For the longest time I’ve been thinking these thoughts as well that I don’t think the Ace label fits me completely. It’s not completely wrong but it’s not the whole picture. Before I came to this same understanding I made the decision to not have children or get married. Now that I’m coming to terms with the fact that I actually have low energy I’m still not sure how life will look. I was starting to think that I was non commital and that my ideal relationship would just be a long term partner. I don’t think I have the energy for « society’s relationship expectations » and I don’t feel like bothering other people because I already know they don’t want to deal with me. What are some of your long term relationships tips? It’s either that or I stay single forever which is an idea that’s I’ve always considered as an option. One of the things with being Ace is that when you don’t just follow the script that’s when your the villain. Any other time our sexuality is convient for the system so it’s fine but the minute it starts disrupting their program suddenly what was once admirable is now disdained. Can we briefly mention what sexual power looks like when your this sexuality. I’m super self conscious about how I dress because I know I can’t event express my sexuality the way I want to because people might get the wrong impression. I’m not looking for anything I’m expressing myself because with the little energy I have left I use for creativity. I don’t have a problem with people doing things to signal sexual willingness my problem is the violence in our society when someone finds you hot and you don’t want to « put out » That’s not even getting into the mind games that the genders are playing with each other just the idea of it makes me not want to date. I’m tired just thinking about it. I’m really starting to imagine my life as the village witch living in the forest far from the villagers.
I also don't know that Ace/Aro really fits me but whatever I'm experiencing is at least Ace/Aro adjacent because there's a major overlap in experiences - getting frustrated with compulsory sexuality/romance, chaffing against society being organized around romantic and sexual coupling, simply not having impulses that my friends and family do. I made the decision very young that I didn't want to get married. I wanted to care for children but I didn't necessarily want to physically have any. So I knew from a pretty young age I was going a different route - in those ways I really relate to a lot of aceness.
However, I'm hearing from so many people that dating has become exhausting. And it's substantially more of a sentiment than it was say 10 years ago. Research backs this up - fewer people are dating and having sex. The younger you are, the more pronounced this is. So clearly there's also been a cultural shift in and around dating that's made it unsustainable for a lot of people as well. I'm sure that's also shaping my desire too.
So it's difficult to parse for me.
I think I have very little in the way of advice for long term relationships for a few reasons.
One, while I've been with my partner for seven years, it's been a tumultuous relationship. She was originally diagnosed with BPD and more recently was diagnosed with NPD. While I care about her a whole lot, she's not exactly emotionally available and it's taken years of painstaking effort on my part to establish norms and guide us toward a point of relative stability in our home life. Even if therapy and treatment eventually lead to her being more available, the likelihood of other aspects of a typical relationship (sexual desire, level of romantic reciprocity, etc) lining up seem low.
"Then leave!" I always hear.
No. Because on some level this works. We both are polyam/relationship anarchists who value our friendships very highly and build parts of our lives around them. We have similar preferences in how home and finances should be maintained. She has few preferences in areas I have many and vice versa. She's very good at things I suck at (bureaucracy, paying bills, speaking with officials, etc) and I'm good at things she sucks at (meal planning, ordering and organizing inventory, maintaining a social calendar, etc). While she's far from perfect, she's the most functional and helpful roommate I've ever had. I simply cannot afford to live on my own and neither could she.
So I feel like I have little to offer in the way of long term relationship advice other than don't be afraid to establish relationship norms that aren't common in other relationships. If the other person is on board, you're not harming any one. I know of no one who's been living with someone for 5+ years who has stuck 100% to the classic romantic formula for success.
My parents have been together for 30+ years and have always maintained a high degree of autonomy and alone time - even with my mom's stroke leaving her paralyzed on her right side several years ago. I have a friend who's lived separately in the same town from her long term partner of multiple years and they're both quite happy with that arrangement. I think often of the research lead I worked under who lived in a completely different city than her husband for 10+ years. They visited each other's spaces most weekends but not all.
A lot of things people swear are innately part of a relationship are really optional. The base model is respect and mutual appreciation, everything else is an upsell. Take it or leave it.
Per dressing to express - I think miscommunication is just always going to happen. People act according to their lenses and there's no way to completely circumvent that. And yeah, they're hellishly rude and can even be dangerous about that but there's no way to be totally free of it since it's so far outside of ones own control.
I have found no way to accurately communicate my sexuality/preferences through my appearance with any reliability. My classic example of this for me is that it seems like no matter how I dress, people on dating apps assume I'm a top/dom/pleasure centered. Even when I included a picture of me in self bondage and explicitly listed my preferences on one more open minded app - only seemed to get interest from bottoms/subs/pleasure centered folks. Many of whom didn't bother to ask they were so certain - just based on my look. I've just come away from those experiences pretty convinced that people see what they want to see regardless of how hard you try to communicate yourself.
So fuck em. As frustrating as it all is there's really only one path I've found - do what you want (as long as you're not hurting anyone.)
Cause like what the fuck else is there to do?
