#addams! reader

Part 6: cellblock tango

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The very last thing Bruce expected to be woken up early for was this, Alfred shaking him awake just to shove a too bright phone in his face while talking about something and jail, when his sleep heavy eyes finally peeled open and got an eyeful of what was on the phone he sat bolt upright.

“How'd you wind up in here, spooky.” one of the braver inmates sidles up beside you to speak, not getting close enough for the blood to rub off on his denim jacket of course.

“oh I just got into a little back and forth with a rather rude fellow, you know how it goes.”

Your casual response would be funny if you weren't locked in a holding cell with them covered in blood, the other people huddle at the furthest end from you, watching you cheerily converse with the spiky haired punk with alarmed expressions.

“…. Sure, it happens. Just curious….. Who'd you gank? Bet it was ugly if you're…looking like this.” The man keeps his distance even as he speaks, rubbing tattooed knuckles up and down the front of his torn dark colored jeans nervously despite his brave air.

“gank, what a funny word. No I'm in this lovely little place because a man was very unpleasant to this-”

“Mx Addams, you've got a visitor.” your mouth shuts with an audible clack of your teeth in the too-quiet holding cell when you're interrupted by a bored looking officer, the woman unlocks the metal barred door and gestures for you.

“Oh? I was under the impression I was staying here for the foreseeable future. Is it my roomies?” You're a bit disappointed to be pulled away from your new-new friend but alas, you have a visitor! Who cares if that doesn't make sense considering the due process and all that.

“I don't know your relation to him and I don't care, come this way.” the lady pushes her glasses up her nose and pulls out a set of handcuffs as soon as you get close, well it's clearly not your roommates if it's a him, maybe it's one of your delightful acquaintances.

You don't hear the multiple sighs of relief from in the cell as you're pulled down the hall.

The woman practically pushes you into a small room and shuts the door between you two, the walls are plain white and the flooring is just plain brown paneling, and it's rather cramped with the large table and three chairs taking up most of the space. Before you can start entertaining yourself the door opens behind you, your best friend Alfred is here!

“Oh hello my friend! I didn't realize you were in this jail too! Don't tell me you've finally snapped and sank into your darkest impulses, you sly thing you should tell me these things.”

“can you not right now.” Bruce huffs as he shuffles in behind Alfred and shuts the door, both men grimace at the sight of the dried blood caked on your body.

“Oh you're here too.” You say calmly while waving at Bruce with your still cuffed hands.

Bruce looks at you questioningly at the different treatment. “You don't sound surprised.”

“I knew you'd succumb to the darkness within your heart as soon as I'd met you.” you just shrug while stepping back to make room for the two men in the small space. They share a silent look and both move around you to sit at the table, at their expectant glances you quickly join them.

Alfred clears his throat loudly while resting his hands on the table. “…. So, care to share how you wound up in….. This predicament you've found yourself in?”

“What predicament.” Bruce pinches the bridge of his nose tightly when you say that, the man looks about ready to smack his head on the table. “You violently stabbed someone in the middle of a street.”

“Oh, that. That was just a little Tom foolery that got exciting. You should try it sometime my friends!”

“…just tell us what happened.”

“Fine, it all started when I took my roomies out on the town-” Alfred interrupts you quickly. “Who are your ‘roomies’?”

“My friends! I've named them cousin Looney and cousin venom, I don't think they want to be called Addams yet but we'll see how that goes. Now onto the tale-!”

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“Hurry up the freakin markets gonna close!”

Harley loops her arm through Pamela's and yours and yanks you both down the sidewalk at a slightly too fast pace, the black fur coat she'd borrowed from you nearly falling off her shoulders when Pamela pulls her out of the way of a crosswalk pole.

“Calm your tits harl, watching you bounce around is giving me a migraine.” Pamela casually brushes her hand against a wilting tree in a sidewalk cage as you walk by it and makes it perk up and grow a few feet taller.

You glance over at the both of them with a big smile on your face. “I happen to enjoy migraines.”

Harley snorts at that while Pamela scowls at you and rolls her eyes. “Oh of course you do, you've got regular money right? You're not embarrassing me with that coin crap tonight.” Her voice is gruff, yet she still pulls you by pulling on Harley out of the way of a car getting too close to the edge of the sidewalk.

“Of course I do! You know I know this horrible little stand that sells vegetables we should go there first before-”

A scream further down the street cuts you off, looking around in confusion the three of you watch as the crowds all move in the opposite direction, clearly Gothamites know when to clear out.

“Sounds like someone's having a little problem.” Pamela pulls out a piece of gum and then hits the crosswalk sign with her elbow.

“We should go look!” “We should go watch the peril!” You and Harley nearly speak over each other, you say a quick apology while Pamela frowns at the both of you.

“Weren't you just complaining about time? We should go while the market crowds are clearing out, less foot traffic right now.”

Harley whips around to look at Pamela, jostling you a bunch since her arms still looped through yours. “babycakes.”

Pamela looks at her with narrowed eyes while starting to tug her across the street, popping her gum loudly. “Don't ‘babycakes’ me, I'm being the responsible once since you both can't do anything right.”

Another scream echoes down the dark street, this time much louder and more shrill. You and Harley share a conspiring look and you take the lead to start tugging your little monkey chain down the middle of the street while Harley holds onto Pamela tightly.

“Come on my demented dames! Just a little peek then we'll be on our way!” Your voice just makes Pamela's face screw up and she huffs loudly, Harley grins widely, accidentally smearing black lipstick on her teeth, not that she notices of course. “Yeah come on ives! We've been missin out on mischief for a while anywho.”

Pamela grunts angrily, yet allows you two to drag her down the dark and empty streets, no longer resisting but she's also not exactly enthusiastic about it either. “When we go home empty-handed I don't wanna hear one single peep of complaint.”

“Help! Someone help me!” The three of you pause in your tracks when a child runs down the street yelling, when they spot you they freeze in place for a second before quickly Glancing over their shoulder and then running over you your little group. Latching onto Harleys borrowed coat tightly.

“Woah there shortie! Watch the grubby paws!” Harley looks down at the kid in alarm, she pulls her arms away from yours and Pamela's to grab the kids shoulders.

“Ugh, kids. Let's go before they start crying on one of us.” Pamela tugs on one of Harleys pigtails, she glances over at you expecting to see your awkward ass backing off, but she's surprised when you squat down next to the kid to address them.

“Hello random screaming child!” you smile widely at the kid while they take a hesitant step back, they quickly look over their shoulder once again before turning and starting to speak quickly.

“you…. You people gotta help me! There's a weird man after me!”

“A weird man?” Harley joins you in squatting down to talk to the kid, Pamela scowls and crosses her arms. “We don't have time for this.”

Harley quickly turns her head to pout up at her. “Red that's cruel, sounds like the shorties in some kinda trouble!”

You look back at the kid and smile at them again. “Ignore them, I happen to love trouble! Why don't you tell me what's going on?”

The kid scuffs their shoe on the street nervously, but before they could reply a new figure runs up to the group.

