As each day passes, I grow stronger and stronger. Every day that I empty my mind and stop ruminating on the past, offers me more energy. In therapy, as well as in acting class, I have been able to chip through a lot of issues. It still comes in layers, as life always does. Lately, Bobby (my teacher) has me focusing on finding the strength in my vulnerability. "Whenever you are presented with an emotionally charged situation, where the stakes are high, and you are under duress... Have you noticed what you do?" "I... Fall apart." "You collapse. Physically and emotionally. Your walls go up, you get angry/violent, and you try to leave." He doesn't know anything about my personal life, other than the fact that I struggle with physical/romantic intimacy on stage due to history of abuse. I did not, however, go into any more detail beyond that. He has surmised, or deduced aspects of my experience based on observation. My physicality, social interactions, emotional impulses on stage, vulnerability, rage, how I carry my body, Etc. Today he structured a stretch scene (improv scene structured to test/push actors to stretch emotionally), where I was in love with Nathan, we have been together for 10 months, I am happy and in love, so happy to be with him. I am ready to move in and take the relationship to the next level. My character was shy, sensitive, who really values relationships. He whispered pieces of information to each of us, and then called action to the scene. I introduced Stuti to Nathan as the new hire in the company, casting a glowing look to Nathan from across the room. I had no clue what he told the other actors to do, turns out, Stuti had been seeing him for six months to my ten months. The realization dawned on me that he had lied to me. I thought we were going to build a life together, I thought we were happy. To die in the face of reality... All my trauma surrounding my ex came RIGHT to the surface. My instinct was to get psychotically angry. I got in her face, we were screaming at each other, I called her a bitch. Nathan tried to step in, out of nowhere, this venomous hatred rose up inside me like a cobra ready to strike. In a low deadly voice I said: "DO NOT TOUCH ME." I kept moving away. I kept trying to leave. It got to the point, where she was taunting me so badly. "Why would he want to be with you? He has me." She mocked my words, my rage, my tears. All I could see in her, was every woman in my life who took a man away from me. It felt like that moment in kill bill where she gets one of her red flashbacks. I physically hit Stuti. I shoved her so hard that I actually physically hurt her. I was so lost in the emotional integrity of the scene that I forgot we were acting. Bobby yelled over us: "not in this class. No physical violence. This is a safe place." Even so, neither of us broke character. Nathan was pleading with me to stay. I began to cry and said: "you lied to me." He admitted to it and said he loved me. All I could see was my exes face, it felt like someone just pulled a knife out of my heart as I said: "you don't lie to people that you love." I sat down on a chair in the corner. Watched Stuti throw her arms around him, their silhouette standing over me...That old familiar feeling of total defeat came over me slowly... Like a 5 o clock shadow. He came over to me begging me to try a polyamorous relationship. I told him no. That is not an option. It's not what I want. I began to cry again and said: "I thought you were the one. I just want someone to want me. Just me. And not one or two or six other girls. Either be only with me, or not at all." "Tell him you need him to be with you, say please." "I need you to be with just me." A single tear rolled out of my eye as I looked pleadingly into his. "...please." He backed away and said if he couldn't have both of us, that he wouldn't be with either of us. Which was an interesting choice for his character. Soon as the scene ended, I ran over to Stuti and collapsed at her feet in shame for hurting her. I was reminded of all the times I hit ex boyfriends, I yanked a girlfriends hair violently, I smashed another firms head repeatedly into a table. All these situations were under circumstances of emotional duress. Where I was being ignored or marginalized. Left, betrayed. This is a very old wound. I'm trying to sift through the origins. It certainly comes from my father. A lot of issues with him have been coming up lately. I was so ashamed of laying hands on Stuti. I cried and cried. Told her how sorry I was. That I lost control. Feeling very badly about it still. She understood, and forgave me, but it just happened. When I am pushed to my limit like that--I get violent. Only this time, there was no alcohol involved. So I know I can't blame it all on booze. This is a deep wound. It's strange too... Having been abused physically as well as sexually, you would think that would make me more timid and compliant--and in most ways it has... Yet I. Situations like these, my rage is uncontrollable, a rage so spectacular that it happens on impulse without premeditated thought. Heavy evening. Struggling hard with myself, yet proud of all the break through.