My bf wants me to cheat on him (M23, F20)
My bf (23M) and I (20F) met in college. We are each other’s first everything. We’ve been together for 10 months.
When we were both in college, we spent almost every day together. Back then, he was very against the idea of me cheating and would get worried about it. Now it’s been around a month since he has graduated, while I’m still in college, so we don’t see each other nearly as much anymore. We still text all the time, though.
Recently, he told me that if I wanted to cheat, he would stay. When I asked why he would say that, he said because he loves me a lot and since we aren’t together every day anymore, he wants me to feel good and not feel alone. He also says he doesn’t feel like he’s enough for me sexually. He thinks his penis is too small and worries that I don’t enjoy sex with him enough.
I’ve reassured him multiple times that I am happy with him, that I don’t care about penis size, and that sex isn’t the most important thing to me. I told him I don’t want to be with anyone else and that I have no interest in cheating. To me, just because we don’t see each other as often doesn’t mean I need another guy.
What confuses me is that he used to care about me cheating, but now he’s giving me permission to do it.
When I asked him if he would be sad if I cheated. He said he would be sad if I cheated without his permission, but if he gave me permission beforehand, then he wouldn’t be sad about it.
I also asked him if the idea of another man being with me would turn him on. At first he said “a little bit,” but later he changed his answer and said no.
I even asked him if the reason he’s saying all of this is because he has cheated on me or wants to cheat on me. He swears to God that he has never cheated on me, says he would never do that to me, and told me that even if I cheated on him, he still wouldn’t cheat on me. According to him, he’s only saying this because he wants me to be happy and because he feels like he’s not enough for me sexually.
Now I’m confused. Is this just insecurity and low self-esteem because he doesn’t feel like he’s enough for me? Or is it a sign that he doesn’t love me as much as I thought he did?
Okay, so I'm gonna be a little pedantic here about the wording because I believe it actually is important.
He does not want you to cheat.
One - if there's permission to see other people, that isn't cheating. That's some form of non-monogamy.
Two - nothing about what you've reported sounds anything like he wants you to cheat. He sounds like an extremely insecure, anxious, mentally unhealthy young person who is tired of hurting both you and him with his exhausting amounts of anxiety. In a misguided attempt to deal with his fears, he's leaning into them the wrong way. He's trying to convince himself that even if you cheated, it'd be fine. His unfounded anxiety tells him you're GOING to cheat. To cope, he's deciding he doesn't want to lose you, and therefore if he gives you "permission to cheat" it won't hurt as much when it happens.
It's an incredibly unfair and hurtful position for him to take for him, for you, and for the relationship. It's casting you in a negative light and setting him and the relationship up for failure. This kind of anxiety always kills a relationship because it's just mean. There's only so long love and patience can last through untrusting, mean, and exhausting.
The dangerous thing about this kind of anxiety is that it gets worse the more you reassure them.
I think it's really past time you laid down the law and stopped being so kind about this. "I'm getting really tired of being treated like someone untrustworthy who would choose to hurt and betray anybody like you're suggesting. I have done nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. I don't care if you think it's about you: it's being taken out on me, and I deserve better. You also deserve to be happier than this state of mind can allow you to be, but you need to want that for yourself. This relationship isn't going to work if you don't get in therapy and work on addressing your anxiety and insecurity. Are you willing to do that?" And stop sitting by allowing him to insult you by constantly accusing you of being a cheater. That's not okay, regardless of why he's doing it.