“Finally, there you are!” When the person, a guy with baggy clothes and shaggy brown hair runs up to you, the kid shoves behind you and clings to your clothing tightly. “That's the weird man!”

“I'm not a weirdo! Sorry about my niece, she likes throwing tantrums and running out of the house. Sorry for the inconvenience…” the guy steps closer while gesturing at the kid with one hand, the other hand shoved in his baggy sweatshirt pocket.

“He's lying! I don't know him at all! He said he knew my mom and grabbed me, and when I tried to pull away he hit me!” The kid points to their face while Harley leans down to look at the mark, Pamela's eyes narrow at the man while you stand up.

“You're a kid smacker eh?” Harley looks at the man with a frown while stepping in front of the kid to block them from view, the man looks nervously between the three of you before backing up a few steps.

“You're taking their word over an adults? Come on…I just need to get them home to my sister since it's so late….”

“You're not my uncle!”

Pamela sighs and glares at the man tiredly.

“You, tell me this kids name right now if you're related to them.” She then leans down to the kid, her voice low. “Whisper your name to me squirt.”

The kid hurriedly leans over and cups their hands around their mouth while you and Harley watch, Harley keeps glancing at the guy with an angry expression on her face.

The guy starts backing away more, the fact that he isn't answering says enough.

“I….. She could just tell you a random name anyways…. She's just being a brat, I swear!….”

“Like anyone's buying that!” Harley starts to stomp over to the guy while you and Pamela quickly follow her, the man suddenly pulls his hand out of his pocket and brandishes a hunting knife at the three of you.

“Back off freaks! I'll gut all of you!”

Pamela just looks at the man with disgust while raising a hand and gesturing at one of the nearby shrubs, Harley pulls a regular hammer out of her pocket and squares up, and you?

“I have one of those too!” You excitedly pull your own dagger out of one of your long sleeves, how was it up there? Who knows!

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“Hang on a second, hang on.”

Bruce interrupts you rather rudely, both men are leaning into the table with there elbows rested in it, wearing matching disturbed expressions after you've mostly recounted last night's events.

“You're saying you beat up and stabbed a man who was kidnapping a child?”

You nod quickly, casually picking at the dried blood flakes under your nails while staring at the two men. “That's right, normally I'm all about a little consensual stabbing between friends but this man wasn't my friend.”

Alfred just shakes his head and tilts his head up to look at the ceiling exasperatedly, the older man grumbling curses under his breath. Bruce just crosses his arms with an unreadable expression on his face as he studies you.

“…I don't even-you're already trending in Twitter for this, and you're not even being sentenced yet…”

You give both men a confused look. “I'm on Twitter?”

“Mhmm, look at this…” asked pulls his phone out and shows you a screenshot, it looks like a still of a video taken from someone's window of the incident, the title reads ‘angry gays and a Goth attack PDF file in the road, #onlyingotham’

You stare at The phone for a long moment but looking back at them and shrugging your shoulders, gesturing with your still-cuffed hands at yourself.

“Nothing to be done about that, yeah? Looks like I'm stuck in this lovely little place for the foreseeable future, I just hope cousin Looney and cousin venom remember to check the mail and feed the swamp creatures for me.”

Just then the door to the interrogation room opens, the same bored looking woman from before sticks her head in to address you.

“Addams, you're out on bail.”

“What!?” The three people sitting say at the same time, Bruce and Alfred sound surprised and you sound upset.

“How on earth did that happen so fast?”

“The kid you saved’s mother set up a GoFundMe for you and then some old hag came and paid off the majority.” the woman shrugs and walks over to you and starts to undo your cuffs, you can't even be too disappointed at your newfound freedom because there's only one old hag that it could be.

“Oh! Grandmamas here!”

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A/n: this was heavily inspired by this one harlivy comic panel I saw floating around years ago, reader gets into some legal trouble! 😵‍💫

Part 5: picking up a good read

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Barbara was having a good day, she really was. the sun was out for once and the people in the library were all behaving themselves beautifully, as if infected by the warmth shining through the large windows. her coworker even brought her a caramel iced macchiato unprompted, Then you walked up to her.

She didn't mean to gawk at you, really. She's a professional after all. But she's heard a lot about you the last two weeks from multiple sources, from Cass expressing concern to dick ranting like you made an attempt on his life with your cooking.

She smiles thinly at you when you clear your throat, right, gaping at bystanders is rude.

“Ahem, how can I help you?” what could you possibly want at the library? Please don't start asking about something demonic or inappropriate-

“Hi, I'd like to check these out please.” They smile as they drop a few books on the counter and slide them within grabbing range, Barbara is averse to taking her eyes off you even as you stand there with an innocent, unfaltering grin, yet she forces herself to act normal as she grabs at the books and takes the brakes off her wheelchair…. Botany encyclopedias? Please don't be something nefarious-

“oh are you starting a garden? I tried that last spring, didn't go well.” it's a weak attempt at probing and she knows it, she just hopes it's not that obvious.

You pace the other side of the counter to keep even with her as she rolls over to the computer, still wearing that unnerving smile on your lips. “Something like that, my roommate is quite upset in my plant rearing abilities so I thought I'd do a little reading.”

Barbara knew you didn't have a ‘roommate’ as of two days ago, dick or Bruce would've noticed. How'd that change so fast?

“oh, that's nice of you…. You got plans for a bit of horticulture around your place then? I'm jealous at anyone with a green thumb honestly.”

She sets the books on the counter next to the computer, taking her sweet time to scan them just so she can try to squeeze anything out of you. You've been nothing but polite besides the creepy staring- yet she's more than suspicious of you, you're not just some rich goth with antisocial traits, God knows she's seen plenty of that around this city. you're….. Off. Maybe she's been around zatanna too much.

“maybe a few house plants.” Barbara almost sighs in relief at that.

“though my new roommate does seem fond of the carnivorous ones, she's already covered the front gate in some lovely meat eating fly traps.”

Barbara knew it was too soon to relax.

“Oh….. Sounds fascinating.” She's floundering a bit, her smile getting tighter as she grips the wheel bar tighter with one hand.

You smile wider, either happy with how the conversation is going or you're reveling in her discomfort. For whatever reason Barbara thinks you're somehow not picking up on it.

You reach into your pocket and Barbara tenses, eyes widening behind her glasses as she waits for you to pull something horrible. Instead you pull out a…coin? “Thank you very kindly my friend! Do you accept gold here?” Who the hell carries gold coins around-

“I…. I've never asked?” this isn't how she expected her afternoon to go, she doesn't want to call her supervisor to ask what the libraries stance on paying check outs with gold of all things. She just wanted to sort the last of her stacks and then go home and binge watch bridgerton until it was time for night activities.

“If it's a bother I'll go fetch my wallet my dear.” you lean against the edge of the counter with that same big stupid weirdly friendly smile on your face as you stare down at her.

that’s…..weirdly accomodating? barbara doesn’t see that much with the general public, she just hopes you’re not the type to pay with pennies next thing.

