hi beloved mutual i've never talked to!
you obviously don't have to answer but i thought i'd ask regardless. I'm not asking this out of gatekeeping or any of that "you can't use this terminology blah blah blah" crap, i'm asking this cuz i'm also aroace but don't actually know much about aroace identity and i'm trying to learn more
how can you be both bi and aroace? is it something about being on either spectrum but not being completely sex/romance repulsed, or is it something else?
thanks anyway, hope you have a great day :D
Hello there, citrus! Thank you for the ask.
While I will share my understanding of myself and why i bi-aroace as the term to refer to myself, I do have two disclaimers. First, this is a reflection of only how I use this terminology to reflect my identity, so of course other aroace people may interpret the same term differently. Secondly, this ended up being quite a long answer, so I apologize in advance, however I do find it important to share everything-- partly because I feel like leaving things out doesn't explain it as well. Also, I will share some basic things we both already know for the sake of others to follow this conversation.
I'm aroace, or aromantic-asexual. For me personally, that means I feel no romantic or sexual attraction at all. Of course its a spectrum, but this is just about me.
What many of my current mutuals may not know is that I actually identified as bisexual once upon a time! When I was in high school it was actually a friend who told me I was bisexual (she thought I knew this, but I did not), and I decided it fit me well enough to identify that way. I actually came out as bisexual when I was 17 a few years later, and for the most part, people still think I am. I do of course, consider myself aroace now, but with that identity I chose the indirect method; I don't feel the need to explicitly share it to everyone I know except my close family. While I'm no longer bisexual, I still love, participate in, and feel connection to the bi community. It's the first way I identify as bi still. This past identity has translated into my current bi identity as tertiary attraction.
Tertiary attraction is what the aspec community often uses to refer to other types of attraction outside of romantic or sexual. For me, these attractions include platonic attraction (friendship), sensual attraction (touch, such as cuddling, hugging, kissing), aesthetic attraction (looks), and alterous attraction (something other than platonic or romantic).
While I am aroace, I still consider myself a romantic, in a sense. I enjoy fantasizing about romance, something in relation to myself, but more largely in relation to fictional characters, ie. shipping in fandom. In this way, I also identify with the microlabel aegoromantic/sexual, which is essentially enjoying the fantasy of romance and sexuality, without enjoying the reality of it. I do also fantasize with respect to real people occasionally, such as popular celebrities I find aesthetically pleasing and have pleasant personalities. As in, I might say I think they're hot or sexy and say I'd enjoy doing things with them, but I wouldn't actually enjoy that in real life. They are unattainable, so everything I say about them is just fantasy. This is the second way that consider myself bi ( I suppose one might technically put this under sexual/romantic orientation, but I think the romantic/sexual aspect of is very much linked to the aesthetic and sensual aspect of it, so I suppose its a bit of both).
My friendships also actually influence my bi identity quite a bit. My friendships are all very queer, and my tertiary attractions influence that. I have very strong friendships that the average person might raise an eyebrow at, and may consider them to be more romantic than how my friends and I define them in reality. I also enjoy cuddling, hugging, and am not explicitly opposed to kissing (I don't actually kiss in my present friendships, but I digress). And of course, I love all my friends and think they are beautiful inside and out! This is the third way I identify with being bi.
The TL;DR is that I still consider myself bi because my past identification, and my current tertiary attraction that has several influences from my experiences!
I hope this helps you! Feel free to ask and message whenever you like :D
