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Bipolar disorder is an evil, evil disorder. Not in the way that we are evil for having it, but the very nature of it. It is cruel to have stability for many weeks, months, even years then to suddenly have an episode and be back to square one. And then it can take soso long to recover from the episode. It is traumatising, it is difficult, it is ugly. It is something I wouldnât wish on anyone.
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Delusions are/were always a bigger problem for me than hallucinations. Because my hallucinations were never that scary. Ok sometimes they have been, but delusions are a whole other ball game. I canât even tell you how many times iâve broken down crying because I believe something that is so scary and I donât know how to cope with it but no one around me understands. Itâs incredibly frustrating and hard to live with.
Mixed episodes are weird
Iâm currently in a mixed episode so I thought Iâd talk about it.
Some other names for mixed episodes are mixed states, or dysphoric mania.
You wouldnât think itâd be possible to experience mania and depression at the same time but many of us diagnosed bipolar have.
Itâs a strange state to be in. Feeling energised, wired, on edge, yet also feeling depressed and suicidal and a bundle of nerves. And irritable as fuck. Itâs a hard state to be in and feels, well, horrible. You donât feel comfortable in your own skin and want to crawl out of it.
Iâm trying to manage it by taking my PRN and relaxing as much as I can, but itâs hard. I feel horrible and suicidal because dealing with this mood is incredibly difficult because I donât feel at peace, I feel anxious and down. I have a psychiatrist appointment next week so weâll see if iâm still in the episode then.
Questioning your mood state when youâre bipolar
If youâre bipolar, you know the feeling. You may cry over something, and think youâre in a depressive episode. You may feel joy, and think youâre slipping into mania. You may have a paranoid or anxious thought, and think youâre slipping into psychosis.
When you have bipolar disorder, every emotion is brought into question and has to be monitored to see if youâre slipping into an episode. It can be difficult for us to tell if weâre in an episode, or simply experiencing an emotion.
Because we are so worried about getting âillâ again, every single thing we experience is something we can worry and obsess over. You may even have family and friends that do this to you. âHave you taken your meds today?â âYou seem a bit excited, are you manic?â And the like.
Even when weâre bipolar, we can experience joy. We can experience sadness. We can be anxious. It doesnât always mean weâre in an episode, it just means we are human beings too who also experience every day emotions.
Iâm manic, apparently. To me I just feel super good and happy. Maybe I am manic. Not sure. I feel buzzy and like I wanna talk a lot but what if iâm just happy? Havenât been happy in a while.
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Itâs super frustrating when people with borderline personality disorder say itâs âprovenâ itâs the hardest mental health disorder to live with just because one person said it.
And I get it, borderline is hard to live with and treat (if you wish to treat it). There is no medication approved for bpd. DBT therapy is the only thing meant to put it in remission.
But bipolar disorder isnât easier. Medication doesnât do what you think for us. For most of us, it doesnât guarantee stability or remission, and we often have to tweak our medication every once in a while because our body over time builds up a resistance to it. Itâs a life-long disorder just like bpd
I was very depressed and it lasted just over a week. I honestly thought I was gonna end up offing myself. But I woke up this morning and feel?? Fine?? How can I just wake up and itâs over. I donât understand my brain.
Bipolar disorder really fucks with your identity. How are u supposed to know who you are when you can suddenly wake up feeling like a whole different person? Of course iâm still the same person but it sure as hell doesnât feel like it.
Waking up depressed is feeling like a muted, shell of yourself. Waking up manic is feeling like youâre a god.
I just need to remember my actual personality. I am an introvert in nature, I only speak when I have something I deem important to say, I am a good listener. Iâm funny and kind if I do say so myself đ¤. When you have been ill for so long you can almost forget what ur baseline / actual personality is but I know how I am when iâm stable and before I was ill.
