#adhd productivity

-"I know it's tough but if you sit down and just get this one more little bit of writing done for me, you can play Minecraft and watch a show when you get home! Doesn't that sound fun? Alright just a bit more!"

-"Yes I know washing the dishes is very boring, but guess what! You can listen to that funny video you really like while you do it, doesn't that sound fun buddy?"

-"You wanna buy a treat? Hey y'know what else would make you super cool tho? if you could save money this time! You're gonna be sooo rich! And there's a really tasty treat you can have when you get home! Wow yes that's it you're so good at saving money! You can have a treat next time, okay?"

-"I know it seems really boring and scary, but let's just go and see how you feel when you get there, okay? We can listen to that song you really like on the way!"

Sometimes the kid in my brain just stops listening and has a tantrum and then I feel like an unsuccessful parent to that child or I get really mad at the child for not doing enough, but sometimes the kid needs an easy fun play day to calm down, sometimes I gotta slowly ease the kid back into an activity that seems daunting

I am not talking about in the abstract way of “I should really get my life together”, I am talking about wanting it so fiercely that your bones ache with the weight of everything you could become while somehow sitting still and letting it all pass by. There is a current within me begging for movement and I know I should give in but I struggle to. I struggle with doing the things I truly want to do because of the pressure I put on them… on me. 

I have heard it called procrastination, but it’s more than that. It’s something that sucks the life from me - it’s Executive Dysfunction. Essentially it is like I am standing at a door with the wrong key in my hand and I can’t go anywhere. There is only one way forward - a door I can’t access, so I must sit down and wait to get the right key. “How will you find this key?” You may ask. I have no clue… I am still working on it. 

The cruelest part is that I know what I want - A life that feels like it’s my own. No more masking, no more 9-5, and no more fighting against my mind. I want peace, abundance, and love. 

I wake up with what feels like a thousand things I want to do and I end up spending the day fighting for the privilege of beginning. It feels like a curse to be starving like this and motionless to stop it all at the same time. 

ADHD seems to ask more of me than I am capable of. I don’t have the energy for the negotiations that will inevitably occur. I don’t have the mental fortitude it takes to take on the mountain of small tasks that I had to write out because the real task was too jarring on its own. 

Then I wonder if I truly am lazy or a procrastinator at heart. Do I not want it enough? 

Except I do. 

Of course I do.

I go to bed dreaming of her. The woman I want to be, and she is so close that it feels like my hands brush hers before I am ripped away to wake up and do it all again. 

I cannot bare the thought of spending the majority of my life this way, and I cannot bare the idea that I will be stuck spending my time building someone else’s dream while my own gathers dust in the corner. I am not made for that and I can’t pretend I am anymore. I am restless and ready to make an impact. I need to make an impact… but first I need to find that thread in myself that will truly change something within me. I understand this can’t be forced, but I am holding onto the hope that if given the right environment and understanding, I can change - I can be her.