#academe

And oh, how I wish hoping could still be easy.

Examples of fail that have crossed my radar recently:

Google AI engineer uses generative AI to "help" write a paper. Result: fail.

Right-wing conspiracy theorist Mike "My Pillow" Lindell's lawyers use generative AI to write a legal brief. Result: fail. (As a proud Wisconsinite, I'd love to see DeMaster disbarred over this.)

Hey everyone! Just a heads up: this is gonna be a long post. Buckle up! 🚀

The past six months? A total rollercoaster 🎢. Seriously, if you’ve ever felt like life is just throwing everything at you all at once, you’re not alone. From grad school to work, it’s been a wild ride, and honestly, I’m still trying to process it all. The exhaustion is real, and it’s taken a toll on my physical and mental health. So, let's dive in, shall we?

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Grad School: The Never-Ending Cycle 📚

Let’s start with grad school. Can we talk about the sheer madness of it all? I remember spending countless hours researching, skimming through papers, and trying to craft the perfect arguments. It felt like my blood was running on caffeine alone (or maybe it was?)! ☕

Researching Like Crazy: Finding relevant literature was a daunting task. I’d spend hours combing through papers, desperately searching for that one source that would back up my points. It was exhausting!

Plagiarism Panic: And don’t even get me started on plagiarism checks. Simple sentences would get flagged, and I’d be left wondering, “Why can’t you trust me that this is my own sentence, not AI, not someone else!?” Seriously, it felt like a nightmare. 😂

Help Wanted: Finding affordable statisticians and grammarians was another struggle. I scoured the internet, asked for referrals, and had to negotiate prices. I just wanted to get quality help without getting scammed!

Defense Planning Woes: Planning for my thesis defense was a logistical nightmare. I had to order food, find tokens of appreciation for the panel, and shell out my own money first. Plus, I was preparing for those grueling questions from the panels.

When the defense day finally arrived, it was a blur. I felt like I was being grilled by experts in front of me. There were moments I wanted to give up, but my adviser’s confident gaze kept me going. I passed with the highest grade! 🎉 Honestly, I didn’t even care about the score; just surviving that ordeal felt like a victory.

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Work: The Corporate Grind 💼😩

Now, let’s talk about work. It’s been overwhelming, and despite asking for help, I’m left wondering if I’m not communicating my needs properly.

Promotion Waiting Game: I’ve been waiting for a promotion for what feels like forever. My ratings have been exceptional for years, my exposure is great, and my skills are up-to-date, but despite all this, I’m still waiting.

Comparing Myself to Others: It’s hard not to feel left behind when I see my colleagues moving forward while I feel stuck in the same team. I often find myself torn between staying and waiting for the promotion or taking a leap of faith and moving to a new role, which would mean starting the waiting game all over again for a promotion.

Project Fatigue: On top of that, I’ve been working on a project with some amazing colleagues to develop a tool that will benefit many. We started back in August, and here we are in June, still pushing through. Every meeting feels like a marathon, and I can sense the exhaustion in everyone’s voices. Honestly, sometimes it feels like “malayo na pero malayo pa”, we’ve come a long way, but we still have a long way to go! I often feel guilty because I’m detail-oriented and notice every little error.

Resource vs. Key Resource: I was supposed to be a resource, not the key player. Yet, I found myself putting in the most effort. I enjoy the work, but it’s frustrating when it feels like I’m doing all the heavy lifting. There was a time when I was taking a leave and had to align it with someone who was supposed to be the key resource. It felt frustrating because he was doing a backup for work that he was supposed to handle! I’m friends with him, and I hope he doesn’t take it the wrong way, but that’s how I felt at my lowest point.

Resistance to Change: Deploying our tool to everyone was a challenge. I predicted there would be resistance, and boy, was I right. Convincing everyone that this new tool was worth their time and that it would be easier to navigate than what they were accustomed to was an uphill battle. It felt like I was fighting against a wall of reluctance!

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Teaching: The Empty Passion 🍏😔

On top of everything, I’m also teaching part-time, and honestly? I’m just going through the motions.

Where’s the Passion? I’m tired, and my passion for teaching seems to have vanished. I just want to get through the day, comply with papers, and go home. It’s disheartening to admit that I’m losing my spark.

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Alone by Myself 🌙💔

When the clock strikes 3 AM, and I’m still awake, I often find myself lost in thought.

Wishing for Connection: I wish I could talk to a friend, but who’s online at that hour, right? I used to have a friend I could confide in during these late-night hours, but things went downhill because of me, and I still haven’t processed how to move on from that treasured friendship.