“….that would be appreciated, i don’t think we can process your……currency. sorry.” she tries not to wince as she speaks, watching you put the coins back in your pocket while she neatly stacks the books just so she has something to do with her hands, please stop staring at her.

“that’s perfectly alright! can i leave my books here or is there somewhere out of the way for them?” god barbara doesn’t want to be charmed by your politeness.

“here is fine, there isn’t exactly a line waiting on you…” you both glance around the library at that, this place doesn’t see much traffic on weekdays.

she watches you nod enthusiastically and turn to stroll out without another word, she only cringes a little when she watches you physically recoil when you walk out into the sunlight before continuing your little quest, god you’re like an awkward vampire. she waits until she’s sure you’re out of sight before pulling her phone out and sending a quick text to the groupchat, she doesn’t think you’ll try anything but she still wants to keep tabs on you. she quickly mutes her phone when she sees you coming back around the corner.

“so sorry for the inconvenience my friend!” you say a little too loudly, an old lady with a thick pair of bifocals and tight white curls loudly shushes you, barbara tries not to laugh as you whip around to stare at the woman and just as loudly apologize to her, the elder obviously flinches back from your appearance, she does a hail mary while turning around and shuffling away on clicking knees without another word to you.

barb almost pities you.

“anywho, about those books?” you turn back towards her and drop a hundred dollar bill on the counter between the both of you, that weird stare once again locked on her. barbara deadpans at the large bill.

“…..you know it’s a five dollar check out fee, right?”

“i’m well aware my good friend! i was under the impression tipping was still acceptable in new jersey.” barbara can’t tell if you’re snarking her under that painfully wide grin, once again she finds you almost endearing, maybe it’s just the money buttering her up.

“okay, funny. alright i’ll finish this up hang on…” she takes the brakes off and rolls over to the old register, a small smile on her face despite her initial dislike of you. being nice to public workers is a quick way to endear yourself to barb after all.

with the tip tucked in her pocket she bags the books up and watches you stroll towards the door, calling over your shoulder as you go. “bye have a terrible day my friend!” to the chagrin of many, multiple people shushing you as you duck back out the door.

“by lucifer this weather is absolutely horrid!”

this time barbara giggles as she watches you dramatically try to cover yourself from the sun, there’s something kinda entertaining about how….comfortable you are with yourself.

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“repeat it.” Pamela stands over you with crossed arms and a sour expression on her face as she taps her shoe on the floor impatiently, Harleys doing something in the play room but all your focus is on the green-skinned woman in front of your sitting form.

“Don't feed saltwater to the plants.” You meet her eyes as you lean back against the couch and her expression hardens. “And?”

“Don't cut them down, and if I'm going to feed them blood and bones, ask you first so I don't give them too much nitrogen.”

You parrot her earlier yelled words dutifully, for a moment she looks as if she's going to scold you like a child but then she just sighs and nods her head. At least you were making an effort to listen to her, unlike some people in this house.

“good, as long as I see you actually following through with obeying then we'll have less problems.”

“ooh is someone getting the red special? I wanna watch!” Harley darts in the room and sits on the edge of the coffin-table, resting her elbows on her knees with a large grin on her face.

Pamela rolls her eyes as she glances back at her and points an accusing finger at her. “You're lucky you're not alongside them, I know you helped them feed my babies blood earlier. You two nearly made the ferns sick!”

although her words are just as harsh as she was with you earlier, her tone is much gentler with her girlfriend. You just sigh wistfully as you watch them while getting comfy.

“Ah, you two remind me of when I watched my dear Gomez and Morticia court each other. You'll be making sacred oaths in blood under the moonlight before you know it. I just hope I get to bring the ceremonial athame.” You wipe at your teary eyes while they both deadpan at you with varying degrees of annoyance.

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A/n: apologies for how late this update is! Been a bit busy dealing with the bad weather in my area

Part 7: call the nursing home, and maybe a priest…

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“who knew an old woman could disappear from a lobby so quickly.”

The lady officer scratches the back of her head confusedly while looking through the security tapes over and over again, trying to figure out what happened to the ancient woman that was just here not even twenty minutes ago.

You, who's still covered in dried blood, lean against the counter interestedly as the lady switches cameras to watch the woman hurriedly hobble out of the parking lot onto the streets.

“Oh that's no surprise to me at all, it's how she's avoided being committed.” You sigh wistfully and pull a handkerchief out of your pocket to wipe at your brow as if that'll cleanse the long-dried scarlet mess of you.

“Committed to what? A retirement home?” Alfred grunts in offense at Bruce's remark, both men share a look when you sigh even louder and dramatically toss your handkerchief down.

“No, the sanitarium.” You turn away from the desk and start to head towards the glass double-doors leading in and out of the police station, marching like a soldier training for war. “I'll be needing to find the ol thing, who knows what that witch will get into in this city.”

Bruce rolls his eyes and follows after you rather quickly, your pace is surprisingly fast. “Witch? I take it you don't get on with her then?” He murmurs a bit hesitantly, unsure if family affairs are off limits with you. Then again he doesn't think anything is really considered off limits in your books.

Your shoes practically squeak as you spin around to face the man, eyes creepily wide as you shake your head quickly. “Oh no! Me and grandmama get along like a house and fire, or like maggots on a carcass, or like- you get the point. That's just simply what she is.”

Bruce feels like this entire day is setting up to already be awful, call it a gut feeling or intuition, he just knows he's going to regret getting out of bed this morning.

“…. She's a witch.” He doesn't even bother to act polite in the moment, he'd rather deal with aliens in Gotham than a magic user. Please don't be serious, please don't be serious-

“Mhmm! The best of the best! You should see the old purse get going when she's had a bit of Googie juice, she'll predict futures, look at your past lives, and contact the forgotten things in the cold dimension. She also likes magic mud wrestling.” You again turn on your heel and head for the door after dropping that on Bruce and Alfred, clearly not caring for the impact you've created.

“Oh my God…. Wait, wait a minute.” Bruce scrubs a hand down his face and quickly grabs at your arm before you get too far, what the hell is wrong with you?

Alfred steps in front of you as well, effectively cutting off your path. “Mx Addams, don't you think you should get yourself cleaned up right now? I'm certain it'll make looking for your grandmother…. Easier on the public.”

Him and Bruce share a relieved look over your shoulder when you glance down at yourself and frown, surely you're going to agree- “I see no issue here, I'm sure the blood of the wicked will attract her to me, like catnip!”

“Can you please do this one thing? Make my life just the tiniest bit easier today?” Does Bruce feel pathetic begging? Yes, yes he does. He doesn't like things deviating away from his ideals, even in his public persona he doesn't plead outside of something playful with non-acquaintance's. He's just glad Alfred doesn't look at him.

“i don’t usually make a habit of making things easy for people, but i suppose i could do this for my very good friend!” you don’t get what the big deal everyone is so focused on, but you’ll play ball. you wanna see if your roomies made it home all right anyways.

alfred and bruce both share a sigh of relief and start pulling you away from the main lobby to try and get you out a side door so you’re less likely to scare the general public. “wonderful, i’m sure your grandmother is fine….and the police will be keeping an eye out for her besides.”

you hum uncertainly as alfred speaks, yet still let the men guide you outside and towards their car. “i believe you my good friend, but i’m not sure they’ll want to find her. grandmama doesn’t like the authorities all that much.”

both men look at you questioningly as they usher you into their vehicle, bruce is the one to question you once you’re all seated. “is it a…witch thing?”

