Shit Adam 'Firstman' Dickmaster said (in my dreams)
"Being a bible figure is like being a celebrity but instead of the benefits of fame like fortune and a house that you're not afraid of getting kicked out of, you get God beating you with a flaming stick."
"Frat BOY?! I am a frat MAN fuck you very much!"
"I don't need to eat human flesh to know it's overhyped as hell (lol) because I can look down and see an entire town of cannibals that are all skinny bitches."
"That was possession! Any gho- ...On second thought the less you sinful bastards know about possession, the better."
"You see when the bible said the land of milk and honey was your promised paradise, it meant this barbecue place with milkshakes that uses honey in its sauces."
"I don't socially drink enough to get the 'Pina Colada' joke, is it gay because it kinda sounds like 'penis' or what?"
"Imagine being second fiddle to god, hating humanity for your own fuck up, and then appropriating human fashion, architecture, languages, and even trying to recreate hollow echoes of human societies down to the fact your entire kingdom is based on the circus. World's most pathetic tsundere, don't even get me started on the rubber ducks."
"I don't know what people are on about when they say I hate snakes. I love snakes, they've got the biggest ribmeat-to-body ratio of all the animals and I feel powerful when I eat them. Fuck apples though, those shits can go to hell."
"I'm not mad that Lilith left me, I'm mad because she insinuates that she left me for Lucifer whose most flattering angles still make him look like a sickly baby bird dying of starvation and who has the personality of a Nice Guy™ with one additional interest. If she had left me for like, Optimus Prime I'd completely understand. I'd also leave her ass for Optimus Prime."
"Nah man, the Exorcists aren't recruited based on what gives me a boner. If they were, they would be 15 feet tall, buff enough to throw an ox across a football field like it's nothing, wear furs and leather cut from the skins of demons, carry angelic-steel-studded clubs to painfully bludgeon enemies to death instead of this pussy fast-death shit, and would have huge tiddies. ...What? It's just what the hot women of my era were like!"
"Being a straight ally means I've dated and fucked men to compensate for the massive bear shortage in heaven. Sure, some guys can be squeamish, but for me? Where there's a hole, there's a goal. I even almost got married to a dude once- Wait, hang on. ...I have been informed that allies do not do this or feel that way. I'm keeping the flag anyway."
