#aexuality

I also don't know that Ace/Aro really fits me but whatever I'm experiencing is at least Ace/Aro adjacent because there's a major overlap in experiences - getting frustrated with compulsory sexuality/romance, chaffing against society being organized around romantic and sexual coupling, simply not having impulses that my friends and family do. I made the decision very young that I didn't want to get married. I wanted to care for children but I didn't necessarily want to physically have any. So I knew from a pretty young age I was going a different route - in those ways I really relate to a lot of aceness.

However, I'm hearing from so many people that dating has become exhausting. And it's substantially more of a sentiment than it was say 10 years ago. Research backs this up - fewer people are dating and having sex. The younger you are, the more pronounced this is. So clearly there's also been a cultural shift in and around dating that's made it unsustainable for a lot of people as well. I'm sure that's also shaping my desire too.

So it's difficult to parse for me.

I think I have very little in the way of advice for long term relationships for a few reasons.

One, while I've been with my partner for seven years, it's been a tumultuous relationship. She was originally diagnosed with BPD and more recently was diagnosed with NPD. While I care about her a whole lot, she's not exactly emotionally available and it's taken years of painstaking effort on my part to establish norms and guide us toward a point of relative stability in our home life. Even if therapy and treatment eventually lead to her being more available, the likelihood of other aspects of a typical relationship (sexual desire, level of romantic reciprocity, etc) lining up seem low.

"Then leave!" I always hear.

No. Because on some level this works. We both are polyam/relationship anarchists who value our friendships very highly and build parts of our lives around them. We have similar preferences in how home and finances should be maintained. She has few preferences in areas I have many and vice versa. She's very good at things I suck at (bureaucracy, paying bills, speaking with officials, etc) and I'm good at things she sucks at (meal planning, ordering and organizing inventory, maintaining a social calendar, etc). While she's far from perfect, she's the most functional and helpful roommate I've ever had. I simply cannot afford to live on my own and neither could she.

So I feel like I have little to offer in the way of long term relationship advice other than don't be afraid to establish relationship norms that aren't common in other relationships. If the other person is on board, you're not harming any one. I know of no one who's been living with someone for 5+ years who has stuck 100% to the classic romantic formula for success.

My parents have been together for 30+ years and have always maintained a high degree of autonomy and alone time - even with my mom's stroke leaving her paralyzed on her right side several years ago. I have a friend who's lived separately in the same town from her long term partner of multiple years and they're both quite happy with that arrangement. I think often of the research lead I worked under who lived in a completely different city than her husband for 10+ years. They visited each other's spaces most weekends but not all.

A lot of things people swear are innately part of a relationship are really optional. The base model is respect and mutual appreciation, everything else is an upsell. Take it or leave it.

Per dressing to express - I think miscommunication is just always going to happen. People act according to their lenses and there's no way to completely circumvent that. And yeah, they're hellishly rude and can even be dangerous about that but there's no way to be totally free of it since it's so far outside of ones own control.

I have found no way to accurately communicate my sexuality/preferences through my appearance with any reliability. My classic example of this for me is that it seems like no matter how I dress, people on dating apps assume I'm a top/dom/pleasure centered. Even when I included a picture of me in self bondage and explicitly listed my preferences on one more open minded app - only seemed to get interest from bottoms/subs/pleasure centered folks. Many of whom didn't bother to ask they were so certain - just based on my look. I've just come away from those experiences pretty convinced that people see what they want to see regardless of how hard you try to communicate yourself.

So fuck em. As frustrating as it all is there's really only one path I've found - do what you want (as long as you're not hurting anyone.)

🚨 Queer Sex Ed: EPISODE 3 HAS DROPPED!

Sex can get complicated when and if we want to bring a partner into the mix - so asked some IRL friends to talk about their own sexual (and asexual) relationships while professional sex educators Dr. Lexx and Melina Gaze listen in to react and bust some myths.

Consent and respect are always key!

Feelings, I guess. Like, I love all my friends, but I’m not IN love with my friends. I wouldn’t want to live with some of my friends as roommates, never mind marry them.

My basically wife (five more days), on the other hand, I know I’m in love with because I can see a future where we’re together and happy and have a family (which, ya know.... is good, because again, five days). Kissing and having sex and all that isn’t proof of being in love -- I would think of it as more of a bonus. Like ice cream. If you get ice cream with toppings, it’s good. But ice cream without toppings is just as good.

Okay now I need a treat brb.

...

Okay I have cake. Anyways, that’s not to say that people who have sex aren’t just as valid -- there’s no wrong way to have a romantic -- there is ALMOST no wrong way to have a romantic relationship, excluding ones that are abusive in some way (physically, mentally, emotionally, or all of the above). Shai knew going into our relationship that I was ace, and it’s never bothered her. We’re happy together because we’re in love, with or without a physical aspect of the relationship.

If you have a partner and they try to pressure you into sex when you don’t want it (ace or not, really), then they’re not the right person for you, and get at least 50000000000000 miles away from them. 

Summer Bird Blue is the first novel I’d read about an aroace character that I relate to and I absolutely love it. It’d be great if you’d give my review a read!

https://queeryourbookshelf.wixsite.com/website/post/summer-bird-blue-a-more-in-depth-review