“hmm? oh, no. grandmama was arrested at stonewall.” at that bruce actually chuckles quietly in relief while alfred starts up the car.

“that sounds better than what i was imagining honestly…”

“really? now you’ve got me curious! she was casting fireballs at the police and nearly managed to catch one for a sacrifice but now i want to know what you were imagining, i want ideas!”

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after the awkward car ride back to your neighborhood you’re quick to say goodbye to the men and trot up the long driveway to your own manor, dodging around snapping carnivorous plants and aggressive vines, you don’t have time to be slowly eaten right now after all!

your hearse is parked in the driveway so clearly the dames made it home last night most likely in one piece, that man wasn’t very good with his knife after all, poor ladies. the angry screaming you can barely hear from in the manor confuses you though, it’s past tea time isn’t it? you check your pocket watch just to make sure you’re not mistaken.

“get out you big freak! get out of our house!” that sounds like pamela? surely the swamp rats didn’t get in again! when you open the front door you see what’s going on.

“you heard the redhead! get lost before we smash ya head open zombie!”

harley’s hanging off the moose head waving around one of your swords while pamela has plants wrapped around her arms and legs defensively, both women yelling at the top of their lungs at the statuesque figure standing stock still in your front room….

“(Name)? Watch out there's a big freak here-” Harley starts to yell but the words die out as you quickly shut the front door and dart in the room.

“lurch? oh is that really you my friend? i’m so happy to see you!” you quickly run over to the giant of a man and throw yourself at him while the two women fall silent at your sudden appearance, their expressions twisted in horrified confusion while the giant turns and wraps you in a bone-crushing hug, his face still as expressionless as when he first entered the home. “hello, master addams.”

the strange mans extremely deep voice makes the two confused women flinch, but you just laugh heartily while he squeezes the life out of you.

“you sneaky devil! did you come down with grandmama just to see me incarcerated? oh you should’ve told me! i would’ve thrown extra itching powder in a couple of the guest rooms!”

pamela sighs loudly and walks over to you, interrupting your reunion while her plants retreat to her arms like little green kittens. “hang on, hang on a second. this is one of your relatives?”

you glance over at her, still being held off the ground by the giant. “well, he has the heart of an addams so yes!”

harley quickly scrambles off the moose head and trots over to push pamela aside to question you. “forget about all that! how’re you home? i thought you was in the slammer?”

“i got bailed out!” lurch drops you like a potato sack and you land on your face, causing both women to wince before you leap back to your feet to continue on like nothing happened.

pamela looks confused though and quickly pushes harley out of her way to properly scowl at you with crossed arms. “i’m pretty sure you need to go through court and have a judge set your bail before you can-” “that’s not important right now, cousin venom! i’m home and i need to get cleaned up so i can go find grandmama…..she’s not here right?”

you quickly turn on your heel to stare up at lurch questioningly, he slowly shakes his head in response. “grandmama is in the city, master addams.”

you quickly whirl back around to face the two women again while dramatically gesturing at yourself. “so then i need to find her! i’m getting cleaned up and ready to go back out on the town before grandmama does something crazy, i’d like to watch it happen after all!”

“well have fun with that i guess, i’m laying low for a while…” pamela turns around and strolls off towards the direction of the library, leaving you with harley and lurch.

“welp, looks like it’s just us three then!”

“nuh-uh, nope. i’m staying here with my woman today…sorry kooky spooky.” harley shrugs and then quickly darts away before you can start lamenting at her or something. undeterred, you just grin up at the giant butler and turn towards the door. “looks like it’s just us two! come along mr lurch!”

he grabs the back of your coat and firmly stops you in your tracks before you can even take three steps. “master addams, aren’t you forgetting something.”

“um….i didn’t forget grandmama? she ran away so it’s a technicality my good friend.”

“master addams, you were saying you wished to bathe first?”

startled, you look down at your blood-covered self as if you’d completely forgotten why you went home in the first place.

“oh right!”

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This has to be a meta, there's no other explanation in Jason's mind when he's looking up at an elderly woman on top of a three story building that doesn't have any ladders or fire escapes on it, maybe it's a cruel, cruel prank someone's pulling on the old bat. For her part she looks rather comfortable nestled in between air conditioning vents and old satellite stands, a falling-apart shawl covers her moth chewed dress and slippers, and…..a lantern sits in the crook of her elbow? Jason doesn't wanna ask. and the poor things bone white hair is a total birds nest around her shoulders. Jason's certain this is a woman who needs a caretaker. Hopefully she's not hurt…

“uh, miss?…. Ma'am can you hear me up there?”

she doesn't so much as twitch at Jason's voice, she's just staring straight ahead with a vacant expression on her wrinkled face like she hasn't a care in the whole world. either she's hard of hearing or she's having a medical event, the thought is enough to spur Jason into action and he quickly starts looking for a way up there.

He circles the building and sees that the only doors in are securely locked and there's no windows on the first floor for him to climb on or break through, so he goes to the neighboring building and climbs the fire escape.

It's an easy jump, though he really doubts the elder managed something like that herself judging by the look of her. She's still sitting when Jason lands with a thump and carefully walks over to her, she could be startled and slip after all.

“Ma'am?….I mean you no harm, I'm just here to check on you…” he speaks slowly and loudly, trying to approach her from the side with raised hands so she might see him without getting scared or something.

She blinks and looks over at him unconcerned, barely even sparing him a glance before looking back over the narrows like it's the most interesting place to be. “Hmm, there you are boy. I was starting to wander when you'd show up, help your grandmama up now.”

She holds her unoccupied arm up expectantly, so Jason carefully pulls her to her feet and steadies her while pulling her away from the buildings ledge, this must be a dementia situation or something, the thought makes his chest ache just a bit but he pushes it down to focus on the woman. “I'm here, let's get you down and get you some help…”

The old lady scoffs and gestures at him with her lantern while he leads her. “don't rush me! I'm still listening!”

She tugs on his arm while gesturing at her ears, which Jason is certain don't work properly, he has a feeling she's maybe stuck in a memory or something since Gothams rather quiet at the moment, unless she's listening to the traffic? He has doubts.

“…oh yeah? Can you sit on this vent and listen? I should make a call real quick…” he's not quite sure how to get her down without doing something that'll jostle and possibly hurt her. So he's got no choice but to call in some backup. Maybe someone with a pole truck with a built in wheel chair?

“Shhh, they're talking about you…” she loudly shushes him, fingers pressed against her thin lips while her unfocused eyes seem to stare through him rather than at him. Jason tries not to shiver.

“all good things I hope, now just sit tight-” he's interrupted by her again shushing him, it's a bit of a struggle to not roll his eyes at her antics now, Jason has to remind himself that she's probably unwell at the moment.

