words, observing the grandeur of God, but void of his intimacy. I was pleasantly surprised and humbled to find that I whole-heartedly agreed with nearly everything he said (yet another reminder to me of how much I dislike the division that comes through viewing the church through denominations rather than understanding that we are all one under Christ, who brings unity and draws all men unto himself). We asked if there was anything that we could pray for him and his church community about. I think he may have slightly misunderstood us to be asking, “what should we pray for – period” or even, “how should we pray”. In either case, his answer had beautiful resonance and insight. He said, “We don’t look at God’s hands, but into his eyes. We don’t pray to get something, but to be something.”
If you think about it, our call to be is mimicking our Lord, who called himself, “I am”. We are to be much in the same way that Jesus is. To be for us is to accept and own our identity as his sons and daughters. It is also to be present in the seasons that he puts us in and brings us through.
You cannot effectively be yourself if you don’t know who you are. When we know who we are, this brings us to a place of power and strength. This enables us to be filled with the Holy Spirit. The presence of the Holy Spirit unites us with our purpose and calling. We do not find our purpose and identity in what we do, but in what he did. Because he has already done everything that needs to be done in order to free us and give us life abundantly and to the fullest, all we have to do is accept it, breathe it in, rest in it and just be.
When we can actually be who we are, who we were created to be, this opens our eyes to our story. It sets us free to live it. Suddenly, our passions come to life and new ones are born. We are one with Edmund Dantes, Jean Valjean, Maximus, William Wallace; given a purpose and mission to live and fight for good, and the ability to accomplish it. We are awakened to the Holy Spirit and the power within us to triumph over evil and vanquish our foe. We carry with us the light of life, the secret flame of heaven, and no darkness can ever extinguish it.
Travel with me for a moment, all you who have read or seen the Lord of the Rings, to the scene where Gandalf stands up to the fiery demon of the deep called the Balrog. Gandalf has been the faithful and knowledgeable guide of the Fellowship throughout their journey. Up until this point, no one has really seen his true power displayed, but we mainly see his wisdom and his fondness of the Hobbits. Then, deep in the earth as they passed through the mines, they are pursued by this Balrog, a giant beast, cloaked in dark fire and possessing a power greater than any of the Fellowship… except for Gandalf. He told the rest to run to safety, while he turned to face this ancient creature and unveil his true power. He lets loose. In that moment, he speaks out his true identity, the servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor, and light envelops him. The dark creature falls as the power of the Secret Fire within Gandalf is released. That is the power within us.
1 Corinthians 2 talks a lot about the power of God and what the Spirit brings us. I specifically love verse 7, which says, “But we impart a secret and hidden wisdom of God, which God decreed before the ages for our glory.” We possess this secret wisdom; we are wielders of the light of life; servants of the Holy Fire. When we understand this, we walk with peace because we know we have power. And as this light draws us home, we are called to simply illuminate the darkness around us so that others can see the path that leads home as well.
When we finally come to understand who we are and the power within us, what beautiful adventures await us. Jesus is taking us to places we could only have dreamed of. He has a beautiful path unfurled before each of us when we accept who we are. The hero is the one who does not back away from the road ahead, but seizes his calling and the journey that it takes him on. As Tolkien wrote in one of his books,
Still round the corner there may wait,
A new road or secret gate,
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I,
Shall take the hidden paths that run,
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.
I think we all want to take those hidden paths that lead to glory.
This is the second installment in our current series from blogger Johnny Hedger.
You can check him on Instagram @hedgerjc or jump over to The Cell and the Coracle where he shares his adventures.
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