#actually compulsive

"lying is generally a shitty thing to do"

Privileged (moral) OCD culture is having a bad day and thinking "Well, not a /bad/ day. Many people have much worse lives. There are many, many people who have inevitably had a worse day than me. If someone who is not as privileged as I am had a day with the same series of events that I had today, they'd come out of the day feeling worse, on average. I mean, I'm sitting here eating instant noodles and watching Youtube. Many people don't have that luxury. The instant noodles and monitor and laptop and Youtube and basically everything in my daily life is a direct result of the US being a part of the imperial core. Hell, it's the CORE of the imperial core and because I live/was born here I'm benefiting from it. All my daily comforts and convenience is a direct result of the exploitation of others, especially those in the 'global south.' And by living here and enjoying the results of this exploitation I'm complicit, right? And that makes me a bad person? But also the concept of 'bad' and 'good' people is a very institutional Christian belief. And assigning yourself the 'bad' label means you're trying to martyr yourself by absolving yourself of guilt so you don't have to take accountability. Which means I am a bad person. But also not because thinking I'm a bad person is bad and morally reprehensible. I'm a horrible person, but I really don't want to be a horrible person, but a lot of the reasons I am classified as a horrible person are things outside of my control, so what am I supposed to do? That last thought was proof I am a horrible person because I'm making it about myself when I'm not even the victim. I'm so caught up in 'good' and 'bad' right now when many people, especially those being exploited by the systems that bring me all of my daily comforts, don't have the luxury of worrying about this. So having moral OCD makes me a bad person. I mean, that thought seems very illogical and fueled /by/ moral OCD. I'm getting a good grade in therapy because I noticed that. So what do I do? Because having moral OCD doesn't make me a bad person, or anyone for that matter. Having that thought was ableist and I'm not a good ally to myself and other disabled people. That also seems like a thought fueled by moral OCD. I mean, I guess I could ask people if I'm a bad person for benefiting from oppressive systems? But that's reassurance seeking and marginalized/exploited people have no obligation to comfort privileged people and asking for reassurance is a shit thing to do. But also reassurance seeking is a symptom of OCD. Which means I'm being ableist again by thinking that reassurance seeking is a shit thing to d- I'M DOING IT AGAIN! You know what! Screw this! I'm opening Tumblr, who cares, stop thinking about this! Get your mind off things!" *opens Tumblr* "Americans are so fucking annoying and privileged." (Which, is a fair thing to say! Not saying it isn't! That's an understandable, morally just, and valid statement that this person is free to make because they have repeatedly suffered because of the US and both directly and indirectly its citizens). (Hell, /I'm/ the shitty one for feeling upset over this because I'm the one benefiting from their pain on a systemic level) (<- true, maybe? I think. Part of it? Thought fueled by moral OCD. Which parts are 'correct?') (Wait) (FUCK I'm over explaining my thoughts!) (Fuck!) In all, I'm tired boss

“I don’t know why I lie. It’s not like I do it on purpose.”

Refusing to say thoughts aloud or write them down out of fear of it coming to fruition

does anyone else have these compulsions where like whenever i’m on my phone i have to check who’s fronting for all my simplyplural friends (even if i don’t/barely know them)??? please this can’t be just me