“Shhh….ahh, I see. I see…I'll tell him. Boy, it's not your fault.” The old lady huffs out while dropping down on the vent with a soft thump, her thinning white brows pinch together while her lips pull down into a grimace and she keeps tilting her head around like she's listening to something. It's creeping Jason out, but he ignores it to pull his phone out.

“What's not my fault.” he mutters gruffer than he intended while unlocking his phone, god he needs to get a lid on things.

“Your death.”

Her simple spoken words knock all the thoughts right out of his head though, the tiny thing is just gaping up at him unblinkingly like she's waiting for him to react. Is this a joke? Surely it's not fuck with Jason week just yet. “I-excuse me?”

What the fuck is he supposed to say to that?

She continues on with the same tone of voice like it's nothing. “It's not your fault you died, you weren't ever the bad one out of the bunch, boy. No matter what the living said about it after the fact. The voices know for a fact and they never lie, except when they want to of course.”

She nods her head with some finality before again looking away from him and starting to leer at some pigeons flying above them.

It feels like someone just dumped cold water on his head and slapped the shit out of him, Jason nearly drops his cellphone in what can only be described as animalistic panic, he can feel every hair on his body standing on edge, every breath feels like he's pulling it through a tube, his eyes and mouth feel as dry as sand. He doesn't know what to do for a moment as he hears his heartbeat pounding up in his ears.

“…. What are you-” she again shushes him and points around the empty rooftop. “Don't question it, you'll never be able to decipher their words if you don't listen to them first.”

“What the fuck.”

The old lady cackles at his vulgar words and she honest to God sounds like a stereotypical witch, Jason doesn't know what to do with himself besides backing away from her slowly, what has he walked himself into here!??

“You younguns and your swearing, back in my day we used proper curses when we had the need. Now no one even learns Latin.” She cackles again and slowly pushes herself onto unsteady feet, and then promptly runs away from Jason.

“Wait-oh shit.” Jason follows after her albeit reluctantly, she's probably a mind reader or maybe a magic user? But some part of him is still kinda worried about her popping a hip or something…

“Damn it…come back here ma'am!” He didn't even get her name so he can check if a home is missing some Eldritch horror granny from their care.

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Was Alfred pleased to see the Addams blood free and not smelling like pennies? Yes, but he doesn't appreciate being jump-scared by their very tall friend…

He was just opening the door to the excessive loud knocking when a very large hand landed roughly on his shoulder and nearly knocked him over, he thought he was being attacked before he heard that familiar chipper voice. “Alfred! I've done as asked and look who i brought to meet you!”

He reels back in alarm while you throw both your hands at the tall man, like a celebrity showing off their date to the cameras. The blank stare and dull eyes creep him out far more than he'd care to admit.

“….I see, hello there mister…?” Alfred reluctantly sticks a hand out for a handshake, trying not to grimace at the pair on the front stoop. He's quite relieved when the large man doesn't squeeze him too much.

“Lurch.”

“ah…. Hello master lurch.”

“it's just lurch.”

Alfred just nods mutely before turning away to go find Bruce, preferably quickly. He's not going to argue over titles with the man.

Assuming the open door is an invitation, you stroll right in and follow after Alfred while lurch trails after you dutifully, the place is much too clean and bright for your taste but hey, as Harley says you shan't yuck someone else's yum.

“Ahem, You keep a very…. Nice place here, Alfred.” You say politely while dragging a finger along the underside of a random display table, checking for grime or maybe cobwebs, but alas there isn't even any spiders in here! Lurch steadies a vase you nearly bump over and pulls you away from the table.

To his credit Alfred looks completely composed again despite how you and your companion startled him earlier, he manages to chuckle weakly at the obviously forced compliment as he walks further down the halls, you're like a gothic little duckling that quickly follows after his step. “Thank you, I take great pride in my work for the Wayne's.”

You grin broadly and quickly move up beside him so you can walk backwards to chat with the man. “So does our sweet lurch! You two have so much in common already I think you'd make the best of friends!”

With a quick glance over his shoulder Alfred watches as the stone faced man follows the both of you with a scowl frozen on his odd face, Alfred quickly looks ahead before they make eye contact.

“…. That's lovely, master Addams…” he mutters dryly.

“Alfred, is that the new freak across the hill?” Damian peeks his head around a doorframe with a frown on his face, glaring at the two guests like he already hates them, Alfred doesn't even have time to scold the boy before dick's already on it. The man popping around the same doorframe to frown at the preteen.

“Damian be nice, that's not how you talk to Bruce's neighbor.” he smiles awkwardly at you while eyeing lurch warily, tugging on his gym shirt half self-consciously before he casually steps around Damian to greet you.

“sorry about him, you know how kids are…”

“What, honest? I am the freak across the hill so I don't see an issue, what's your name young gentleman?”

Damian steps around dick, who was trying to subtly signal him to back off, to stand in front of you with that scowl still firmly in place. He refuses your offered handshake and instead looks you up and down judgingly.

“Damian Wayne, why are you in my house, freak?”

You just grin wider at the boys attitude. “Oh you're delightful, my niece Wednesday would love you….Actually, why am I in here?” you glance at Alfred real quick while the older man let's out a long suffering sigh.

“I was going to go fetch master Bruce so we could discuss your grandmother's disappearance.”

Dick looks over at you with a raised eyebrow in question. “Your Granny's missing?”

“Mhmm, she's somewhere in Gotham allegedly. Though she could've finally keeled over somewhere so I can't say for sure.”

The three Wayne's stare at you in silence before lurch leans down to speak to you. “Mistress frump would've started haunting you by now if she were deceased.”

You hum considerably and stroke your chin as you consider your cousins butler's words. “Hmm, good point lurch. Well since she's probably still alive I plan to go find her before she gets into trouble.”

Dick manages to snap back first and tries to force a casual air when he speaks. “You're worried about her, huh. I'm sure she's be going to be okay.”

You blink confusedly and slowly shake your head at that, what an odd question! “No, not at all. I'd like to watch grandmama get into some kind of perilous situation, it's practically an Addams tradition!”

Damian's scowl deepens as he follows after you, his tone even more venomous than before. “Father was right, you really are a horrible creature.”

“Damian!” Both Alfred and dick say scoldingly, Alfred shaking his head exasperatedly while dick tries to keep a polite smile on his face as he looks at you, it looks painful at this point.

You spin around and slap a hand over your heart dramatically. “He said that about me?….”

“I'm sure it was a joke-” dick tries to comfort you but you quickly cut him off with an odd giggle. “…I didn't realize Mr Wade was so sweet! I've not been called a creature in so long…”

Dick drags a palm down his face while muttering a “I should've expected that…” to himself, turning away from you to stroll down the hallway, Alfred and Damian follow after him so of course so do you and lurch. You're curious if the Wayne manor has any interesting rooms in it or if everything is just clean marble.

Unfortunately everything's clean and not at all disgusting or odd, there's not even a play room from what you've seen! No torture racks or even any poison set out for guests, the place honestly feels a bit unwelcoming.