Journaling Struggles: I’ve tried journaling about my day, but it often feels like I’m just writing in circles. Sometimes I think maybe I should just cry to release the pent-up stress, but when I try, nothing comes out. It’s like I’m emotionally numb.

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Health: The Price of Stress 🍔😩

Let’s keep it real—my health has taken a hit.

Body Image Issues: I’ve gained weight, and my clothes don’t fit nicely anymore. I can’t look at myself without feeling ugly and unworthy. It’s hard to face the mirror and see someone I don’t recognize.

Unhealthy Eating: My lab results aren’t good either. I’ve been eating unhealthy foods and relying on coffee to stay awake. I feel like I’m running on empty, and it’s taking a toll on my physical and mental health. I’m trying to prioritize my health, but it’s hard when I feel like I’m juggling so many responsibilities.

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Moments of Joy 🌈💖

But amidst all the chaos, there have been some moments of joy:

Vietnam Adventure: I went to Vietnam with friends, and it was unforgettable! It was my first international travel, and for nearly five days, I didn’t think about work or my thesis (or maybe I did, every time I was about to spend, I thought of my restricted budget). I want to go back without responsibilities and enjoy it to the fullest.

Maid of Honor Duties: I was the maid of honor at my friend’s wedding, and I think I did a pretty good job! We’re still gushing about the beautiful and not-so-beautiful photos from the day.

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The Unexpected Twist of May 🎉💥

Then, in just two weeks, everything changed:

Thesis Defense: I finished my thesis defense, which means I’ll soon get my MBA title! The feeling of accomplishment is still sinking in, and I’m proud of myself for pushing through all the challenges.

Promotion Surprise: I got promoted at work, effective July 1! The announcement took me by surprise, and it made me question, if I should’ve trusted the waiting season more.

Recognition: I also received a title "Master of Business Process Excellence", shared with me in a nerve-wracking meeting with the leadership team. Less than 5% of the overall population gets this recognition, and it felt amazing to be acknowledged for my contributions.

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Reflection: The Road Ahead 🌟🚀

My mentor reminded me of my resilience through it all. As I look back on the past six months, I’m reminded of both the struggles and the triumphs.

Last year felt like a storm, but now, blessings are pouring in.

I’m still trying to process everything that’s happened, and I know I need to take care of myself.

Social Media Break: Maybe I should take a break from social media. I feel like I’m constantly comparing myself to others, and it’s draining.

Health Focus: I need to prioritize my health and break free from these unhealthy habits. I can’t keep living off junk food and caffeine.

Self-Love Journey: I need to start loving myself again. It’s tough feeling so alone, but I realize it’s even harder when I don’t love who I am.

I’ve learned so much about resilience. I’ve adapted, found ways to overcome obstacles, and prioritized what truly matters.

I’m not perfect, and I don’t have all the answers. But I’m trying my best, and that’s what matters. People often say they admire how I juggle everything, but honestly, it’s tough, and I’m just trying to get by.

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By sharing my story, I hope to remind others that it’s okay to struggle and that you’re not alone. Life can be overwhelming, but it’s important to keep going, even when it feels impossible. Remember, asking for help doesn’t make you weak; it shows strength and courage.

Thanks for sticking around to read my story! If you’ve been through something similar or just want to share your thoughts, drop a comment. Let’s support each other through the chaos! 💖

proof of struggles lol

The form of the problem is that it's possible to take Arnold's "art is a criticism of life" too literally. The content of the problem is that radicals with no political outlet ran the English departments from about the '70s through about the '00s. The radicals were replaced by technocrat professionals who mouth the radical platitudes without really believing them, or believe that only technocratic professionalism can fulfill them, but by then/now it was/is too late, economically and institutionally speaking; the university has already been turned over to administrators and corporate interests and has increasingly been at the whim of the government's ideological micro-management and wild mood swings from Obama's "dear colleague" letter expanding the bureaucracy into a full-fledged regime to police the intimate life through Biden's should-be-criminal Covid "vaccine" mandates to Trump's overt aggression against certain political speech and protesting tactics today; and the technocrat professional attitude was in any event more anti-art than the radical attitude had been, since the radicals wanted to make art "come true," a dangerous but also somewhat noble goal, whereas the technocrat professional just reduces art to data that furnishes an occasion for the exercise of an expertise for which the administrators and corporations, not to mention the government, had and has little use.