“so why’d you stab that guy, freak? do you think you can do what you want in this city just because you’re rich?” damian glares back at you as you follow him, the kids eyes full of distrust and caution, he watches you like you’re a fox in the coop, it’s so endearing! “not at all! I would've stabbed the man if I didn't have a penny to my name, in fact a was surprised I was bailed out, I was under the impression I was going to prison or perhaps that lovely little institution in town.”

Dick gives you a confused look. “Institution? You mean Arkham asylum?”

Just as you nod Bruce rounds a doorway and pauses upon seeing the group in front of him, his brows furrowing while you excitedly wave at him. “…. Is something wrong with Arkham?

Alfred and dick both quickly shake their heads. “No, just a little…. Conversation with your neighbor here.”

Dick jabs his thumb over his shoulder in your direction, Bruce tries not to stare at lurch as you again wave enthusiastically at him.

“I see….. Well Addams I was just going to call you, it's about your grandmother…”

“really!?” You immediately perk up and dart closer to Bruce, Damian jumps in front of the man though and points at you aggressively. “watch it! No sudden moves in our home, freak.”

Bruce is quick to correct Damian before anything can escalate, he gently grabs his shoulder while gesturing at you. “Damian, mind your manners. Sorry about him, now your granny is…”

He trails off with pursed lips, his face tense in such a way that you and everyone else start to think the worst, or best depending on who you ask. Bruce sighs and releases Damian to grab his phone to show you something.

“…is this her?” The man already sounds resigned before he even presses play, you watch a news reel of an elderly woman wrestling with a…. Scary monster? It's huge, scaly skinned with long curled dark claws and yellowed worn fangs to match, the crocodilian tail lashes wildly as it tries in vain to wrestle off the elderly woman in the shawl. You replay the short clip a few times just to try and get a better look at everything…

“that's definitely grandmama…. Who is that….. That Handsome crocodile man?”

When you look up you see four separate looks of disappointment directed at you, clearly the Wayne's have no taste.

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A/n: wow this is a long chapter 😐 I didn't even get to Grandmama yet but this was getting out of hand! Anyways I hope y'all are having a lovely day/night and remember to take care of yourselves! 😚🖤💜🖤

Jason:

Dick:

Dick's POV:

This is basically a test while I take a break from stuff, so I'm looking for feedback from y'all on what you think of this 🤔

this is based on my Addams reader! Fic here grave mistakes

It references things from the first few chapters so plz check it out if you haven't already! That said it's not going to be directly tied to the forward plot, this is just for the fun of it because I love SMAUs ☺️

There will be more, I'm limited by the picture limit tho so I'm sorry!

Part 4: gardening errors

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You're not quite sure what circumstances lead to this, but here you are regardless.

It started as any normal morning for you in your new home, your routine caffeine fix and then you spent an hour in the play room wallowing in despair and shrieking in torment as the spirits watched on. Then you made yourself waffles.

As you were out tending to your garden and ripping up the colorful lilies hidden in one of the hedges something strange happened, a noise behind you, and then darkness.

You were disappointed to wake up, though finding yourself tied up and hanging upside down raised your mood a bit. Hyenas growl hungrily underneath your form as drool slowly drips from their chops, a strange green miasma is in the air around you. You slowly realize you're in some kind of greenhouse judging by the clear roof and the plants everywhere.

“I see you're awake.” A feminine voice purrs from somewhere behind you, you can't turn your head enough to see them but you don't have to, they slowly stroll into view and stand under you next to the hyenas. Her hair is long and blood red, her skin green and she seems to be wearing a green body suit covered in vines, this is an interesting turn of events!

“Hello there ma'am! Nice to meet you, Is this a torture thing?” It's a struggle to keep your voice even, not wanting to give away how excited you are when one of the hyenas jumps and tries to snap at you. A good torture session should have some build up after all.

The woman chuckles, taking the tremble in your voice as horror as she smirks. “right to the point are we? No my sweet, it's not torture….. Yet. Not if I get My way here.” with a slight flick of her wrist some of the plants around her shift and twist, vines crawling up from the ground to gently wrap around your throat, A threat. You can't suppress the shiver going down or up? your spine. The woman chuckles again.

“Not yet? What's the wait my friend, are we expecting more company first?” It's a bit hard to keep your eyes on her when she starts stalking around the room, you frown when the vines release you and sink back down into the ground.

“Oh I almost forgot myself, please forgive my lack of manners miss, my name is-” “I know who you are, I know everything I need to know about you. How you come here and start throwing money around, paying that filthy company to keep producing their chemicals regardless of how many plants choke and die on their disgusting fumes. How you bought that land no doubt to drain the swamp on it, how you-are you giggling?”

She cuts off her monologue to stomp towards you, standing just under your head as she scowls up at you, rage burning in her pretty green eyes.

“Are you serious right now?” She hisses, hands clenching into fists while the plants around you twist and curl towards you, some starting to wrap around you once again.

“Oh no, please continue! I love a good monologue my dear friend. It's just that hanging like this has a fun little dizzying effect, blood drowning the brain and all.” You say with a smile as you look down at her, the vines starting to cut off your air supply.

She frowns at you and crosses her arms, blood colored lip curling into a sneer. “Why you-” “red! Finish the demands before ya start popping heads! You're putting us at stake here!” An exasperated voice yells, another woman joining the first.

This one's in red and black, short split dyed hair and skin so pale as if it's been bleached, she could almost rival Morticia’s sickly tone.

The woman apparently named Red rolls her eyes a bit, but wraps an arm around the others waist, they both look up at you as the vines again release you and drop into the dirt.

“Right…. Here's the deal Richie, we want money. Lots of it in fact, your people are gonna get it to us if they want you alive and well. You understand?” They both look up at you expectantly, the hyenas circle around Underneath you.

“I understand perfectly, how much do you want to torture me?”

They give each other confused like while you smile down at them, sweat starting to gather on your forehead from hanging upside down by your feet for so long.

After a few seconds the red head speaks again, tone aggravated. “What?”

“How much money do you want? I'd like this to continue and I understand your time is very valuable.”

“…. Did you not hear me?” The red head huffs, the other woman leans over to whisper loudly in the others ear. “Maybe I hit em in the head too hard?”

“i heard you just fine! you need money yes? i can pay you myself after the torture, or do you intend to kill me? you can get ahold of my dear relative morticia should i pass. wait have you seen my phone? i want to tell her or gomez the good news!” the split dyed hair one stares up at you with a look of concern, she pulls a familiar phone out of her pocket and looks down at it before glancing back up at you. “….i don’t think this is goin to plan, red.”

the redhead snatches the phone from the other, rolling her eyes while turning it on. “you’re not psyching us out, masochist. what’s the passcode for this? if you don’t tell me i’ll watch as my little babies grow from your eyesockets.”

“it’s 666.” “oh, of fucking course-alright i’m calling your emergency contact, i’m getting our damn money.” she huffs, pacing in circles as she dials and holds the phone up to her ear.

“come on…come on…finally, ahem, are you mx addamses emergency contact?…..this is their kidnapper. i’m calling to tell you that they’re going to be brutally tortured within the hour if you don’t gather a small sum of one million dollars and send proof of bank statements to this phone or else-huh?……”

after a moment she lowers the phone and stares at the other woman.

“….a little girl just told me ‘good for them’ and hung up on me.”

“a little girl is your emergency contact?” the split dyed hair one looks up at you questioningly as she starts to pet one of the hyenas.

you nod your head with a smile on your face. “Wednesday is actually my second emergency contact, grandmama is the first but she doesn’t have a phone.” the redhead tilts her head in confusion, dropping your phone carelessly on the moss covered ground. “then how do you contact them?” she mutters skeptically, crossing her arms over her chest. “depends where she is, usually via smoke signal or seance depending on her living status.”

“….so your emergency people is your living or dead grandmother and a little girl that doesn’t care if you’re being tortured?”

“there’s also cousin it, but essentially yes.”

the redhead sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose, muttering something unintelligible under her breath as she turns away from you and goes to sit on a vine covered bench.

the split dye one looks back and forth between you and the other woman, after a moment she shoos the hyenas away. “…..so, how’s about we talk about torture thing, eh? you seem ta be into that sorta thing, i won’t yuck ya yum if you’re actually gonna pay coinage for it.”

the redhead whips around to glare at the other one. “we are not doing bdsm for money! we’re not that desperate harl.” the plants around her slowly curl towards her, leaves and flowers brushing against her as if in comfort.

“well we might as well get sumthin outta this! we need the doe and pronto.”

you watch them bicker back and forth for a few moments in polite silence, your head aching more and more as the blood rushes to your head. after a bit you speak up loud enough for them to hear you over their arguement.

“excuse me my friends, can i ask what prompted this kidnapping and attempted ransom? it sounds like you’re both out of sorts here.”

the one apparently named harl quickly speaks up. “we got booted out of our apartment.” the other woman stands up angrily. “harley!”

harley glances over her shoulder, her lips pressing together in a pout. “what?”

the redhead pinches the bridge of her nose, clearly agitated as she approaches the harley lady. “you can’t tell them anything you idiot! they’re our victim not our therapist.”

“well they asked!”

you speak up again, one of the wriggling vines bumping into you and causing you to spin in a circle like some kind of torturous carnival ride. “kidnapping victim or not, i can have sympathy for someone going through a bad time. how’d you get removed from your home?” your voice sounds odd as you Spin back and forth, you're starting to get really dizzy.

Harley whips towards you, hair smacking her in the face as she righteously gestures. “they were homophobic!”

The redhead rolls her eyes and walks over to push on Harley’s face as she corrects her. “that’s not what happened, apparently the landlord found someone’s record.” she gives Harley a pointed look.

Harley pushes the hand off her face and points at your still spinning form as if to convince you of her side of things. Giving you an overly emotional look as she fends off the redheads attempts to shut her up. “well it sure seemed like he was homophobic when we's both broke into his place, you shoulda heard im when he realized who was under the ski masks!”

Your brows furrow as sweat drips off your forehead, your vision getting blurry as you finally stop spinning and you try to look at the two women below you.

“that’s very sad, a little devious activity shouldn’t lead to you losing your place, i can relate to that quite intimately actually.”

“really?” you hear both ask with differing tones, one sounding unenthusiastic in comparison to the other. You nod as best you can. “yes, that’s the whole reason i moved to this beautiful city!….we’re still in the city right?”

“maybe…..”Harley looks away from you and whistles innocently as she casually reaches over to pet a carnivorous plant.

That's good enough for you, you wriggle a hand free to pull a handkerchief out of your pocket so you can wipe your forehead clean, when you're done you tuck your hand back under your binds. “are you still looking for a place to stay?”

the redhead tilts her head in confusion while Harley replies. “why’d you think we want your money?” she looks away from the plant and walks under you, swatting at your jacket when it smacks her in the face.

“harley can you not?” the other woman is clearly exasperated as she all but hisses her words out, stomping over to try to drag Harley away from you. “May I remind you that we're threatening to kill them?”

You're unperturbed as you press on, watching them whisper loudly to each other right under your upside down figure. “do you want a place?”

Harley immediately perks up, a big grin on her face as she whips around to loom up at you. “are you offering?-” the redhead groans loudly and grabs the other woman by the upper arm and pulls her away while trying to cover her mouth. “absolutely not! we’re not going near the bdsm weirdos house after we kidnapped them, it’s never happening harl. i’m putting my foot down.”

“…”

Harley starts to tear up in silence, staring at the other woman with big glassy eyes as she works up some tears.

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“i hate the manipulative tears.” the redhead, whom you’ve learned is named pamela, growls at harley as she roughly drops down on your couch with crossed arms.

“free room and board, red. keyword free, my lovely little murderous plant.” harley flops over beside her, wincing when a spring digs into her back, she still makes herself comfortable on pamela’s lap though.

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A/n: I apologize if the flow is off in this one, I wrote it while feverish y'all bear with me 🤷‍♀️

Part 2: late night runs

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You've been so busy that you haven't gone shopping for groceries since the move, of course two am is the perfect time to go out and maybe get to know your new home more intimately while you're at it. So you dress in your darkest and head out the door to start up your hearse.

Gothams quite gloomy and unwelcoming looking, looming architecture standing over everyone like unpleasant giants watching the ants crawl, gargoyle statues and symbols of darkness decorate every corner, You love it. People avoid you like the bubonic plague as you stroll through the night market, tote bag on your arm.

“Excuse me, my dear fellow, what's the price on these?” You gesture at the wilted vegetables in baskets under a faded gray canopy booth, the middle aged man looks up from his iPod and gives you a scrutinizing look before Glancing down at the assorted goods, before hauling himself out of his lawn chair with a huff to point at each basket as he speaks.

“thirty percent off everything after ten o'clock, root veggies are two fifty per pound, lettuce and cabbage are two fifty per head, garlic, onion and chives are four dollars per bag, broccoli and peppers are three for three. And before you ask, no I didn't water these out of the harbor and no I didn't steal them. All sales are final so don't try to bring me no rotten shit in a week asking for refunds.”

He straightens up and rests his hand on his hip as he looks you up and down critically, his free hand coming up to scratch at his salt and pepper scruff.

You nod appreciably as you point at the goods you want. “Wonderful, can I have a head of cabbage, five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of carrots, and a bag of onions and one of garlic?”

The man grunts and nods before he starts bagging the goods in paper bags, which he then cushions by stuffing newspaper into the bags to prevent bruising.

“It's gonna run ya twenty five and fifty cents, money first before you get the shit. No running off with my hard work.” The man's voice is gruff as he puts his hands over the bags, paranoid you'll grab and run.

You nod with a smile as you fish your wallet out of your pocket and pull a hundred out, setting it on his hand and then you start to look through the bags.

The man looks at the bill with a raised eyebrow before grabbing a flashlight to shine at the bill to check if it's legit, he hums lowly before looking back up at you. “You need me to break this or something?” He sighs as he starts to open up a metal tin under his booth as he checks if he has enough to break change.

You blink in surprise at the question, you glance down at his hunched over figure with a confused tilt to your head. “No, no my dear friend keep the bill I am perfectly able to break things myself.” You grab your paper bags and set them in your tote before happily strolling back out into the crowds of the night market, not noticing the man gaping after you.

You stop at a few more stands as you go, grabbing a few more essentials and non essentials before you decide your totes getting heavy so you start towards your hearse. Someone bumps shoulders with you as you're walking and then whirls around with an angry look.

“Watch it, spooky.” The person, a young man with dyed blonde hair and a neck tattoo spits between your shoes after all but barking like a dog at you.

“Apologies my friend, I did not watch your path for you when you walked into me.” You smile at him, the man's frown deepens and he takes a step back.

“Punk ass, watch your mouth before someone else watches it for you.” he looks you up and down like he's looking for something, then he scoffs and turns to stalk off, cussing at you under his breath the whole time.

you turn and happily continue on your way after that, making it approximately twelve steps before you’re grabbed by the upper arm and yanked into an alleyway.

two youngish guys brandish knives at you after they shove you into a brick wall, knocking your tote off your arm and dropping it. “run your pockets or we’ll stick you!” the closer one snarls, the other one quickly nudges him roughly with his elbow. “dude, shh! not so loud moron!”

the closer one rolls his eyes before holding his pocket knife up higher. “whatever, you get the idea emo. cough up the green before you end up in a hospital.”

you look between the two men with a smile growing on your face, this city is so exiting! “a hospital? couldn’t you aim for higher aspirations my friends?” the closer man’s lip curls, his grip on his blade tightening. “don’t start with that ‘you could do more with your life’ shit now, you’re not getting out of this with some pinterest quotes.”

“oh you misunderstand, i’m asking you to try for a morgue instead of a hospital. i’ll give you money of course, but i’d like to see some real effort here boys!” at your words the two of them exchange glances, shifting uncomfortably on the balls of their feet.

after a moment of silence the further away one of the two speaks up, “is this a game to you? some weird tactic to make us leave you alone? just give us something so we can all go home for gods sake.”

you pull your wallet out and start pulling money out. “ will you accept gold coins?” they share another look, the closer one leans over and roughly snatches the coins out of your palm. ‘who the fuck carries-you know what nevermind, lets go matt.” they both turn to dart further down the alleyway, but your confused voice stops them. “wait! you didn’t even give me a superficial wound! no jagged cuts that bleed and fester, not even a thrashing?” dissapointment colors your tone as you give them confused looks.

‘….are you like, alright?” before you can respond to the inquiry a dark figure suddenly lands in front of you, getting between you and the two robbers.

‘oh shi-!” the startled shriek is cut off by a swift kick to the sternum, the lithe figure ducks out of the way of the panicked knife swing the one named matt throws at them. the caped figure grabs his wrist and twists his arm until he drops the blade, they then smack him in the back of the neck, somehow knocking him out.

you clap exitedly from where you stand, cheering like this is a play. “good show! that was simply wonderful! me next!” you step closer, exited at the prospect of an attack. to your disappointment they silently grab the coins out of the hand of your would-be mugger and wordlessly hand them to you, no physical harm for you tonight it seems.

the figure is wearing black on black, a stitched up mask completely covers their face while some kind of ears decorates the top, their white lenses stare at you like the eyes of a doll, the yellow bat on their chest being the only splash of color on them. with a sigh you take back your money and start gathering your fallen bags, the quiet figure squats down to help you gather your things while they keep staring at you.

‘….hurt?” eventually they speak, their head tilting up and down as they carefully study your dejected figure.

“unfortunately no, i remain *miserably* unharmed.” the figure tilts their head at that, pausing with a potato in hand. “….you want to hurt?”

“of course, i think there’s no greater thrill in life besides death!” you stand up with the broken tote in hand, trying to balance the groceries in it despite the large split running down the side. the petite figure glances back at the two men on the ground before glancing back at you, again studying your form in silence.

“….okay.” they just nod slightly at that, unsure how to take your answer.

“right, well if i’m to remain physically well then i suppose i’ll head home, thank you for the good show my friend. i like the whole running about in black and brutally attacking people thing, very deranged.” you smile at them and turn to leave, they silently approach you and grab your wrist, when you turn to look at them they tuck a card in your hand before turning away and jumping up to grab a fire escape and climb out of the alleyway.

the card has a little bat on the back, cute. the other side is a help hotline.

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Prologue: what a miserable time!

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It's cloudy today as you shuffle into the house with the heavy boxes in your arms, the place is decrepit and leaks in the roof have water stains coloring the floors and ceilings around you a mottled gray color, it's absolutely dreamy. it's been a busy day moving things out of the Uhaul and arranging them in your new house. The movers had left quickly after seeing the old bloodstains still staining the dining room floor, so it was up to you to move the old carpets to expose it so you could properly arrange around the dark mark in the wood to make sure it's the centerpiece. Who likes white carpet anyways.

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As you move onto the kitchen to unpack your cauldron and recipe books you notice the lights are flickering at random, you hope it's a ghost or even better, a demon. If only your pendulums and charred bones weren't still in the truck wrapped in bubble wrap, perhaps a little bloodletting will excite the potential spooks in your new home.

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Putting up cobwebs, tearing down the colorful new curtains so you can put up your tattered rags, rearranging the living room for your Ouija board and coffin collection, it's been a long, horrible day.

You collapse onto your bed wth a satisfied sigh, tomorrow you'll start putting up your grimoires and bones in the library and if you have time you'll rip out the colorful flowers in the front yard to make room for your weeds.

There's a strange cheerful sounding ding going off in your home, you quickly roll out of bed to instigate and hopefully find turn it off permanently. You find yourself in your front room walking towards the front door, huh, you didn't know doorbells could sound like anything but a bloodcurdling scream. Guess even a horrible place like Gotham isn't perfect.

“Hello?” You open the door that has a slight creak, you'll need to water those hinges later and make sure they're properly rusty.

*“Ahem,* yes good day, good day. You are…. The new neighbor yes?” An older man stands in front of you in a dark suit and bowtie, looking slightly put off by the sight of you. He holds something in the crook of his arm. You smile warmly at him and open the door wider

“Yes I think that'd be me, nice to meet you my good sir!” you hold a hand out for a handshake which he hesitates for, before shaking your hand. “…the pleasures all mine, mx…?” he pulls his hand back quickly, something about you is…unsettling.

“(Name) Addams, of the Addams family.” lightning crackles overhead, a crow screeches in the distance after your introduction.

“…. Alfred pennyworth, I live next door.” He seems unimpressed with you as he gestures over his shoulder at the manor across the hill.

“Well it's very nice to meet you, my friend. Please come in, come in and I'll make you something awful, do you like or hate tea?”

“…I enjoy tea.”

“Bummer, that's all I've got to offer while I'm unpacking. Step in before the sun comes out or something!”

You all but yank the old man into the house, not really giving him a choice as you excitedly walk towards your kitchen.

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